A broken daughter

Old 02-23-2015, 05:05 PM
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A broken daughter

I'm suffocating and I don't know what to do. I like to think that I'm a strong, logical, independent person, but I'm drowning. My father has a drinking problem. He's never been abusive, never once raised his voice at me, but he drinks every night to numb whatever pain he has, physically and mentally. We've had a great father-daughter relationship through out the years. I recently got engaged and I'm in the midst of planning my wedding in July 2015. This is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives (I'm the only daughter), but all I feel is betrayal, and fear.

My father suffered a heart attack 5 years ago, and addition to drinking, smokes almost a pack a day, since he was in school (he's now 67). 3 months ago, he seizured, and was in ICU for three days, and the doctors were not able to determine the cause. Every type of test was done and all came back clear. He's on a bunch of heart meds, and drugs for peripheral neuropathy.

I've had a strained relationship with my mom all my life - controlling, confrontational, and negative. Generally a toxic individual, with no filter. I've grown up feeling like I was raised without a mother. My father never stuck up for me, and whenever I react to my mother's criticisms, he insists that I learn to get along with her. This is a challenge for me. His drinking is probably his way of dealing with my toxic mother, but I'm just supposed to 'get along' with her? So hypocritical.

A few weeks ago, I confronted my father through email about my concerns with his drinking for the first time and how afraid I was for his health and well being. He admitted in his email response that he drinks every now and then when he's 'down' and told me how guilty, and ashamed he was for hurting me and that he won't do it again. 10 days later, he was once again drinking every night and I'm now struggling to remain strong. I know confronting him again will solve nothing.

This has remained between my father and I. Involving my mother would be detrimental, because of her negative attitude. I have an older brother who's exactly like my mom. My support network is my fiance, who's been there for me but I'm still drowning.

Is there any use in speaking to my father again? An intervention would be difficult because I don't know who to involve and afraid of the stigma and what the embarrassment would do to him (I'm east indian). I'm tempted to write him another letter, and move out with my fiance, but my parents are critical to my wedding planning and I'm struggling with involving them.
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Old 02-23-2015, 05:20 PM
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It is devastating to have an alcoholic parent. Mine is my mother and my father sounds a lot like yours, drinking to deal with my AM's drinking. I know this is easier said than done. I am still working on it myself, but the 3Cs of Alanon are truer than true. You didn't Cause his alcoholism, You can't Control his alcoholism and You can't Cure his alcoholism. I have brought up my concerns numerous times with my parents, only to have them lay on deaf ears. The best thing you can do is focus on being the best You that you can be and focus on your soon-to-be husband, to make a beautiful marriage for yourselves. I think by leading lovely, healthy lives we do honor our parents and we do alleviate some of their guilt because they don't think that their actions "ruined us." Take good care. I know your pain. It is tough, but you are stronger than you know.
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Old 02-23-2015, 06:05 PM
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. My mom is an alcoholic and drinking still despite her docs telling her that she needs to quit.
You can't control your dad or your moms behavior, and it's a hard thing to accept. I'm sorry you feel like you are drowning. Can you talk to a therapist?
Email is a difficult medium to use when talking about such heavy topics, so I recommend you continue discussion if you choose to via phone or face to face.
Therapy will help you begin to work through your pain and maybe even parent yourself in a way your parents couldn't. I hope you can find a way towards some peace and acceptance.
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Old 02-23-2015, 07:23 PM
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I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. My AM has been drinking for 40+ years and has seen heart attack scares, fallen down stairs and broken her nose, a suicide attempt and nervous breakdown, and (a little birdy told me, since we're No Contact) that she has been in a nursing home learning how to walk again. Don't know what happened, don't care. They won't stop unless they want it more than anything else on this earth.

The key for YOU is to find help to get YOUR life together and be happy. You aren't responsible for anyone but yourself and any children you might have. No one else. Not one iota owed to anyone. Guilt is a learned behavior, and we can unlearn it.
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Old 02-25-2015, 10:19 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!

My dad died an alcoholic a few years back, and after a while I stopped trying to fix him and accepted only he could change himself, realising that there was nothing anyone could do unless he wanted to help himself released a weight from my shoulders, and when he died I could find some peace that there was nothing anyone could have done!!

Remember to not let someone else's drinking either dictate or consume your own life, live your life in the same way a parent is living there's and not feeling concerned about anyone else's, that was the resentment that I used to have over my dad.

It's far from easy, but you'll find loads of support here on SR!!
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Old 02-25-2015, 07:16 PM
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The only thing that got my dad to stop drinking was a massive stroke...followed by strokes and heart attack over the next 11 years...those were the best 11 years of my life with Dad...then back to drinking mom and nightmare when he passed. My dad cared about me despite his drinking...but when he stopped drinking...I had a better life with stroke-impacted (majorly) dad than in all my life before.

Mom...well...she flew the coop right after he passed...has travelled and doted on the sibs who didn't bring up the drinking (not me). She hasn't wanted anything to do with me for 12 years and blames me for much...including serious issues with addicts as kids, etc. She has made it clear that she will go to her grave without seeing me again. Took a while to accept...but it felt so good when I did. It took a while for me to figure out that she projected much of her negativity and insecurities on me...and that it didn't start when Dad died...she just was too manipulative for me to do anything but sense it...from the time I was a kid...and she came out in the open after Dad was gone.

However, you are getting married...and you have a fiance...and you both have a life together. I am so glad you are here...and as to the wedding planning...it is your life and your wedding...and you are doing it well...because you are doing it according to your best choices and decisions. Glad to have you on SR.
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Old 02-26-2015, 04:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Scorpio80 View Post
I'm tempted to write him another letter, and move out with my fiance, but my parents are critical to my wedding planning and I'm struggling with involving them.
My situation was a lot different, but my wife and I had a small wedding in a friend's back yard, with about 15 people in attendance -- none of whom was related to either of us. Strictly "family of choice." We thought about inviting a few relatives, but once you start doing that, you get into "if we invite So-and-So, we also have to invite What's-His-Face," otherwise someone's offended, and so forth. So, executive decision: no relatives! Just a small group of friends who had been with us through sickness, health, illness, treatment, and (the first year or so of) recovery!

T
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Old 02-27-2015, 07:18 PM
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Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate the words of encouragement more than you'll know. ❤ I'm still grasping with the idea of living my own life without being concerned with how my AF is destroying his. How do you stop caring about someone you have so much love for? He's the most gentle, mild mannered, person who loves me very much, but this disease has consumed him. Or maybe he doesn't love me, because he could be gone tomorrow and everything I'm planning for my future won't mean a thing.

I'm way too fragile at the moment and it's impacting my relationship with my amazing fiancé. I'm going to have to seek help.

Thanks everyone. Big hugs. ❤
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Old 02-28-2015, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Scorpio80 View Post
Thank you so much everyone, I appreciate the words of encouragement more than you'll know. ❤ I'm still grasping with the idea of living my own life without being concerned with how my AF is destroying his. How do you stop caring about someone you have so much love for? He's the most gentle, mild mannered, person who loves me very much, but this disease has consumed him. Or maybe he doesn't love me, because he could be gone tomorrow and everything I'm planning for my future won't mean a thing.
This calls for my favorite visual. I find the dynamic easier to understand if you turn it around: How many people are there who can tell me what to do, and I automatically do it? Do I jump when they say "boo?" Answer: No one! I pretty much do what I want -- and usually react with annoyance, if not anger, when people tell me what to do, especially what I "should do for my own good."

The flip side of this is that who am I to think I can control or influence someone else to do something they should do for their own good -- even if it's something blindingly obvious, like give up booze when they've got advanced cirrhosis and heart disease? I can lecture, argue, beg, plead, nag, manipulate, and order them to do it -- but if they don't want to, it ain't happening. So what I need to do is stop trying to control them. Which relieves huge amounts of stress, because I realize that whatever calamity happens to them on a given day after they've downed a fifth of vodka, there is nothing I really could have done to prevent it -- no matter how perfect I am, the person is going to self-destruct anyway, if that's what they're bent on doing.

That's what the Al-Anon welcome is getting at, when it says that we can "achieve contentment and even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not."

T
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Old 02-28-2015, 08:39 AM
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Thank you, tromboneliness...always learn from you...and then I remind myself that it IS progress not perfection...just became aware of FOC in the past coupla of years...and your wedding sounds awesome!
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Old 02-28-2015, 08:41 AM
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Scorpio...I still remember how I felt when I was in your situation...and it was very very heart breaking...and my heart breaks for you. What I can say is that SR and other recovery work (meetings for Naranon and Alanon) and therapy have helped me so much...and I am glad you are thinking of getting help. Please keep coming back...this is an amazing community.
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Old 02-28-2015, 03:24 PM
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In Al-Anon, I have learned (and still learning - probably forever), that I can absolutely "CARE FOR" someone. I can love them with all my heart. What I try to avoid is "TAKING CARE OF" them. I try not to do the things that they should do for themselves. Enabling behavior is basically the belief that I can somehow magically say the exact right thing, set-up the exact right scenario, and boom, my loved one sees the light and stops drinking. Or, it is also the fact that I HATE to see my loved one in pain. It is excruciating. So, I want to intervene. I want to get involved. I take away consequences from their behavior, so they won't have to experience pain. Unfortunately, this is a disease. Alcoholism will probably take my father's life. And it is heartbreaking to me. I come to visit him, and there's a bottle of vodka next to his ankle. It's like he's a ghost sitting there. I literally feel invisible. The only way he'll speak to me is if I ask him questions about what he's watching. But even then, I'm not sure if he even notices me. I am trying to be aware that he is very ill, that he is very sick. that the disease is beating him down, and it puts him into a corner - it saps him of his joy, his content, his love. He probably doesn't love hiimself very much. Thus, how much love does he have left to give me? not much...He's struggling to even love himself.

My struggle is figuring out what's in my control (have the courage to do something about it) - often, that's the stuff in my OWN life. Not his. And BOY do I wish I just had a life preserver that I could throw to him. Ugh. It's very hard.

I have ENORMOUS power in my own choices. and NONE, absolutely NONE when it comes to other people's choices (including the choice to make an effort to stop drinking - and at all costs - even those that seek out treatment don't always find success)

What's NOT in my control and having the serenity to accept it. That includes a disease that is ravishing my father's life. AND his disease is impacting everyone around him that's close. It is so not in my power to save his life. I wish I had it - I really do. Unfortunately, the power needed to relieve him of his addiction is NOT within my grasp. It is with a higher power. In Al-Anon, I have learned about letting the higher power take over those things that are out of my control. What that higher power is exactly, is up to me. Personal preference/feeling/etc.

you are not alone when feeling devastated by how the disease is impacting your loved one.

Keep writing. Keep reading.

Thanks for your post! We're all in this together. You've got support here.
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Old 03-01-2015, 06:02 AM
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Welcome to SR Scorpio!

Weddings. A tough event for a family with addiction. How are your parents critical to your wedding plans? Do you want them present and pleasant? Any chance you can get married away and just have a reception to cover a family celebration?
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Old 03-03-2015, 05:09 PM
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Thank you irisgardens, and thotful.

It breaks my heart that there's so much suffering in so many of our lives. I have so much to learn through all of your journeys and you've all given me so much more strength through your words of wisdom and support and inspiration.

I would have given anything to do just that, CodeJob, but my fiance's fam is very traditional. They would not have approved and it would have probably created even more stress than I need right now.

I've withdrawn from my AF, and my mom has now noticed, but I cannot open up to her about this. In a few weeks I've decided I'll be moving out of my parents house...it will probably hurt my AF but maybe he'll realize what he's losing.
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