Question about No Contact with a Parent

Old 02-10-2015, 11:54 AM
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yeah, talk about coincidences! and of COURSE no thank you would go unpunished. argh.

i just got off the phone getting the last of my mom's bills that were still going to my address taken care of - my stomach's a bit tight but it's a relief nonetheless.

my mom is refusing my calls, doesn't have her voicemail set up, and isn't talking to my aunt/her sister either, so i had to text her neighbor and ask her to physically drop a note at my mom's saying 'seasaw needs to return the piano, please call her to arrange movers'. i haven't heard back yet if they are willing to do so. if not i guess i'll have to.. what, FedEx a note to her? her mail just goes to a PO Box she doesn't check.

trigger trigger trigger. why do pianos have to be so BIG?
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Old 02-10-2015, 09:16 PM
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i heard back from the neighbor - they dropped off the note. i asked if they are still in touch with my mom, and she said 'she still calls, but we don't respond any more. just polite.' to which i replied 'makes sense to me.'

they just left a typed note saying what i asked them to say but didn't sign it. that'll make her paranoid! oy.

maybe it'll go really easily, no drama, just a simple transfer of a piano.
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Old 02-11-2015, 09:32 AM
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Good luck!
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Old 02-11-2015, 11:38 AM
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I could have written almost every one of these comments! My mom and I were always very close until my parents got divorced and she began dating a man that was also an alcoholic. She hid her alcoholism from me ~ and it did appear to me that she just didn't care to have any sort of communication with me or her grandson. When I did talk to her she was so completely different and lost the sense of humor that everyone knew and loved about her!! I always felt as though I walked on egg shells trying not to inadvertandtly start an arguement. It hurts very deeply to watch someone you love slip away because of addiction. Even if you didnt even know it was because of addiction.
I did hear my moms slurring from time to time and also found a freshly poured glass of wine hidden in the closet when I visited her one time. Addiction is a very difficult thing to understand, even for the addicts themselves. I can speak first hand here. I have been clean and in recovery for 10 yrs now. And although I saw some of the signs with my mom, I still missed the big picture. Its taken me lots and lots of reading and research to get to where I am back to the understanding phase again. Alcoholics/addicts are very shameful for their weakness and will isolate themselves. For me, I looked at it as the safest way to keep all my skeletons in the closet. Addicts also are very fearful about disappointing just about anyone! Someone elses judging us could really send us off the deep end. By the same token, as the Adult Child of an Alcoholic (which still shocks me to write...) I understand the self preservation and respect you need to have for yourself. The addict will hold those they love "hostage".... they will lie, manipulate, hide their addictions to the enth degree, conceal, become incognito, isolate, have endless anger and fears, cheat/steal, have paranoia, become defiant, be argumentative, pull you in and then push you away. As ridiculous as it sounds, dont buy into any of it. WHY? Because you will be fueling the addiction. In other words, they will get a high from it. If I may offer those interested what I have learned from my own personal situation, if you show that you really care about them and love them, then firmly, without giving into their ridiculous arguments (stay focused) ~ tell them that you arent there to judge them but to offer a refudge should they want it and refuse to enable them. Tell them that if they ever want help that all they have to do is say the word and you'll be there to help them in a heart beat. (If thats how you truly feel, that is) Addiction is a progressive disease ~ they lose sight of whats important because they cant see outside of themselves and the addiction. When, what and how they use next totally consumes their every thought. Nobody can force any addict to stop using they have to be the one to decide they want to quit or it wont be an honest decision on their part. Remember I said they are fearful of disappointing anyone, lie, manipulate ~ this is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. And for whatever reason, Alcoholics have the largest amount of denial about their disease. Remember that once the addiction side has taken over it no longer becomes just a "decision to stop" using. Their body NEEDS the alcohol or drug to function properly. It is a long and hard road in recovery. I still learn new things everytime I go to a meeting. Forgiveness is not about giving someone a "get out of jail free" card or condoning an action its about UNDERSTANDING WHY someone acts the way they do.
"It's the disease not the addict thats evil"

Last edited by Noegoamigo; 02-11-2015 at 11:45 AM. Reason: Correcting spelling and grammar
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:12 PM
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NoEgoAmigo, your post is ringing so many bells for me. My mom didn't abuse alcohol until she met her second husband, who was a 'recovering' alcoholic. After he died, she started drinking heavily in her late sixties. I am continually perplexed when I describe myself as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. And I try to cut myself some slack for not seeing the signs of her booze and pill abuse until the addiction had most certainly taken hold.

Sometimes I wonder if I cut off contact too quickly - if I had known more about addiction I could have offered the RIGHT kind of help, instead of running around trying to help but unbeknownst to me at the time, helping in all the wrong ways. Until the situation became so toxic and abusive I had to get out. She even admitted she had to drink less a few times but I didn't realize, then, that she could just use willpower to do it. I thought she could just NOT go to the store. I couldn't even figure out then how she was getting there.. she couldn't walk or drive... I later learned her neighbor was making runs for her out of pity.

Everything you said about not letting yourself get sucked in, about them getting a kind of high off it is so true... but my mom was like that before addiction, too. She was sent to rehab a few times by a professional organization, and she skipped out on it.

I can't tell from your post... is your mom still around?
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Old 02-11-2015, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by seasaw View Post
maybe it'll go really easily, no drama, just a simple transfer of a piano.
Drop it from a helicopter!



T
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:07 PM
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My story is very different, my mother was an alcoholic by the time she was a teenager. She got pregnant at 17 and tells me if abortion was legal back then I wouldn't be here now. She also laughs about how much she drank while she was pregnant and yet I "seem fine". She left me with grandparents when I was 3 and dragged me away from them when was 14 to clean her house and babysit her new baby (she worked at night). She was sober for 10 years while she raised her new family but Christmas pictures did not include me - it was her, my stepdad, his son and their son. She told me I better get a scholarship to college because she wasn't going to pay for it but paid in full for the half brother including an apartment and a car. She was mean to my children but when the half brother got married she doted on his and bought expensive presents for his in-laws and kids. When my 14 year old (youngest) asked her why she never bought us nice Christmas presents she said "well maybe if you guys bought me nice stuff I would". She is now 69 and has been wanting me to give up my life and take care of her for the past 5 years. She never beat me physically, but there is so much more I didn't mention that though I know there are some good spots interspersed in there, they are completely overshadowed. I wanted a mother for so long that I put up with more than anyone should have but at this point I'm done. I'm amazed at people that have clear boundaries and can enforce them pretty quickly and cleanly, kudos to you. Addiction is a beast and I no longer want it in my life.
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:34 PM
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Originally Posted by tromboneliness View Post
Drop it from a helicopter!



T
hahaha! mr. seasaw and i were just talking about various ways to sneak a grand piano into her 'fortress of doom' - that's pretty good.
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:39 PM
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god ajarlson that's horrible, i'm so sorry. and amazed that you had any patience for her in recent years. you didn't deserve the tiniest bit of that! i can't believe how many messages she gave you, just in that short paragraph, that you were less important and worthy than you absolutely are. that's the opposite of what a mother should do. emotional abuse is so complicated. i would love to hear, some time, the evolution of your understanding of what she did to you (because although the drinking didn't start until recently in my mom's story, the emotional lampooning was a lifelong art). i'm only just embarking on my own.
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Old 02-11-2015, 01:55 PM
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No Seasaw, sadly I lost my mom Jan 23 as a result of liver disease from chronic alcohol abuse. I did not know she had even been sick. It's been both an extremely difficult time and a true eye opener for me.

I don't believe that even if you had the proper tools to use on an active addict that it could make a difference. We can't fix them.... We can only offer our love, non Judgemental understanding, and help if and when they decide to get help. I have had the same thought very often. I have tons of other unanswred questions now too.

Last edited by Noegoamigo; 02-11-2015 at 02:02 PM. Reason: Added more content
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Old 02-11-2015, 02:14 PM
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1/23 is the anniversary of my dad's death

that is so recent for you. how completely confusing and overwhelming it must be on top of all the stuff that always comes when we lose a parent.

please post as much as you want here, and feel free to PM me absolutely any time. i bet we have a lot of the same unanswered questions and i'm only just starting to articulate my own.

your grief is so fresh. what are you doing to take care of yourself? being on this forum already is so great!
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Old 02-12-2015, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Noegoamigo View Post
I don't believe that even if you had the proper tools to use on an active addict that it could make a difference. We can't fix them....
That's the bottom line. Having said that, my Qualifier got sober ('96) via an intervention organized by yours truly -- with the help of a high-priced-but-worth-every-penny professional intervention counselor who flew in for the occasion. We descended on her hospital room, the morning she thought she was going home, with a suitcase and a plane ticket to a treatment facility.

Does that mean we "fixed" her? Not really -- she said afterwards that "I wanted to get sober, but it was too scary to do it myself." The intervention just made it easier, by taking care of the logistics, heavy lifting... and just the having-to-do-the-thing part of going to treatment. It would not have worked if she hadn't wanted to get healthy.

T
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Old 02-12-2015, 10:23 AM
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Seasaw-I had the same thoughts that we would have many things in common with these unfortunate set of circumstances. I'm sorry to hear you lost your dad on the same day a year ago; but what a coincidence too!! As for what I've been doing to deal with my grief...I have been seeing a counselor and attending "The course in Miracles" meetings weekly. Plus, I just started on this forum and although I dont have a lot of time to post, it has helped immensely as well to read of others similar experiences and understand I'm not alone.
I see that you are trying to figure out a way to make some sort of contact but not make contact with your mom to deliver a piano? Did you figure out a way of "drop shipping" it yet?
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Old 02-12-2015, 01:33 PM
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After re-reading my last post I have decided to block her number and probably won't be sending her anything. Even when she was sober she was not a nice person and was never a mother to me. I think I'm really done. And it's thanks to everything I've read and everything you've all shared that have made me realize that all this "she should know" and "I never told her" was all because in my deepest dreams I kept hoping she would get sober and be sorry for all the things she has done. She didn't change the last time she was sober so what makes me think she would now? It feels good to face reality and let the good things shine through while turning my back on the darkness.
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Old 02-12-2015, 02:02 PM
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ajarlson i know i've said it but i'm saying it again - i'm really happy for you and the realizations you're having!! getting free from the shame and guilt that keeps us hooked in, for years and years, is just the best feeling.

i keep wondering, reading the posts in this thread and in so many others, if i could have done more - i spent a lot of time and energy helping and taking care of her, yes, but none of it was addiction-related help because i didn't know that that was the monster i was fighting, at the time. i didn't try to find rehabs, i didn't do any of that research, i didn't try to learn about how to help addicts - i was trying to keep her bills paid, trying to get her to doctors, trying to help her keep her professional life in a way that she could go back to it if she got better, trying to help her keep her house, trying to get her to EAT. but i didn't do anything that would actually help an addict. and now with all the new knowledge of what might have - MIGHT have helped - i wonder if i left her alone to deal with something no one can deal with alone.

so it really helps to hear, again and again, that you can't rescue someone else, and that even with all the right tools you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped - because she really didn't. every thing was a fight. she would make me FIGHT to get her bills to pay them. she would make me FIGHT to get her to eat. she would SABOTAGE my efforts to help her, all the time - but then blame me when things went wrong. and she certainly never admitted to having a problem with pills. and her personality was impossible before the drinking. the manipulations, lies, and guilt and shame started loooooooong ago.

this is not my fault. i have to say it over and over. because she tells everyone her family turned on her.
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Old 02-12-2015, 02:06 PM
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This is not your fault. I'll say it too.
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Old 02-17-2015, 07:49 PM
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Originally Posted by ajarlson View Post
Does anyone think it's not ok to go no contact with no extra explanations? Some "social contract" thing perhaps? Not sure why this is tearing me up inside.
I haven't talked to my mother in about 7 years. I don't actually remember the last year I talked to her, only that it was on her birthday. I just never called her again. She just never called me, either. And now she walks by me in stores and church with her head down, pretending she doesn't see me.

I have no idea why she does this, and I don't particularly care.

I haven't bothered explaining to her why I never called again because she apparently doesn't care, hasn't asked, and I have enough history to know that anything I say will simply be explained back to me as why that was all my fault, anyway.

For the record, I never called again for two reasons. One was that she is so incessantly negative and critical of everyone--on top of which I learned since moving home that she is like that with and to me, not to my siblings. I don't care to spend my life grousing about other people and she refuses to have any other conversation with me, no matter how hard I try to turn the conversation to positive things.

The other is that I finally understood from an ugly comment she made that she will always blame me for any problem between me and anyone--even if it's a near stranger. She actually believes things with no rational basis whatsoever. I called her on one of them, and she looked very confused when she couldn't explain why she thought it, but then snapped right back to her reality. Again, very strange. I think she's a narcissist to the point of real mental illness and delusion.
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Old 02-17-2015, 08:10 PM
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I haven't talked to my mom since July. We had a big argument about how she thinks I'm an a-hole and about how I make her life so difficult, blah, blah, blah and I was telling her that I'm sick of her blaming me for all of her life troubles. Same stuff, different day. Then she started telling me that she was going to have a relationship with my kids and not me and I reached my breaking point with her. My mom is NPD and ACoA, maybe a binge drinker too - but it doesn't matter, she's an a-hole to me and I can't deal with it. That's the bottom line.

I blocked her on my phone. She immediately started triangulating with my husband when I wasn't responding to her at all. Then I unblocked her after two months, I think, maybe 3 months and she was sending these text messages about how she was so sorry that I didn't have time for her because my life was such a mess. Like WTF?! Since then, with al-anon and therapy, I've started to feel a lot of compassion for her. I sent her a Merry Christmas text on Christmas. She sent me flowers for my birthday and I sent her a thank you text. But I don't think I can handle actually talking with her right now.

What I have to keep in mind is that even though I've been making strides in my recovery…she hasn't changed and doesn't want to change. I'm not sure how much my strides in recovery will effect our interactions because the only difference is my attitude. She's still going to put me down and blame me for things and try to control and guilt me into getting whatever outcome she wants. So for those reasons, I'm still at very limited contact with my mom. And I view my no-contact with her on a daily basis though because it's easier. For today, I can't deal with her brand of crazy so I'm not going to call or text her.
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Old 02-18-2015, 08:21 AM
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wrote a long letter to my mom as I was getting to the end of my energy rope...helping her with Dad's final years...helping and parenting in my own family.

she 'forgave' me for the 4 years until he died (e.g., until she didn't need me anymore)...and then it really didn't end well...the only one who suffered was me.

the silver lining for me in all that...was that during that 4 years...my oldest daughter was a drug user (kept it hidden from family of origin)...2 years after Dad died...second daughter used drugs; addicted to crystal meth...I begged for support and did not get it...got cut off instead by sister/mother--brothers never had been emotionally available...as I learned over the past 12-13 years since Dad died. continued to 'support' mom until I went down for the count. learned.
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Old 07-18-2017, 02:12 PM
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I am bumping this old thread because I think it's the first one I posted in! And I met Ajarlson so we could bond over our crazy moms, and so many of my other SR buddies (i won't try to name you all but so many names come to mind), who got me through SO MUCH!!!!!!!

Love you SR <3 <3 <3

And hey bring back the app. Haha.
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