cheburg

I read in one of the ACA books about an addiction to brain chemicals and ACA's need for stress/drama to feel alive and stimulated (or normal). I have made an attempt over the last several weeks to relax, stop drama, stop looking for the next disaster, realize that my personal life is in a good place and not keep looking for the next greatest thing.

I have succeeded to a point but I am going out of my mind having nothing going on in it! I have no dilemmas, no "potential" love interests, no new hobbies or interests. Just quiet and calm. I do not like it, or at least I am not comfortable with it. I feel restless and bored out of my mind.

Has anyone else gone through this?

Kialua

Yes, it's like an adrenaline fix. I am always the first one to jump into any sticky situation and help out because that was my job growing up in an alcoholic home. I have been able to slow down and enjoy life without it but when circumstances pop up I struggle to keep my balance.

NWGRITS

I've mentioned several times on this board about ACoA being chaos junkies. When that's all you knew growing up, calm and quiet are scary as hell. I'm still guilty of finding things to freak out about because stress is my comfort zone. You're definitely not the only one.

Kialua

Exactly NWGRITS! So used to the chaos, that creating it just happens. I remember times when I had nothing to do and I would watch tv with the sound off and read a book while listening to music. Just had to amp it up.

Briar

My alcoholic home growing up wasn't chaotic necessarily, it was tense as we all tried to keep my super paranoid drunk dad comfortable so he wouldn't freak out and leave. It was about anticipating problems, and really believing that they were happening so we could try to stop them. We probably way overdid it and imagined plenty of problems that never actually occurred, if that makes sense. To this day, I think several steps ahead, "read minds," and catastrophize everything. I think worst possible scenario. So yeah, things going wrong totally feels normal. When things are calm and quiet, I get nervous that bad things are happening and I'm just oblivious to them. Things being right just feels wrong! It makes me very anxious. I haven't had much luck getting past that nasty habit.

irisgardens

am working on this very thing right now...it is so good to know (deeper) that this is a part of ACOA...these posts describe all...and although uncomfortable with the calm...I am realizing that I need it...and that my brain chemicals have been so depleted that I am under a therapists/doctors care...and that I do not like. good to know that the adjustment is possible...did it once before about 10-14 years ago...but was feeling discouraged...so this post just hits the spot.

Eauchiche

Yes, and I feel like an ex-smoker around tobacco now. I get extremely irritated at drama any more.

"If I want drama, I'll got to the moviehouse and eat popcorn."

DesertEyes

Totally. I am completely de-sensitized to stress. I am unable to recognize it, or feel it. I know intellectually, from reading books and meetings and therapists what that "stres" is, but I can not experience it. I'm like a blind man in a world of color.

To such an extreme that when I was younger I started a business, one of the most stressful things to do. It did ok, we were having fun in the process, so I started a _second_ business. That was doing allright, and it was also fun, so I started a _third_ business.

Ask anyone who has started a business and "fun" is _not_ how they will describe it. The "fun" came from the adrenalin highs.

Eleven heart attacks later ( yes, 11, as in ten plus one ) I know that stress is real. I can feel the ache in my chest when I am under stress today, but that is the _only_ way I can tell.

It's like my "stress detector" is stuck at zero and just does not function.

Like the others have said, it's just another ACoA survival skill that is no longer useful.

Mike

Vandermast

Yep that certainly is how it is

thotful

De-sensitized to stress. Most definitely. I once stood around for over an hour KNOWING that I should be crying, feeling exhausted, etc due to the insanity of infertility and how painful that is...and I just wasn't feeling it. It's like I'm numb to life.

It was like I took the uncomfortable feelings and dumped them in the ocean. Lead feet, chains around their frame, left to never return again.

THEN, I'm in a moment, long in recovery, where I say...hey, I need you now. I need to feel this moment just as it is.

Took me a while, but I eventually cried lots of tears. It's like my emotion detectors are broken and I'm working to fix them again (water-logged and bruised from dropping them in the ocean! lol)

Feeling better than before though - slowly getting my life back.

NWGRITS

I've been thinking about this some more, and while it's not the first time we've discussed this, I was able to work through a recurring issue that usually gets stuffed in the everyday things. I freak out over little things but don't give enough energy to the truly bad things. I react more to small "crises" or things that haven't even happened yet, than I do to legitimate situations. My kid's birthday party might not have any attendees? FREAK OUT. Dad's wife goes to the hospital with a possible heart attack? Meh *shrug*. Maybe I'll send flowers.

Kialua

I just watched a TED talk about stress and found it very interesting and might provide a link to this discussion.

Oxytocin is the comfort neuro-hormone that is produced when one gets or gives a hug. This also happens when helping others and taking care of others, it releases oxytocins that comfort you.
This may be one of the reasons we as ACOA or spouses of alcoholics help others so much. I am always ready to jump in and help in crisis at any time. Others tell me not to do this, and I don't do it all the time. But it does have a pull that I don't have a lot of power over.

Their take away from the stats they collected was that if you believe that stress doesn't harm you it doesn't. If you believe stress harms you it does. Stress response creates resilience.

Kelly McGonigal: How to make stress your friend | Talk Video | TED.com

WMJ1012

Great post kialuah

In ACA the BRB sometimes calls this the Inner Drugstore.

We find ways to get "high" inside ourselves by creating this.

Basically, the ego loves the rush it gets from emotional melodramas. We are addicted to this rush. We also tend to love our anger.

We are no different than the addicts in our lives we are so judgmental of; we just get high in an different way.

But the question is this: what is the solution?

Staying in the Present Moment and feeling the bliss of all things that happen within it.

Being in the Present Moment is not as easy as we might believe - but there are ways to do it. If we honestly and sincerely want a solution, and if we seek and seek to the ends of the earth if necessary, God will bring it to us.

DoubleDragons

I am so happy that I found this post. I hate my subconscious need for drama. I remember as a kid, praying that my parents would get into yet another big, dramatic argument, because I was so uncomfortable waiting for it to happen, which it inevitably always would happen. I actually feel better amongst chaos, yet I have come to terms with how much that this hurts me from a health/anxiety point of view.

Payne

DessertEyes, I recently found myself in the ER with chest pains and was wholly confused as to what could be stressing me out. Upon a few minutes of talking to my loved ones I realized I had put myself under a ridiculous amount of stress, and adding that to the constant pain rifling through my body I was having rolling anxiety attacks. I worked with my doc and am doing well. And I certainly can understand the chaos, infact a friend of mine and I were just laughing this weekend about this ludicrous fight we had when I first met her where she finally stopped and said "What is this? Are you fighting with me so you know I care? Okay you go ahead and fight, I'll just wait for you to realize? Go ahead!" I was so angry and flustered I sputtered at her for a few minutes til I realized that was exactly what I was doing, Chaos Junkie, check, I'm totally guilty!

DesertEyes

When I first got into ACA I used to wonder if we were all raised in the same family, all our chaos is so similar. Now I understand that we all _were_ raised in the same family, it's all our _parents_ chaos that is so similar.

Mike