CodeJob

So we are going 'home' for Christmas. Both my FOO and my RAH's FOO are in the same town. This is our first time since RAH picked up his R. I can tell he is a little nervous and worked up about going 'home,' but I've got my own FOO issues percolating so its been easy to stay out of his hula hoop.

The dates of our visit got bumped forward to include Christmas itself by RAH. My mom got her nose out of joint right after Thanksgiving as a third party let it slip that this was the case before I told her myself. The third party is who we fondly call the Sh-- Disturber. I tried to explain to her it was not my doing and I had just gotten the exact dates approved by my work, but she was unable to come out of her snit. She rolls into each holiday with her resentments that I do not spend enough time with MY FOO compared to my in laws. It is a steam train that I no longer try to stop. It is not true at all. Just like I cannot stop her from reacting to Mr. Sh-- Disturber. He finds something to stick in her craw with every interaction and she is a sucker to take the bait, stew and spew.

I did not apologize to my mom or my sister about the fact we are coming home for 12/25, but they are making me feel like I should. They both separately said the same thing to me,"I thought you weren't coming home until AFTER Christmas." I've not been invited to either home for ANY 'family' event on any date.

In the past, I have been more lighthearted regarding my FOO's behavior. I have indeed just showed up and knocked on my sister's door on Xmas morning several years ago. My parents have breakfast with them each year. They were hiding gifts and there was a lot of veiled comments and looks which just confirmed for me that I am not nuts. There is something dysfunctional in my family. The last time I was home, my sister hosted a small family event on Christmas Eve day. There was no food, the presents weren't wrapped, and the house was COLD. Her husband showed up late as he was out drinking with friends. It was very clear we weren't particularly welcome. My mom made some half-excuse for my sister's poor hosting, but this is just how my sister is with me. She really could care less and shows it. And yes my parents pull the same behavior. One year we came over to their house the day after Christmas for a planned family event and my parents weren't there. They had decided to go get their ********* renewed. It took longer than expected on Dec 26th. When they finally got home, they were upset our kid was taking a nap.

So I am going 'home' but I don't have a home or a kitchen that is mine to host 'family.' We are staying with my MIL. As you can imagine, my mom does not really get along with my in laws due to her resentments. Our attempts to mix the two families when we are in town have not been successful.

This morning I finished wrapping and gathering all the gifts going home. I bought generous and thoughtful presents for my FOO. They looked so merry and colorful piled together.

I'm a little worried to head 'home' without my emotional blockade. I might tell them the truth. That I never did anything to deserve the odd man out allocation. That if you can't even bother to have me over to your houses in kindness over Christmas, why am I even visiting?

So please pray for me to stay present & patient, but not be a doormat when I have to deal with these people on their turf.

Payne

I generally find that from November 1st to January 3rd I live in a very anxiety filled world.

I have come to a much improved place with my FOO but Holidays do it to me still. I think its the constant reminder that I'm suppose to like them so much more than the rest of humanity and no matter how hard I try I just don't. I don't wish them any ill which is why I go through the motions, I have lunch with them once a month, drag myself to dinner with them once a month, get there as late and politely possible, leave as early as manners can allow. I always speak kindly, smile at the right spot, issue deadpan "I Love You's." But one thing has never changed. I have no connection with my FOO and even though it breaks my heart I know I never will. The Holidays are always a huge reminder of the one thing I can never fake, being connected to them. I will always love them, but nope no connection.

It took me several years to convince my FOO that where I went on holidays was my choice, after many cruel words and tears from my mother and one brother. Now my AM revels in the attention she gets at being the "understanding" mother who knows her (Don't forget the slight voice and chin drop) "different daughter" goes to spend time with her friends on most holidays and just makes an appearance to "family holidays." I still go because I have one fantastic brother and a niece and two nephews who I would be remiss to not spend the holiday with, but every year its the same waltz.
What do I buy for someone I barely like?
How will I smile and receive the pink present (I hate pink, it's her own personal jab) and mispelled name (seriously wasn't she the one who wrote it on my birth certificate?) on my cards?
How will I politely excuse myself when their mere presence finally gets my blood pressure to an apex?
Am I crazy, because on the surface they look remarkably kind and appeasing, but I can feel and see their passive aggressive moves with every sentence?

I tried for years. I tried to see them as my family, tried to get closer to them but it was always one step forward 2 steps back. After so many years, I just cant find any connection to build off of.

So I'm right with you I know the grumblings I get from those who love me for going through the motions every year, but I know the personal need I have to still be present. I need the ability to be present and patient, to try to enjoy the spare good moments in the ball of family dysfunction. And for all that is good and holy let me get out of there and over to my real family's holiday across town with some semblance of sanity where i know they will be waiting with a kind smile, big hug, and an ear as I retell the FOO yearly exploits.

happybeingme

Code- I am so sorry your family treats you that way. It is unacceptable. I would not even worry about seeing them if I were you. They may be blood but that doesn't give them the right to treat you like dirt.

Payne- I have the same feelings you do. Just tired of pretending things are great and I am thrilled too be with family for the holidays.

I promised myself that as I worked on my recovery that I just wouldn't put up with dysfunction anymore. I also won't pretend something I don't feel. This is the last year I am going to stress out or worry about how others feel. Next year my husband, kids, and I are finally going to start our own traditions

BunnyNest

The best holidays have been the ones at our home without our families of origin. It was the best decision we made.

Peace and serenity to you all. It is so painful.

Eauchiche

I decided to not go home for Christmas after my FOO blew apart Thanksgiving weekend Actually, the FOO didn't blow apart, they just blew up at ME after one of my sisters turned into the local version of a sh** disturber.

This Christmas season is already turning out VERY nice. I get to watch holiday movies that my ex used to hate, fix the food I like to eat, and NO drama!

tromboneliness

Was going to post my usual snarky comment to the effect that the best way to deal with these types of family members is... not to visit them! But my sponsor says he wants me to work on Resentments™ for my next Step 4/5 go-round -- so it's time to tone it down a bit.



T

CodeJob

Thanks for listening to me! I watched "Elf" for the first time and it was pretty funny. Now I've got the classic "NL Christmas Vacation" on. Poor Clark and his overdoing it and expectations! LOL

cleaninLI

Sorry for all you have to go through. It's bringing back memories. How quickly I forgot. I was just feeling sad about how I no longer go to my FOO for the holidays. Since my Mom passed and my Dad remarried he's been too involved with his new wife's family and has never invited us since their wedding 3 years ago. But now I'm thinking about how peaceful our Christmases are here at home without all the chaos.

Thanks for that reminder.

WMJ1012

I only go places I'm invited unless I'm certain I'm expected otherwise I'm just demanding acceptance again, then I go out and do that all over my life with others.

When I go I think of what I can bring, not what I can get and not what I'm not getting or getting that I don't like.

I thank God I have 12-step fellowships where I can always go when my family gets nuts.

And I spend time on Christmas thinking about Jesus and praying and loving Him. And thanking Him for giving us the example of what the 12 steps are.

CodeJob

Well I'm glad I wrote this. It helped me ease my mind. I slept all night.

Today I'm deep cleaning sections of my home. It will be nice to know things aren't a total wreck when I return. Laundry mound is slowly eroding. I've got the Christmas cards started.

My sister texted me the family events too. So I've got 'invited' and cleared everything with RAH against his family and personal preference.

Amusingly WMJ, one of the issues in my family is my sister switched faiths so my parents troop off on this holiday with her and her in laws to their church. We are not invited to this part of her tradition as she knows RAH and I prefer to go to the church we were married at. It is all fine, the Holy Family gets a lot if tithe and attention this time of year.

thotful

I am truly grateful for even the simple term, "Family of Origin". It is intentionally meant to distinguish our personal families (our significant other and children) and our siblings and parents (and our siblings' families).

Whether or not I am at "THE FAMILY" holiday feels really odd to me now. I don't see it as missing out on THE holiday. I'm just not participating in THEIR holiday. I can have one of my own where I surround myself with the very love and peace I bring to the table. THEIR holiday brings me very little other than more grief, toxicity, etc.

It's strange, because logically it doesn't make sense. Is the oldest individual the head of this supposed FAMILY? is it the man or the woman? Well, it's not that because I never really knew my grandparents. So, then it falls next to my parents. But wait...they got to define their own family - own traditions - own life - place to live - place to work - religion choice, etc. They were not part of "THE FAMILY" ruled by either sets of my grandparents. But, for some reason, I don't have that luxury. I am part of "THE FAMILY" with my parents, siblings, and other families, like they are the BORG or something and how dare I split off and individuate. (they talk about what I need to do to be "reintroduced"...ugh...creepy) Honestly, it's suffocating. Like I can barely breathe.

I hope you can find serenity with your FOO and in-laws or have some semblance of peace in the relationships.

Wishing everyone well this holiday season!

CodeJob

I popped over and visited with my sponsor after work today. She spent a lot of time with me this evening. So I'm freshly framed in with peace and some boundaries regarding my FOO.

She really has touched my heart and I can focus on that relationship as a touchstone as necessary during my trip.

I wish everyone a peaceful few holidays and safe travels. Thanks for reading my concerns.

tromboneliness

Wow -- that does sound like at least the Communist Party, or something of that nature. You left the Compound, were exposed to decadent outside influences, and developed some unacceptable ideas. Clearly, you require some deprogramming and re-indoctrination, as part of your return to the Party Faithful!



T

FeelingGreat

One thing I've grown to dislike about Christmas is that we are 'expected' to get together as families, even when there are tensions and resentments. Adding alcohol is like lighting the fuse to the powder keg. What can you do about dysfunctional families except make sure your own is never like that?

When my son and DIL married I told them to do whatever they need to at Christmas (her family live about 3 hours drive away), and that there would be absolutely no resentment or hurt feelings from me. They took me at my word for the first 2 years and drove to her family, but have spent the day here ever since.

I do worry about families driving long distances during the holidays, especially with over-excited kids, possible hangovers, time pressures and fraying tempers. I would much rather they stayed home and safe.

CodeJob

So my sponsor wanted me to potentially show support to RAH about his own situation with his FOO. On the drive, I asked him if he had talked to the sibling host of the big Xmas event about his comfort level with other people drinking. No he did not. Typical poor communication along the unspoken track... I told him it would be a dry event since they did not grasp that they did not have to change their behavior to benefit him. "Oh I'm sure that won't be. That's crazy." I mentioned the summer events he was at were all bone dry, so get ready.

So the host indeed had cleared out her stash. I could tell RAH felt a bit weird over it and he did bring it up on our drive home. He said people were hiding their A drinks and dumping them every time he arrived. I just said, 'well you could tell them it's not a problem. They are just trying to support you. It is sort of sweet. It was good to see everyone and I'm glad you wanted to see family this year.'

It is really evident these people did not learn about addiction when their sibling sought recovery. MIL told me in passing about the other A son, 'No wonder why he drinks....' I stayed out of his way. He looks at me like a viper. Like I'm going to expose him next. . Thankfully I have learned THAT is not MY problem.

As for my FOO, things went OK. I only got worked up once about trying to make everyone happy. My own kid and RAH pointed it out and helped me calm down. I realized one of my problems is time zones, late nights with in laws and early mornings with my family. It is just all set up to exhaust me.