Can you help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: London
Posts: 8
Can you help?
So I'm really new this...
My brief story is that I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with an active alcoholic. I posted the whole story in two other threads (Friends and Families of Alcoholics and Alcoholism) which I will attach at the very end of this post if you wanted the details, but please don't feel you have to read it all, it's very long!
Anyway after the many helpful replies I had, I have made my decision, which is also on the original posts, however one response was to have a look through this section of the forum so that I can see first hand what you have all had to deal with growing up with an active alcoholic parent(s).
I've already read some very insightful and interesting things but I could also have missed out on a lot of important things to.
I can imagine this is such a sensitive area and not something I personally have been through so if this is a big imposition and you would rather ignore this post, I completely understand! But if you could maybe share some insight into how it affected you or people you know... I feel like it would at least make me much more confident in my final decision and who knows, if he were to know these things maybe later on in life it will spur him to get the help he needs.
I'm not expecting a miracle reaction from him by any means, but sometimes we store information in the back of our minds when we don't want to deal with it and remember it at a later time!
Sorry, I didn't realize I can't post links yet as I haven't made enough posts but under each forum (Alcoholism and Friends & Family) my thread was just entitled 'Pregnancy...' And you should be able to find it quite easily!
My brief story is that I am currently 33 weeks pregnant with an active alcoholic. I posted the whole story in two other threads (Friends and Families of Alcoholics and Alcoholism) which I will attach at the very end of this post if you wanted the details, but please don't feel you have to read it all, it's very long!
Anyway after the many helpful replies I had, I have made my decision, which is also on the original posts, however one response was to have a look through this section of the forum so that I can see first hand what you have all had to deal with growing up with an active alcoholic parent(s).
I've already read some very insightful and interesting things but I could also have missed out on a lot of important things to.
I can imagine this is such a sensitive area and not something I personally have been through so if this is a big imposition and you would rather ignore this post, I completely understand! But if you could maybe share some insight into how it affected you or people you know... I feel like it would at least make me much more confident in my final decision and who knows, if he were to know these things maybe later on in life it will spur him to get the help he needs.
I'm not expecting a miracle reaction from him by any means, but sometimes we store information in the back of our minds when we don't want to deal with it and remember it at a later time!
Sorry, I didn't realize I can't post links yet as I haven't made enough posts but under each forum (Alcoholism and Friends & Family) my thread was just entitled 'Pregnancy...' And you should be able to find it quite easily!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
Hi Bella
I did not read your original post but can share with you that having a strong program of recovery ourselves as parents is the best thing we can do for our children. In it are our answers and sponsors and a relationship with God who knows what is best for us.
It is not an overnight matter. Many situations I have thought needed immediate answers, haven't needed to be resolved today.
What I did and still need to do imminently - is anchor myself in a face-to-face program where I could take care of myself. It's the best gift we can give those we care about.
I hope you will do this for yourself and your child and enjoy your pregnancy.
xo
I did not read your original post but can share with you that having a strong program of recovery ourselves as parents is the best thing we can do for our children. In it are our answers and sponsors and a relationship with God who knows what is best for us.
It is not an overnight matter. Many situations I have thought needed immediate answers, haven't needed to be resolved today.
What I did and still need to do imminently - is anchor myself in a face-to-face program where I could take care of myself. It's the best gift we can give those we care about.
I hope you will do this for yourself and your child and enjoy your pregnancy.
xo
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Bella, hi and welcome. It's tough for me to pinpoint much in my childhood to my dad's alcoholism since my parents separated when I was seven but I do remember getting in the car with him when he was drunk and he would race down the road weaving back and forth laughing while I sat paralyzed in fear. And being at family barbeques and being the beer girl while my dad played horseshoes with cousins. I learned how to operate a keg at age nine. I am 42 now and these images are still crystal clear. Being around his family I definitely learned that drinking was how to deal with things.
In my opinion being a parent is all about raising a normal healthy human being. Living with an addict is not the way to do it. If you have a girl you are showing her it's ok to diminish herself for a man. If it's a son you are saying this is how men act and how they treat women. None of that is healthy.
Living in a dysfunctional home I never learned about boundaries. I never had a sense that I mattered as a person. I developed depression as a teenager and became an alcoholic myself as an adult.
Please do not do that to your child. Keep the precious innocent as far away from dysfunction as possible.
In my opinion being a parent is all about raising a normal healthy human being. Living with an addict is not the way to do it. If you have a girl you are showing her it's ok to diminish herself for a man. If it's a son you are saying this is how men act and how they treat women. None of that is healthy.
Living in a dysfunctional home I never learned about boundaries. I never had a sense that I mattered as a person. I developed depression as a teenager and became an alcoholic myself as an adult.
Please do not do that to your child. Keep the precious innocent as far away from dysfunction as possible.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
I can give you some insight on being the child of an alcoholic as well as the mother of children whose parent was an alcoholic (my alcoholic ex-husband). I was in denial when we were first married and had kids. I didn't wake up until I had four children with him and he had slept with the 16 year old babysitter. By then the kids were approaching teen years and I kicked him to rehab but took him back when he had been sober for 9 months. The sobriety (and fidelity) did not last and I kicked him finally to the curb once my last one turned 18. Once I knew what he was I weighed those scales every day - better for my kids if he stays or goes. Came up 'stays' until the end. BUT. My kids, adults now, have told me they wished I had kicked him out years before. There were SO many things I didn't realize they heard, knew, wrestled with. Adult issues no kid should have to deal with. If I knew then what I know now, I would have left as soon as I realized it. Three of my four kids are on anti-depressants and see psychiatrists. Yay that they're taking care of their mental health, boo that they have to. Children of alcoholic parents are strong, wise and independent. However, our childhoods are robbed of innocence and trust. I would never have put my children through what I went through, but I had not grown up and dealt with my own issues before I started having kids. One is very angry at me for staying, the others are working through depression and anxiety as a result. The guilt I feel is tremendous but all I can do now is to encourage them to get the help I didn't have as a young adult. I know there are instances of alcoholics getting sober and staying sober, and I hope if your decision is to stay, that is the case for you. I would say, keep your eyes open and if it appears he is not being completely honest with you, then assess the situation again. Sometimes the alcoholic behavior does not disappear with sobriety. Never allow for less than you deserve which is a loving, honest, respectful partner, and that is also what your child(ren) deserve. Be aware that even if you leave, there will be issues to deal with as he will be your child's father forever, and only you can make the decision about what is best. Good for you on educating yourself and going into this with your eyes open. I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 315
I just read your original post, I didn't want to come across as hard ass with the information I had from this one. Now that I read the original as well as your decision, I can say with certainty you are doing the right thing. Your story is very similar, the party guy, the change when he drinks. And believe me if he's saying "dickish" things now, that is only the beginning. My ex went from dickish things to all out verbal abuse and I didn't even realize it. I am glad you are getting out. Looking back I realize what a sad little girl I was. Looking back I realize that my kids didn't have it much better although I tried to protect them from the worst of it. I can tell you with certainty that my kids all wish I had left him years before I did. I am glad you are giving your child that gift.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
It's commendable that you are aware and dealing with this.
My mom married a happy party guy, my dad. He turned into a total monster who drank and abused until he was 80 years old. 80!
My mom preferred him to his children.
My mom allowed him to abuse us, emotionally and physically.
My mom was more worried about him than us.
My mom defended him and lied for him.
My mom lied about her involvement with him towards us.
There is no escape from an alcoholic dad or mom, none. If he stays it's daily upheaval, if he leaves it's abandonment. Either way as kids we are saddled with all the worst emotions possible wishing for "normal" even blaming ourselves and hating the other parent.
You can read my journal if you would like. My story may be on the extreme side, but you can never tell which alcoholic dad will be physically mean, which one will be charming and which one will just be tuned out. My dad was all of the above, depending on the sibling. The blogs are under my name to the left with a number you click on.
My mom married a happy party guy, my dad. He turned into a total monster who drank and abused until he was 80 years old. 80!
My mom preferred him to his children.
My mom allowed him to abuse us, emotionally and physically.
My mom was more worried about him than us.
My mom defended him and lied for him.
My mom lied about her involvement with him towards us.
There is no escape from an alcoholic dad or mom, none. If he stays it's daily upheaval, if he leaves it's abandonment. Either way as kids we are saddled with all the worst emotions possible wishing for "normal" even blaming ourselves and hating the other parent.
You can read my journal if you would like. My story may be on the extreme side, but you can never tell which alcoholic dad will be physically mean, which one will be charming and which one will just be tuned out. My dad was all of the above, depending on the sibling. The blogs are under my name to the left with a number you click on.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Let's see... My AM was in the home but was an absentee parent. She told me repeatedly that I was a mistake, and that if I'd never been born, she'd be better off financially. Nothing I ever did was good enough. My grandmother took on the role of raising me, but she was an enabler and always sided with AM. I couldn't do anything that might upset mom. Definitely couldn't bring up the elephant in the room or tell anyone else about it. Everything was my fault. I was the reason she drank. If I could just be better, get better grades, not ask her for money or anything, it would all be fine (it was never fine, no matter what I did). I grew up not knowing how to act like a normal person. I became promiscuous because to me that equated to love, since I wasn't finding love at home. I learned to pass responsibility for everything onto other people. I was angry. Very angry. Irresponsible, mad, low on self-worth, and started drinking heavily. I am not an alcoholic, but I honestly think that had I not gotten pregnant at 21 by a guy I'd known for five hours, I would have gone off the rails. And now? I'm trying so hard to fight the ingrained parenting I received as a child. I need to lower my expectations of my children. I need to praise them more instead of criticize them. I need to make sure that they know what real love is and how they deserve to be treated (and how to treat others).
Growing up in an alcoholic home is a living nightmare. I would lock my bedroom door at night so that AM couldn't come wake me up at all hours to tell me what a b*tch I was. I would always have one ear open at night in case she fell out of bed again. I learned pretty early on to never expect her to come to any school events. She was about as reliable as a $500 vehicle on a used car lot.
We teach our children how to behave through our own examples. Is this life what you want for them? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Growing up in an alcoholic home is a living nightmare. I would lock my bedroom door at night so that AM couldn't come wake me up at all hours to tell me what a b*tch I was. I would always have one ear open at night in case she fell out of bed again. I learned pretty early on to never expect her to come to any school events. She was about as reliable as a $500 vehicle on a used car lot.
We teach our children how to behave through our own examples. Is this life what you want for them? I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
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