ajarlson

About 3 months after a hellish drama storm initiated by my AM, where I really spoke my mind for the first time and told her I wasn't buying her alcohol anymore, she calls as if nothing happened. Got two messages, one that she needed my "help" as she was having a bad day and needed me to go to the store for her, and the next day (after not answering that first call) just to let me know she saw a job opportunity in the paper for one of my kids. All bright and cheery like nothing happened which seems to be a family trait, but one I could never get behind. So now I have the choices - call her back and be surface level cheery blah blah blah, don't call back at all, or try again to tell her how I feel. Since she didn't listen any other time I am not optimistic about that last option. And I hate just surface conversation when there's something beneath the surface (wears me out). So I am not calling back. Have my kids and my wonderful fiance and lots of friends supporting me, and yet I still feel that old TUG to call her back even though I know where it will lead.

DoubleDragons

My FOO does this all of the time. Outrageous, mean, drunken fights one day, only to spend the next day like nothing happened. I have come to the point that I will no longer allow the mean, drunken outbursts to be part of my life. I am willing to be civil with my family members (think "wall of nice"), but I am no longer going to allow the mean tirades. I have given up on my parents ever seeing the error of their ways or thinking, so arguing is pointless, but I do not have to partake in their ridiculous lectures. I only do things now that I want to do, to make my life easy. So, if an easy, short phone call makes your life easier, do it. If not, don't. In short, do what is best for you.

happybeingme

Do not get sucked into that fake niceness. It is a ruse. Trust me. She will be badgering you to run her errands and buy her booze in no time.

jjj77

I can completely relate to where you're coming from with my own AM, and I wish you peace and strength. It is so difficult to hear the nice words and know in your gut that they are not genuine...especially when we as adults children want them so badly to be genuine (at least I do). I've been on a roller coaster with my own AM for the past few years…denial of any problem, then situations that get so bad that nothing can be denied, then things get "better," and then more denial as the drinking once again takes over. It's taken me a long time to realize that there's nothing I can say or do to "wake her up." The only thing I can do is try to decide what I want with my own life and what I'm willing to put up with…and I want off the crazy train. :-) My best to you.

ajarlson

Thanks everyone. Sometimes I just want to shake her and make her say she's sorry for everything she put me through my whole life. But she'll never get it so it's healthier for me to stay away. Not easier though.

Kialua

I tried that many times with my enabler mom, it never happened. Even with my alcoholic dad in lock up treatment, when he wrote letters to all us siblings, he apologized to everyone, but then said he would never apologize to me because it was all MY fault. hmmf the fifth kid, yeah right all my fault...
not!

thotful

That's the major reason I stay away from any "family" functions. The "under the rug" approach to conflict. Oh no, let's not talk about any of the real issues. In fact, there AREN'T any issues, and thotful has just made them all up. Thotful is the problem and 'bashes the image" of his two siblings would be just fine if he showed up to thanksgiving, xmas, what-have-you. Oh, and why does thotful have an issue with us only wanting to spend time with him and not his wife?

Seriously, I have no patience for the dishonesty. If I play along, then the behavior just happens all over again.

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

It's hard, and I still have lingering doubts (like, oh, maybe this will work out someday and maybe "letting things go" as they put it will be fine - but no, my wife is ignored without a word spoken to her, and any complaint from thotful about it is "mistaken or misinformed"). I guess I'm getting to a space where the crazy just doesn't stick anymore. MOst if not all of their arguments just make no sense whatsoever. You can't argue with crazy. So, you just figure things out for yourself and make a move on that.

One day at a time. It hurts and it burns me inside, but I gotta live. I have a life outside of them - I don't have to be there as my other family enable the abusive behavior. I can go live my own life in peace.

makomago

Not my Circus, not my monkeys... I've never heard that before, I'm claiming it as my own. I really like that. thanks.

Not only can one not argue with crazy, you can't reason with it either. I've tried and failed and when I was still in the circus others tried with me and couldn't!

I'll tell you... my monkeys really don't like it when I don't play their games, they especially dislike it when I don't play my (old) family role. I told one of my sisters the other week "I've resigned from that role" - they didn't like it - and you know what I have resigned, I wrote the role down on a piece of paper using my non dominant hand with the words 'I resigned' written in large friendly letters and I've tossed it in the bin.... so I've come to the point where I don't care whether they care or not. I'm not playing and that's that. I resigned.

BTW... My resignation may not have been well received or respected i.e. they still want me to play. I feel better for it though.

M

ajarlson

Resigned that role is a great way of thinking of it. My role was always the one to just do what they said without question. I was quietly rebellious but that doesn't help to show someone that what they're asking is out of line, it just enables them and made me crazy. I have resigned that role, and it's too hard to play the "everything's ok game until it isn't" so I have stopped playing. That means not answering calls and not calling back. Perhaps I should stop listening to the voice mails too. I'm 50 - she's 68 - it's not going to change.

makomago

Great way of 'thinking' of it... but even much more greater actually doing it AND sticking to it :-)