Payne

So it happened, I moved from caring about someone to loving them, and its happening again the urge to run, the urge to be destructive, the self destruction that has tainted and ruined so many relationships in my life. I had managed to rein in most of these actions in the past year or two, I guess I just didn't realize that was because the people in my life were past the point of self destruction working, they were in and loved me too and I completely trusted them so I didn't need to self destruct and push them away.

I think it comes from knowing how much my mothers tendencies made it impossible to truly be close to her and growing up in a complete environment of being let down that as soon as I start to completely love and trust someone the little ACOA sirens in my head flip the bloody hell out and start screaming for me to run. But of course like a good little ACOA I can't just leave, nope I need to do something stupid and self destructive so that the other person leaves so that I can later play the "alcoholic" and "blame them."

Knowing all these things has stopped me from doing any of them. But in my head the hamster has run so fast on it's little wheel that I'm pretty sure the wheel broke off careened off a cliff and is now laying in a squeaky broken state. I'm over analyzing, picking apart everything looking for issues and things that I rationalize to myself that I was "ignoring." I'm repeating to myself that my feelings are my instincts I should listen to them, while my real instincts are screaming that I'm just scared and have no reason to be.

This weekend i will be doing an away vacation in nature everything off with a long drive I'm hoping that helps situate me a little bit. Journaling is helping but the time in between journaling can get rocky, and man the urge to run and end this is overwhelming, and its all because of fear.

NWGRITS

I'm a runner, too. If it's healthy or comfortable, it must burn in the fires of my dysfunction. Yep, I understand it well.

irisgardens

Thank you for this post...don't fully understand runner...but when I get feeling betrayed...I tend to say things (in writing) that allow the other person to let go or yes, fire me...and I am working to deal with that in myself. I know that it is in me...and I am working through huge difficulties in relationships with kids and husband...I spent a long time dealing with my mother and sister and at least after 13 years...no longer have the cravings...for them to love me when I am in trouble or need love and care...instead of it always being the other way around.

I don't really know how to do more than I am doing now...working on loving myself enough as that is what the long-term advice through many avenues says to do ...but it is hard work and I am anxious and exhausted today. This post was exactly what I needed to read.

Payne

Today I'm completely exhausted by my commitment issues. I had an amazing weekend with my boyfriend we enjoyed every minute of it, even the sick part where we managed to laugh and have fun while taking care of each other. Then I came home, he went home and it started to fade. I started to question if he's the right one, if we will really be able to have a happy life together. If I'm just being blind to reality and he isnt' actually a great guy.
Then I start playing the ACOA what's normal game:
Am I in love enough?
I don't wake up and ALWAYS think of his first, oh no.
Should I be more insanely into this relationship?
Is it okay that I think it's nice and comfortable but not crazy and passionate?
A couple of my friends don't totally love him, but I love their significant others does that make this wrong?
What if....
How come....
Is it....
We talked about my issues on the weekend away he was very understanding, he never pushes me when I need to stop, but here I am two days out from a wonderful weekend I nearly skipped back home from and I'm already questioning everything even though nothing happened. Anyone had advice on books, or their own personal stories, anything for my crazy mind to hold onto and realize i'm not being insane.

Kialua

I haven't run into this problem myself, met my husband in grade school, but it may apply to me making friends in general. The obvious connection for me is trust. If I love someone they will disappoint me like my alcoholic dad did. And since I wasn't raised in an atmosphere of love and trust I never learned it and don't know how to apply it correctly. When people don't live up to my idolized view of things I prefer to walk away rather than to stay entangled and flounder in an unfamiliar area. I have often wrestled with this.

But I have heard other recommend the John Powell books, Why Am I Afraid to Love?: Overcoming Rejection and Indifference.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Afraid-Lov.../dp/0883473224

And here are a couple other links that looked interesting. Good hunting!
7 Reasons Most People Are Afraid of Love | Psychology Today
let go & let it in: how to stop being afraid of love - positively present

DesertEyes

With me it's like I am playing "whack-a-mole" with my negative thoughts. I work really hard to squash a thought and a new one pops right up in it's place. And they are _always_ negative, I _never_ obsess on maybe winning the lottery, or how good it is to be in recovery. Noooo, always the negative.

My doubts with relationships come from not being able to _control_ the future. That trigers one of my deepest ACoA "issues." My family of origin was completely random and toxic, so predictability and order are my "safety blanket".

Problem is, I'm too old for a safety blanket. I'm stuck in the real world.

So my "adult blanket" is that I learned how to protect myself in a relationship. Maintaining boundaries, separate finances, keep in touch with friends just in case I have to hit the "eject" button. Once I learned that I could trust _me_ to protect myself the fear went away. I have been able to correctly spot the "red flags" and get out before I got in too far. I have kept friends with both my ex's and the few women I have dated, and I actually enjoy making new friends and finding out if there is another "soul mate" out there for me.

_However_, I still get a small amount of those old fears now and then. Especially when starting out a relationship with someone who is AA or OA or some kind of recovery, too many reminders in their personality so I have to spend a lot of time processing and consulting my sponsor.

Or if I am dating a red-head. For some reason I go totally stupid if she is a red-head and you might as well lock me up

Mike

NWGRITS

I posted a while back about ending relationships in a blaze of glory. I will find some reason to make people leave me. Being abandoned and not good enough was the standard of care as a child and young adult, and that's still my comfort zone. I have my family here in my house, so I don't need or want anyone else. It's so backwards. I'm working on it. I pushed my husband away once, but he came back a year later and I told myself that I was choosing to be good enough. And I don't regret that decision at all. It's one of the best things I've ever done for myself. But the other relationships in my life? Yeah, they're complicated.

GracieLou

I am a runner too, I get it and your post resonates with me so much. Second guessing and doubting myself and others became second nature, almost like an instinct I should be listening to.

I am learning, and it is a slow process, to live in the moment. Not to worry about tomorrow or even yesterday but just in the moment. When I am enjoying time with my BF I try to be in that time. If I find myself wondering if he is the one or if I am making the right choice or will I run again or will he run, the spinning mind trap that happens, I just stop and think...Am I enjoying myself right now? Am I loving him and him me right now? Am I happy right now? Everything I ask myself today is about "right now, today, this minute".

Answering questions like that keep me in the moment and keep me and my mind from wondering away to later in the day, tomorrow, next week, next month or the dreaded next year.

I found the more I do this type of thinking the easier it gets and I can catch myself wondering (running) away before I start or I can stop it right quick if it starts.

I am worthy of being happy today but that took a while for me to understand. I still find myself at times of difficulty, in the relationship or not, telling myself I can't find love because I don't deserve it or asking myself "why am I even trying?". The trick was to stop trying and just let it be, be still in the moment and stop trying to control the outcome for me or for them. Stop trying to force what already is but to afraid to look at it.

I did not want to admit I love someone because they may not love me back. I did not want to admit I cared for someone because they may use that to hurt me, manipulate me, lie to me, cheat on me, steal from me...the list goes on and on.

The wall I put up was keeping me from getting hurt but it also kept love out. I can see now that along my road many people loved me but I would not let them. Letting someone love me was the greatest gift I could give them and myself.

jazzfish

I lost so many things in my life that running (or staying and forcing a self-destruct) was how I managed to assert some control. "I'm going to lose this nice thing in my life anyway, but by God it will be on my terms." I still struggle with keep nice, positive things in my life. I have to remember that I can have nice things and people in my life AND I deserve them.

Payne

Thanks everyone this is why I love this site. Nice to know I'm not alone respects about after trying to talk to a friend who didn't get how I could be so in love with such a nice guy and be "complaining" I would love to complain not to be in total panic mode. I'm reading the struggle for intimacy now then will move to the other suggestions. Living in that r moment is definitely a struggle for me.

chicory

You know, Payne, all we have is today. tomorrow isn't promised to us. Could you perhaps just enjoy your relationship , for today, don't worry about forever, yet? Perhaps with time, and getting to really know him, your fears will calm down.

I was never in a close loving place with my parents. both alcoholics, at different times. I do not remember being held close, being comforted, or being listened to. That did so much damage to me. In a relationship, I am ok, until I feel the approach of the L word.

I tell myself it will be better this time. I will not go crazy. I won't go all insecure, or jealous, or push them away.(actually I pick jerks, so don't feel too sorry for me-lol)

In the beginning though, I always feel it coming on.... my doubts, the ones I cannot keep to myself. I question, accuse, doubt, investigate(don't really know if I would do this with a nice guy or not-liars , cheaters and porn freaks don't bring out the best in me).

I did lose one who I loved, once. I could not bring myself to believe he loved me. I would get jealous, or insecure when he was away. I questioned him to no end, if there was another woman around. I guess I did not love myself, and could not believe anyone else could, either.
Now I am too afraid to try. My therapist is relieved.

Honestly, I know that each man I was in a relationship with was an addict of some sort... porn, anger, control freaks. no alcohol, though, no way! haha

so maybe, just maybe I would have been alright with someone who really did love me? Maybe I just sensed what they would not admit, and pushed them away in the only way I could, since I could not manage to talk to them about my concerns. My fault , I refused to pay attention to the red flags that were obvious in the beginning.

I would advise you to relax, and really pay attention to your gut feelings, too. Do not ignore red flags.... ACOA's do that too.

Maybe this guy is great. Time will tell and time is your friend. Take it a day at a time, and just try to stay out of your head. Eyes open, heart open, and have fun. Find out if he is the one to trust your heart to... time will tell you that. Its not black and white, and no one is perfect, and you do not have to make a choice until you are ready.

my best to you. sorry for the novel. but I sure went through a lot of crap, and I hope someone gets some good out of it!

Payne

Ironically this past week made it about the 7 year mark of knowing my best friend. I was thinking about how many years I tried to push her away. How she came in at such an awful time in my life and loved me through it. But truthfully the only thing I regret for all of those years is the effort I put into pushing her away. I realized that I don't do that anymore I have completely accepted that she cares, and that has made our relationship so wonderful this past year, but also made me realize I don't want to waste 6 years with this amazing man fighting the fact that he loves me. It's easier said than done and I may get hurt, but I'm writing it down now to look at later when I forget that truthfully the only person I hurt when I push "normies" away is me.