I'm grateful I'm an ACOA
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I'm grateful I'm an ACOA
I'm sitting here on a nothing-so-special-Wednesday. My leg is in blinding pain, per usual, and I spent the morning searching how to deal with chronic pain thinking "I can't do anything lately I'm such a failure I should be stronger, if my parents were around I wouldn't have so much on my shoulders, I wouldn't be so exhausted and scared." So I reached out, not about the specific topic but just to chat.
My best friend and I are chatting about a possible job and I say "I don't care what job they offer me I will be one of the best employees they've ever had." she agrees without flinching. I walked into the kitchen at work with my coffee cup and thought "wow that was pompous" then it hit me. No, it's not. I am versatile because I never knew what to expect as a kid so I became a wearer of a thousand masks. Now as an adult I have thrown out MOST of the masks, but before I tossed them I pulled the benefits of them into myself.
I can be quiet, loud, charismatic, a background character, smart, "stupid", the person who pushes a project forward, and the one who can wait until the group is ready. I am a problem solver like no other, I revel in solving problems, making them easier, more logical, while considering so many aspects of the problem because sometimes how to get my drunk mother home was an exercise more difficult than a convincing two sides of a business merger.
I know how to share information while protecting my sources and keeping everyone's confidence while turning hidden issues into issues you can talk about and fix, because well we have all had to explain to our coach, teacher, friend, family member why our parent "couldn't" remember/make it to pick us up or come to a game.
I'm a product of my environment, I had to be a jack of a thousand trades learning how to make my own mac n' cheese at four as I realized that why yes you should drain the water before adding milk, butter, and cheese. So being faced by something in the workplace I don't know it becomes a new fun challenge. And my mistakes, well, those are still my hardest but with active recovery and surrounding myself with the right people I have learned to treat myself more kindly and laugh at most of them.
I once read that every parent does their best. I genuinely believe my mother did the best she could that her disease would allow. When she was too weak to be a parent I learned to become independent, when she couldn't decide how to be sane I learned to be logical, when she couldn't make life work I learned to become creative.
So today I am weak, today I will cry at my desk for the pain I'm in when no one is looking, today I will go home and lay in bed and mope. But tomorrow I will get up like I always do, start to limp because its easier, then I will stop take a deep breath and hold my head high and walk normally into another day. Tomorrow I will be the employee my boss says that "I love when you're my support staff because without having to ask I know you have already prepared the documents, copies, and made the meeting without me asking." Because I'm grateful I'm an ACOA because no matter what life throws at me, I'm a freaking warrior and neither my parents, my leg, or life get to take that away from me.
My best friend and I are chatting about a possible job and I say "I don't care what job they offer me I will be one of the best employees they've ever had." she agrees without flinching. I walked into the kitchen at work with my coffee cup and thought "wow that was pompous" then it hit me. No, it's not. I am versatile because I never knew what to expect as a kid so I became a wearer of a thousand masks. Now as an adult I have thrown out MOST of the masks, but before I tossed them I pulled the benefits of them into myself.
I can be quiet, loud, charismatic, a background character, smart, "stupid", the person who pushes a project forward, and the one who can wait until the group is ready. I am a problem solver like no other, I revel in solving problems, making them easier, more logical, while considering so many aspects of the problem because sometimes how to get my drunk mother home was an exercise more difficult than a convincing two sides of a business merger.
I know how to share information while protecting my sources and keeping everyone's confidence while turning hidden issues into issues you can talk about and fix, because well we have all had to explain to our coach, teacher, friend, family member why our parent "couldn't" remember/make it to pick us up or come to a game.
I'm a product of my environment, I had to be a jack of a thousand trades learning how to make my own mac n' cheese at four as I realized that why yes you should drain the water before adding milk, butter, and cheese. So being faced by something in the workplace I don't know it becomes a new fun challenge. And my mistakes, well, those are still my hardest but with active recovery and surrounding myself with the right people I have learned to treat myself more kindly and laugh at most of them.
I once read that every parent does their best. I genuinely believe my mother did the best she could that her disease would allow. When she was too weak to be a parent I learned to become independent, when she couldn't decide how to be sane I learned to be logical, when she couldn't make life work I learned to become creative.
So today I am weak, today I will cry at my desk for the pain I'm in when no one is looking, today I will go home and lay in bed and mope. But tomorrow I will get up like I always do, start to limp because its easier, then I will stop take a deep breath and hold my head high and walk normally into another day. Tomorrow I will be the employee my boss says that "I love when you're my support staff because without having to ask I know you have already prepared the documents, copies, and made the meeting without me asking." Because I'm grateful I'm an ACOA because no matter what life throws at me, I'm a freaking warrior and neither my parents, my leg, or life get to take that away from me.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 56
Payne, thank you, thank you, thank you for this 
I've been down on myself at work lately--that's when it's just too easy to fall into the old stuff--and forget that we have, indeed, learned things others have not. We have a way of seeing things that others don't--and it can definitely be beneficial. I tend to focus too much on the challenges it brings, so this is so refreshing for me to see right now.
I've been down on myself at work lately--that's when it's just too easy to fall into the old stuff--and forget that we have, indeed, learned things others have not. We have a way of seeing things that others don't--and it can definitely be beneficial. I tend to focus too much on the challenges it brings, so this is so refreshing for me to see right now.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
It is one of life's great ironies that often our worst experiences turn us into our best selves. I realize now, too, that the traits that I like best about myself came from surviving a dysfunctional background. Thanks for this very inspirational post!!
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
I have been having a stint lately where I have become so "woe is me" and I'm really trying to focus on the best, I started journalling again and in my very logical manner I force myself to answer questions, and to be positive. This was one of those AHA! moments.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I've hit a funk, too, Payne. Your post really lit a fire under me to stop feeling sorry for myself and celebrate what is good about me. And there's a lot! My husband and my kids are my world. I'm a good wife and mother, I make a mean meatloaf and apple pie. I can sing, play piano, sew, and craft. I'm adaptable and can do almost any job, so long as it doesn't require brut strength. I needed this today. Thank you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Hey, nice to hear from you -- been wondering how you were doing!
Ya, an ACA makes a great project manager and problem solver, since we got to be so good at doing it at home. It may be a laundry-list trait, but once it helps us make a living, it becomes one of those "integrated traits" that, instead of trying to let go of, we make use of it to help us live better lives -- nothing wrong with that!
T
Ya, an ACA makes a great project manager and problem solver, since we got to be so good at doing it at home. It may be a laundry-list trait, but once it helps us make a living, it becomes one of those "integrated traits" that, instead of trying to let go of, we make use of it to help us live better lives -- nothing wrong with that!
T
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Thanks guys, I got a fantastic surprise on Friday when I went to the doctors office for the first time out of the last 7 attempts the cortizone shot actually removed my pain. I don't know how long it will last but I am currently basking in the amazingness of feeling like myself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Thank you for this post! it was exactly what I asked my higher power to help me with. I was that person at work until 13 years ago when my AD died and my AM told me what she really thought of me...and since then, I have been doing recovery and working a program, but that link to being able to be the good support person at work was shattered...because I was my mother's prime enabler...and came awake to the addiction in my family of origin and over the next years in my own family. Was just let go again and I am praying to my higher power to help me find a job that is correct for me...but also for me to stay in recovery. My reputation before I shattered and realized that with Dad gone I had no family support (additive families breed denial etc) awake and aware and in recovery work ... was of all the things you mention. I still do them, but I think an attitude of resentment might be coming up or anger when I feel invisible and unrecognized...I would so appreciate any support with similar situations or advice. I am praying to my higher power to change me and bless them...but there are bombshells coming right and left as life interferes and am feeling so anxious (tingling hands and arms and face and chest to sternum) as well as confused...still working my program and will continue. Thank you for this post...it is awesome...have always been able to do anything for someone else...I make people successful with positive language and appreciation at work...but myself...I just seem to be going through it and through it...and I am just taking whatever step I can...the anxiety and body tingling and fear is killing me...just had a major relapse in trying to 'help' the third addict child...and am working with husband on a self owned business amends...but the fear is just overpowering and husband is in another country finishing the job he started and which I partnered him in deciding to finish although no money from it...living expenses for him...and the stress of him being gone and the family just ate into my ability to maintain calm and I am dealing with it...one small step at a time...it is very hard and I feel very alone; still working my program...it is the only way I can stand up and walk. Started a naranon meeting recently and that, hopefully will help as I need to be with people and know that there are others who understand these things.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Irisgardens, one of my biggest issues is learning to just let go and live. I have a hell of a hard time with it, my anxiety can get overwhelming because of it. However I found that I'm great at work because that's one place that just letting go is actually frowned on, keeping a little more control at work has always helped me calm down and also made it easier for me to learn to let go A LITTLE in my personal life. Having that dynamic has been very helpful for me. I can definitely hear the stress in your writing, I hope you find some calm and I know when you do it will all feel much more manageable.
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