Everybody Loves Their Mamas

Old 07-22-2014, 02:52 PM
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Everybody Loves Their Mamas

I was helping one of our clients at work today, with a third party vendor. Our client wanted the vendor's best advice, so she asked him, "Tell me, Mike, what would you recommend to your mama?"

I said, "Wow, I guess that is a good question to ask."

She said, "Well, of course, because universally everyone loves their mamas."

I said, "Well, probably about 98 percent of the population." (just being wry)

She said very pointedly, "Well, where I come from, everybody loves their mamas."

It made me feel sick to my stomach. I know I love my mother, but there is so much about her that I do not like at all. I felt very shamed at that moment.

Just felt the need to share with others who know where I am coming from.
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Old 07-22-2014, 02:55 PM
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Of course you love your Mom. Me too. I don't always like her, but I always love her. No reason for shame. You're fine.
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Old 07-22-2014, 03:00 PM
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I wouldn't feel guilty or ashamed because
not everyone in this universe was abused
or is being abused at the hand of a sick
parent, whether it be a mother or father.

It is true that the Commandments state
to Honor thy father and thy mother.

In order for me to remain sober and healthy
in mind body and soul, I have had to place
my parents in Proper Hands for Him to care
for and has taken the load off my shoulders.
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Old 07-22-2014, 03:05 PM
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DD-I dont love my mother. I dont think love is possible when it isnt reciprocated. I understand my mother isnt capable of love. But, it doesnt mean I have to love her anyway. That just doesnt make sense to me.

Dont feel bad. I think most people would be afraid to admit they dont love their mothers. Mothers are thought of as some kind of angel on earth or something. But, the truth is they are just human.
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Old 07-22-2014, 04:34 PM
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I get that feeling on father's day over my dad, I definitely know where you're coming from!!
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Old 07-22-2014, 04:38 PM
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That sad to me Happybeingme and Purplenight I am blessed with loving parents still married a gazillion years. Bless you.
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Old 07-22-2014, 04:51 PM
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Oh I "get you" just fine, DD. Where _I_ come from, aka the land of recovery, "love" is something that is _earned_.

I don't love my parents either. They never did anything lovable. In fact, most of what they did was despicable. However, as a result of recovery, I can now do something even _better_ than loving them.

I do not hate them.

To _not_ hate monsters that abused children, takes a whole lot more work than to love somebody that is lovable.

MIke
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Old 07-22-2014, 04:56 PM
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I have to agree that loving our parents is something they earn once we are grown.

As children we had to try to be loyal regardless - otherwise end up with no food or shelter, right? As a kid I spent very little time with parents. My parent were divorced and mom had to work and keep up her social life.

As an adult I got to tailor my relationship with my mother in direct correlation to her ability to be cordial on any given occasion. I did not have to have any contact with her, and for long stretches of my adult life, I didn't.

I really dislike mothers day or fathers day. I don't have kids of my own, but people still feel a need to wish me Happy Mothers Day.

Cut that out, people!!
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Old 07-22-2014, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Raider View Post
That sad to me Happybeingme and Purplenight I am blessed with loving parents still married a gazillion years. Bless you.
I think because it's all i've known and don't know anything else I don't really envy other people, it's weird, it's just that I can't relate to a family structure with 2 parents, i've never experienced it, but in my mind and heart I assume I'm missing out on something.

My parents got legally separated when I was 12 and then divorced in my mid teens, that was my experience growing up, I didn't have a father/son relationship with my dad, but I am thankful that I was able to establish something resembling a friendship with my dad, but with regards the father/son aspect, that ship had long since sailed as I was mid 20's when I made contact!!

So when we get to father's day, I just can't relate to the celebration aspect of the whole day, but that's just how it was!!
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Old 07-22-2014, 08:54 PM
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Yup, nothing is harder than finding that darn Mothers day card or Fathers day card.

Most people don't understand how we have been brought up, neglected and or abused. They just can't fathom it even if we tell them sometimes. I've found it best to just leave them be in their peace and move on without taking on any guilt.
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Old 07-22-2014, 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
DD-I dont love my mother. I dont think love is possible when it isnt reciprocated. I understand my mother isnt capable of love. But, it doesnt mean I have to love her anyway. That just doesnt make sense to me.

Dont feel bad. I think most people would be afraid to admit they dont love their mothers. Mothers are thought of as some kind of angel on earth or something. But, the truth is they are just human.
Bingo.
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Old 07-23-2014, 02:02 AM
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Mainstream culture certainly has this as a powerful tenet.

Yet I'm surprised by how many "normies" are actually not on speaking terms with their own Moms. Most are obviously short term fights, but there are longer conflicts too. People just don't acknowledge how common it is.

The idea that one must have unconditional love for one's parents seems to be of even greater importance in me , and i suspect many ACOA, than in most people, who actually accept that whatever happens, happens, and that the relationship depends on a healthy two way dialog. If the relationship breaks down through no fault of your own, it does not mean that you are evil, and must immediately surrender your claim to humanity.

Perhaps us ACOA, raised by an A and a Codie, had these "unconditional" values impressed upon us particularly strongly?

As regards the two-way thing. I don't feel that i've ever been treated as an adult, and we never talked as peers - two adult relatives. Our conversations were always a parent /child thing. She was always asking the questions and giving the advice/instructions. I could never set the agenda, and I suppose an A has good reasons for wanting to keep things that way.

Of course i still love my mother, and wish she was still part of my life. Unfortunately, her interactions threaten my mental health, and i am the least well equipped person to deal with them. She had at least 15 years to see that the effect she was having was making it difficult to maintain the relationship from my end, though i kept coming back. I need to let go of the guilt that i finally stopped doing so.

What she needs is tough love and implacability, someone who is prepared to set boundaries and enforce them. She did not raise me to be that kind of person, i was raised to love unconditionally, keep secrets, tell people what they want to hear and keep opinions to myself, to never question a parent and to do as i'm told.
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Old 07-24-2014, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by DoubleDragons View Post
I was helping one of our clients at work today, with a third party vendor. Our client wanted the vendor's best advice, so she asked him, "Tell me, Mike, what would you recommend to your mama?"

I said, "Wow, I guess that is a good question to ask."

She said, "Well, of course, because universally everyone loves their mamas."

I said, "Well, probably about 98 percent of the population." (just being wry)

She said very pointedly, "Well, where I come from, everybody loves their mamas."

It made me feel sick to my stomach. I know I love my mother, but there is so much about her that I do not like at all. I felt very shamed at that moment.

Just felt the need to share with others who know where I am coming from.
I get you and admire your response (the "98%" bit).

I'm not sure what would have irritated me most; her statement, her assumption that she knows what everyone thinks, or the inference that everyone (especially me) should... I don't like being told how or what I 'should' feel and to whom (directly or indirectly).

... I suppose I shouldn't now add; Don't feel shame And I won't. I will say that I wouldn't feel shame for it.

For the record I'll add I don't think (but I don't know for sure) that I love my Mum either. I do feel sad for her plight and the fact that her mental problems have plagued her for a long time.

I'm not religious BUT from Corinthians ...

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

I rarely TRUST her, I no longer protect her (in my role as resuer at least) and I am angered by her, so IF that is love then, I guess I don't!!

Last edited by makomago; 07-24-2014 at 09:12 AM. Reason: Typo
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Old 07-24-2014, 09:38 AM
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Originally Posted by happybeingme View Post
DD-I dont love my mother. I dont think love is possible when it isnt reciprocated. I understand my mother isnt capable of love. But, it doesnt mean I have to love her anyway. That just doesnt make sense to me.

Dont feel bad. I think most people would be afraid to admit they dont love their mothers. Mothers are thought of as some kind of angel on earth or something. But, the truth is they are just human.
This!

My aunt, my mothers sister, posted in FB the other day about some guy that was in a storm and it got so bad that he had to leave the area but he left his mother behind. She was so angry that he left his mother and posted that you should never ever abandon your mother.

I, of course, took it personal.

My fingers reached for the keys and I wanted to type, “you would if she was a heartless, self centered, emotional abusive narcissist, but of course I didn’t do that.

I felt a twinge of guilt because that is what I have been trained to feel all my life. I realize now that I have been trained to do, feel and act certain ways. They are becoming clearer to me and I am making changes. I may not be responsible for the training but now that I see the faults or traits I am responsible to try and change those habits.

Guilt is an emotional weapon used by some parents to keep their children in line. In some cases, a small amount of healthy guilt is okay. Like stealing a candy bar or picking the neighbors flowers.

The kind that you are feeling it not. It is a controlling guilt and that is not healthy.

You should not feel guilty for having your own feelings, they are yours and they are valid.
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Old 07-26-2014, 01:04 AM
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This thread reminded me of an article I read on HuffPo last month, and I had shared it on Facebook.

Motherless by Choice | Katie Naum
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Old 08-14-2014, 10:58 AM
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I don't think everyone loves their mother or needs to love their mother. I think that is something that is earned. Love is earned. Many people are able to make a baby. Just because we carry a child to term and deliver that child does not mean we are a mother by any means. It is how we bring these children up that makes us a mother. I have a mother. I have a love/hate relationship with her. I do keep in contact with her, but I do limit that contact to my terms, and sometimes that is hard. I really want a mother. Seriously I do, yet, I am not sure she will ever be able to do that for me. I respect the fact that she gave me life. It is the things she did in life that has done damage to me. It is my job to fix that, on my own. It is my job to not pass that on to my children. It is my job to become whole. Not everybody loves their mother. I do, but, it is not a normal way people would feel it should be. It was not like growing up with June Cleaver.
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Old 08-14-2014, 11:10 AM
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No shame in being honest. When parents don't understand what love it, it's hard to feel love for them. I don't think love is warranted in some cases. I wanted to have a mother I could love. I wanted a mother who loved me. My mother said she loved me, but her actions didn't always back that up. How a person treats you is the evidence of their love or lack of love.
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