SolitaryThinker

I def fit in to this classification. I'm 28 and have been 14 days sober, my mom has been binging sense Easter and it's really making me sad. Not drinking isn't my issue it's just dealing with the emotions and anger of it all that's killing me inside. I'm just gonna copy and paste my post because I was suggested to come here. Someone please help me feel even a tiny bit better somehow, I'm really upset about this, and trying so hard to just remind positive and keep my sobriety myself:
Ok, here is why I'm even more distressed today. I was already very deep in my head today anyway, just thinking a lot but in a good way. My posts this morning reflect that I think. It wasn't pleasant thoughts, but legit ones. Anyway. My mom is really bad with the drinking too, and a workaholic as well, a brutal combo. She is supposed to be taking Antabuse. My stepfather loves her very much and treats her like gold, but he and I don't really have a close relationship. We do get along tho. Between the two of us we try to make sure she is feeling/doing well and staying on her meds. We crush it up in water usually, but she gets confident again, and will say things like "I'm not a baby I can take it like an adult" and gets all frustrated. She does well for a month or so at a time, and then starts pocketing them in her mouth in prep for knowing she wants to drink. Well I posted she did that on Easter. The problem with her logic is that she is still getting a small dosage of Antabuse keeping it in her mouth for that short amount of time. She haven't been to work sense Easter. I came home early this morning before work and she was vomiting in the sink and stunk of wine. I don't even question/ask about it anymore cause I just know what the deal is, and she gets extremely aggressive if I bring it up. In the state that I am in right now this is just making even more sad. I worked my day and when I got back home she was even worse. She is alone in the house all day if she is not working and I can't babysit cause I work 2 jobs. My stepdad won't be home till late every night during the week because of work all the time. I have a 12 flight set of stairs in the house and she has fallen down the stairs and hurt herself bad before, when her blood sugar drops it's even worse. I have the same hypoglycemic issue also if I drink or not. It's so stressful for me because I know she's sad cause my dad killed himself so I don't get angry with her, even tho I want to scream my brains out. I'm just even more worried and anxious cause of this. I stopped looking to her for guidance because when she sobers up, she almost tries to play "catch up" in a way and is a complete hardass. I'm almost 30 and live my own life semi comfortably. I'm just so sad seeing this, and then I get put in the position where I have to dig around the house looking for bottles in the typical hiding spots, and I'm standing at the sink thinking about drinking it myself. Then, I wanna just leave, I have plenty of safe places where I can just vibe out and relax. My GFs parents love me to deth and let me hang there whenever I want. They feed me and take care of me better then my parents ever have. It's kinda sad, but not also. Thankful I have that at least. But then I feel guilty leaving and living my life, she holds me back with her problem wether she is aware of it or not. I'm driving in the car with images of her tumbling down the stairs again, and my girls place is a good 30/40 min drive from my place, not directly around the corner. I know family is everything, but this is really killing me inside, and making staying sober only that much harder. Thank you for listening. This isn't easy for me, I just feel numb, the same numb from drinking and I'm sober. It makes me really scared that I may not find happiness at all. Not even an excuse to drink cause that gets me nowhere. Just really afraid it's not there anymore.

Croissant

Are you able to move out of this environment?

It doesn't sound like a very good one for you to focus on sobriety? You need to put yourself first.

SolitaryThinker

Well yes and no, my situation is more complex then just "hey I'm outta here"

Croissant

Sorry and I'm sorry for what is happening. My sincere concern was your sobriety. Which really does come first.

I was not suggesting you give up on the situation, but rather put a value on your own life outside of the situation. I did not mean to offend.

SolitaryThinker

no none at all!!! I really do have the options in my hands in the end. This is really just so much added stress on me right now and I want to keep my sobriety so bad, I'm really feeling good about it. It's discouraging. I'm just full of worry and anxiety. I can afford to move out for sure.

SolitaryThinker

I'm feeling strong in staying away, just so weak emotionally, for a guy none the less you know?

happybeingme

Hi ST,
Sounds like you have a lot going on. First, congrats on 14 days. Thats good stuff. Second, I am sorry about you mom. It is heart breaking when we cant fix our parents. But, you can lead by example. Take care of yourself, focus on your recovery, get healthy. Maybe it will inspire your mom. If it doesnt at least you will be able to handle it better. Stay in touch and let us know how your doing

SolitaryThinker

Thank you, it's still going on and I can't take it. I'm doing well staying away, but I'm just so depressed. I have been sitting on the couch waiting for work every day. I need to get out of my head and having a hard time getting motivated and trying some of the things I have been told on this site

SolitaryThinker

I'm in a dark place and extremely sad. And doing much of anything seems to feel like a daunting task

Kialua

Hi. I left home as soon as I could at 18. I hid out in friends basements and then found a roommate in an ad. Worked out way better for me than staying home with my alcoholic dad. I hope you can get somewhere safe, you are important too. Our parents have their choices to make, and we have ours.

So true we can't fix our parent's alcoholism as you have found out. But we can help ourselves and be good to ourselves. It has been said it is like being in an airplane when the oxygen masks drop down. Put yours on first, or you will likely die and then you can't help anyone else put theirs on.

It can seem selfish to let go of your Mom but it is more important at this stage to take care of yourself. Good luck. Keep reading around here, there is a lot of wisdom.

makomago

It is extremely sad to watch a parent or anyone else do this. Being an alcoholic myself I did it to myself too. But I know that no one could fix me and those that tried made me feel worse about myself which made me thirsty.

My Mother drank herself to hospital with pancreatitis and then to a mental institution with alcoholic dementia, korsakoffs syndrome and sundry other nastiness.

I admit that I am powerless over alcohol and over the effects of alcoholism. My Mum is similarly powerless but no longer has the mental capacity to recover.

I try also to remember (about my mother) that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. Perversely (I believe this from my own experience) that the more people try to fixed me, the worse I got. Those that (with love) tried to were in actual fact enabling me, preventing me from reaching a place where I was prepared to help myself.

The words earlier in the thread (I paraphrase) 'look after your own sobriety, lead by example' are words I've heard before and I try to follow them when I'm feeling sad about my Mums predicament.

I have no control over what my Mum (or others) do/does and attempting to control it will only lead to my disappointment, its futile... that's been my experience.

Your pain is familiar to me.

All the best

Mark

airwick

It is NOT SELFISH....I strongly agree with you there! I'm *9 yrs (and holding). My father always told me no one is going to care about you more then yourself! Take care of yourself first, because if you are not well,you can't help anyone else!!!!!!!!! Just as KIALUA said

fantasyworld

this sounds just like I was many years ago.. My mother had been an alcoholic since I was about 9. she was a closet drinker..as In I would never see her do it. She was also violent and abusive. I spent all of my teens and twenties and most of my thirties looking after her. I felt guilty for being happy..because she was always so miserable. yet, she loved being miserable.
I finally had enough when I hit age 35. She had took my abusive alcoholic ex husbands side in the divorce, and that was just the end for me. She died, alone when I was 41...2 years ago February 20, 2011.
I am not as angry with her anymore. So much was left unsaid when she died. She never liked to discuss what her alcoholism did to me...and how I felt when she blamed me "for her being an alcoholic". It hurt and propelled me into hyper fix mode. I know she had her own demons...but thats over now..I pray she has found peace. It helps me to live better knowing she is safe and happy..something I always craved. Just to know she is safe and happy. Strange, huh?