Safe Place for Mother's Day Feelings

[frances2011]

Today is Mother's Day in the US.

Many of us have complicated feelings about our Birth Moms.

Some of us didn't get the Mothering we needed as children.

Lots of us are reclaiming our childhood and growing as Loving Happy Adults.

I have complicated feelings about my mom. She was an alcoholic and died when I was 16. Much of my childhood was scary and traumatic for me.

Many years on Mother's Day, I have been angry, or grief-stricken, or bereft.

This year, I feel solid and content in my life. I feel gratitude for the family I have created with my husband and my dog. I feel immense pride in the children who call me Auntie. I feel called to help them grow up into Wonderful Adults.

I don't have many positive feelings about my Mom. It's best for me to focus on Today. For today, it's enough that I don't beat myself up or feel guilty for not wanting to think about her today.

I wanted to offer these thoughts and this thread for anyone who wants to share where they are today.

Wishing you peace, comfort, love and healing today.

[Willybluedog]

Thank you so much for sharing Frances.

I am very happy for you, and proud of all you have become and the life you have built for yourself.

I am 50, my mom is 78 and has been drinking between 3 & 6 bottles of wine a day for about 40 years, my dad is a massive enabler.

On mothers day I go through the motions, send the card, make the call, but my heart is not in it, it is always to keep the peace.

Thanks again,

God bless and big hugs to you and your family,

Bill

[dollydo]

I am not contacting my mother this mothers day, we are no contact...yet again.

She is still drinking and abusing at age 86, I can take no more.

I, like Willy was just going thru the motions and nothing I did for her was ever right..I'd send flowers, she didn't like them, not enough babies breath, sent a 8# fresh lobster, she bitched that she had no pot to cook it in and she was busy doing other things, sent
choc dipped strawberries, she counldn't eat them too much acid and on and on.

So...this year she gets nada, nothing, zilch...I hope that she will finally be happy!

Where I am today... is...at peace with my decision.

Thanks for the sincere post, enjoy your day!

[Kialua]

This is my second year without my mother, the abusive enabler. I always did right by her and forgave her much. She too was never really happy and a hypochondriac to the point that when she was actually dying at the age of 97 and I called my siblings, two of them didn't believe me and one of them, the favorite, didn't even come to see her.

I remember always searching hard for a mothers day or birthday card for her. What can you get someone that beat you senseless and sent your alcoholic father after you daily. There were a few cards that were more picture than prose so they worked and often, being an artist I would make my own without profuse sentiment. I hate to say it even to myself, but it's a great relief to be free from it. We did settle into a comfortable relationship and I do miss her. I find myself needing to ring her for a recipe or weather bulletin. The years did soften both of us.

Maybe I should start my own line of crappy parent cards for people like me, like

Yup, you're my Mom
Happy Mothers Day

or

Dad, it's your birthday
have a happy one

or I could get snarky:

Dad, all the beatings you gave
made me all the stronger
Now I don't put up with
anymore bull from you or anyone!
Have a good birthday
...without me

[dollydo]

To me, the hardest part was finding a card that said nothing. I certainly could never send a card that said "You have been such a wonderful mother, I am so grateful that you are in my life."

Two Christmases ago my step sister made a card for her , she hand drew it, made it special. It was very nice, step sister is a talented artist. Mommy Dearest, picked up the phone and screamed at her that how dare she send her a handmade card, that was really cheap, did she need a loan so she could afford to buy her one from the store...well...that was the last time my step sister spoke to her. Step sis did have a store bought card and a gift for her, she was planning to give it to her on Christmas Day, instead she tore the card up and returned the gift!

[Chris1000101]

Seems I agree with the feelings of many on this day. I have not had any contact with my bio-mom for 32 years now I have no desire to. My last foster mom is the one I chose to recognize and honor as mom. She was in my life for about 11 years; last month was 19 years of her passing. Sadly, I put her through hell like so many others in my life. She was the first significant female in my life that did her best to prove to me that not all women were evil. Today is just like any other holiday, it’s just another day.

[frances2011]

The shared experience of finding THE CARD cracks me up.

My dad married my step-mom two years after my mom died. I am grateful to her that she's been a good husband to him. We have a cordial relationship. I go through the motions of Call/Card/Present/Meal.

Most years I deeply resent that I *have* to do the obligatory paying-of-attention-to-her but it's the path of least resistance.

Just one year I'd like to say, "I'm not celebrating Mother's Day. I don't feel like it. I find this to be a difficult day thinking about and missing my Mom."

The codie dance would be her blowing a gasket and one-upping me for her difficult childhood and shaming me into submission. Very motherly. (sarcasm)

I have an AWESOME mom-in-law and we talked to her on the phone this morning. I am very grateful that my husband was raised by wonderful, sane, functional, mature, loving, people. He grew up being LOVED. I benefit every day from how wonderfully my mom-in-law raised my husband.

Thank you for letting me share.

[LaFemmeNikita]

I HATE the job of picking out a card for my alcoholic mother. I find a plain generic one each year. I get sad looking at all the sappy mothers day cards they have are for wonderful mothers out there and wish i had a normal mother to buy one for...hopefully one day my girls will buy one of the nice sappy cards for me!

[frances2011]

Welcome to SR LaFemmeNikita!

I hope you get the card you want from your girls some day SOON. How old are they?

I say all the time how inspiring and healing it is for me to be part of SR and see all the wonderful parents here getting and staying sober, and getting and staying in better situations for their kids. I think of all the SR kids who are going to bed happy and waking up feeling excited to start a new day. (I'm VERY SAPPY.)

[Wascally Wabbit]

I'm a little late here, but I stopped mother's day and even birthday cards decades ago. I just can't bring my self to lie through a card.

Each mother's day or birthday, mom will tell me how many cards she got from her millions of friends who think so much of her, love her and are thankful she is in their life. She then reads each card to me. After she's done, my response is always, "I'm glad you have such nice friends.".