Just a closet!

[dollydo]

Or is it?

When I was little, to get away from my mothers drunkin rages, I would hide in the little closet in the laundry room. There were always dirty clothes mounded up there and I would sit in the far corner and dump all the clothes over me.

She did open the door on occasion screaming my name, but I wouldn't move, I wouldn't come out, she never found me...after she left the house or passed out, I would sneak out.

That closet became my bomb shelter of sorts, my safe haven.

Where I now live, I don't have much closet space, and the one in my master is very small, it is loaded with my clothes and shoes, organized
and clean...I like my little closet, when I go in there, I feel safe, it is like being in my own little world.

Strange how after all these years that I can still relate a simple closet to my sense of safety and well-being.

Thanks for listening, I just needed to ramble and share my thoughts.

[aasharon90]

A Mother's Rage. Boy do I remember mine.
However, as much as I wanted to hide, fear
always won and definitely parallized me.

There was no escape from Dr. Jeckly/Mr. Hyde.

A program of recovery for the past 21 yrs.
has set me free to live a safe, secure, happier
life.

[Kialua]

Sounds like you really did find safety, what a smart thing to do. And that your Mom didn't find you, how wonderful, I can't imagine. My A Dad always found me...couldn't find a hiding place. That would have been wonderful and scary at the same time. We were so controlled that we always came out. Obeyed to the death, or the beatings. There was no disobedience, that always made the beating worse...not that any of the drunken beatings were light.

One time when my parents went grocery shopping in middle of a busy uptown area my younger sister, 6, and I, 8, were told to wait in the car and NOT get out no matter what and don't roll the windows down either and keep the doors locked. This was 3 blocks from home in familiar territory that we walked past to school daily. We did as told and actually enjoyed the private time away from the parents.

After a while we noticed a huge bat that was clinging onto the fabric ceiling and started screaming and crying. We attracted a large crowd that kept yelling "roll the window down, get out of the car!" Of course we didn't but kept crying and screaming. A policeman finally took control of the situation and told us to come out but we still wouldn't. He went inside the grocery store and found our parents who finally opened the door got us out and calmed us down, got rid of the bat. The policeman asked us why we wouldn't get out of the car or roll down the windows, we said "Because he told us we couldn't" to which my A Dad just laughed and laughed. The policeman said something like, you sure have obedient kids mister and then yelled at him for leaving us alone (long time ago, I know it's different now and he would have gotten into real trouble now).

Yeah, not really obedient, just scared to death of my abusive alcoholic father.

[m1k3]

Thank you Dolly for that post. I can remember laying in bed and night, and when my AF would come home drunk and look in, pretending to be asleep. I would lay there thinking please, please don't come in. If he thought I was awake he would always come in, if he thought I was asleep he seldom came in.

Most of his torture was verbal and psychological. The beatings were saved for special occasions.

He's dead and I don't miss him. My mother isn't as far as I know and I don't miss her.

He was a great teacher for me on how to raise my kids though. I would just ask myself what would dad do and then do the opposite.

Because of that I have a great relationship with my daughters, their husbands and my grand kids.

Edit:
And now that I'm divorcing my AW I am finally start to have a great relationship with myself.
/Edit:

[Kialua]

Mike, my a dad did the same thing with my brothers but he always came in and woke them up to beat them. ugh. He didn't do that to me once I was asleep. My mother didn't stop him and mostly joined him. She would always tell him every (imagined) infraction that happened and he meted out punishment whenever he came home so it didn't matter if they were asleep.

[dollydo]

As a young child, under 7, I lived with my grandparents (my mothers parents), they had a small summer cottage on a lake every summer my Grandmother and I would stay there while Grandpa worked during the week, when first grade started we had to return to the area where my mother lived and I would have to "be" with her for a period of time...I was scared...very scared...I didn't want to go, so, I hid between the sofa and the wall. I was crouched down in a little ball, toward the back wall.

My grandparents were in a panic...I didn't come out for at least an hour, finally, I did.

I know now that I was wrong, but, I was in the survival mode. I did what I knew to do, hide and be quiet.

As others here, a program of recovery has helped me, I no longer hide, yet, I still look for a safe haven. I now have created one for me, how wonderful that is!

Thanks for sharing!