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|05-03-2012, 11:41 PM||#1 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Baltimore MD
I think I might just blow!!!
I'm an AC of ACoA. I never really knew this until I found the rooms of Al Anon trying to deal with my RAH who had relapsed last year. I'm happy to say he's been sober for over 13 months so I really have no complaints in my marriage. It's funny how I was an avid F2F attendee during the early months of his recovery but meetings become less of a priority for me when things smoothed out. Like I hadn't learned I had issues I needed to work on due to my less then functional upbringing. But now I feel like a keg of dynamite waiting for a spark. There's so much going on right now in my life.
I got laid off in March and even though I got called back a month later I'm just so angry because I worked my a** off and coworkers that didn't do crap kept their jobs. Even people hired after me stayed. Sure they said it wasn't my work, it was a financial decision but nevertheless it's left me pissed. My return to work is only part-time and as of April 1st, I have no more medical benefits. I was diagnosed with arthritis and I have no idea what I'm going to do when I run out of medicine. I was in the middle of having major dental work done and now I don't know how I'm going to afford to finish it and I have to. Between the pain and limited eating options I feel utterly miserable. My RAH is on disability, so he can only contribute so much. He tried helping a friend out on a job a few weeks back for some extra money and ended up in excruciating pain. It just wasn't worth it. I'm suffering from insomnia, I can't seem to fall asleep before 4-5am, which makes it hell for me when I have to get up early for work.
My eldest daughter (24yo) is in college and after being in a near fatal care accident about 5 years ago is partially disabled. She was working but lost her job when she got arrested in a drug raid in 2010. She got probation before judgment, came home and went back to school. Things with her were looking up considering she's bipolar and refuses to take meds. I try to practice detachment with her. You know, no news is good news. Well I found out last week she's 5 months pregnant with twins for a 21 yr old guy who as far as I know makes his money on the streets. Did I mention the guy who she got locked up with, whose supposed to be her fiance' is still locked up & she's still talking to this guy like everything is going to be fine when he gets released! Ughhh!
The house I bought in 2002 is falling apart. Roof leaking, windows rotting, the pipes are so old the water won't flow above the first floor. When it got raided (yep, my daughter was living there when the police raided it in 2010) the police tore the walls and floors up, pulled down the gutters off the back of the house and destroyed furniture. I live in an 2BR apt and my youngest (16yo son) lives with me & my husband. I let my girls live in the house. So today I find out my eldest (the pregnant one) has moved out and left my 19 year old daughter there alone. (The 19yo was laid off too with me in March). I'm still paying the mortgage every month because I don't want to lose it, it's all I really have of "value."
I was diagnosed bipolar with a panic disorder back in the late 90's but in 2005 my psych dr took me off meds and I've been able to function since. I've been working and I'm even back in school to finish my degree. I want to stop smoking but when I've tried my panic attacks come back with a vengeance. I haven't left the house except to walk the dog or go to the store since Monday and I'm hoping I not getting depressed on top of everything else I got going on. I know I probably need to go to a therapist to sort thru all this and get some meds but again I have no medical insurance so that would just be another bill I definitely cannot afford. So, I'm hoping I can convince myself to leave the house tomorrow and at least find a F2F meeting.
If anyone has an ES&H I would love to hear it. If nothing else, thanks for letting me share... /
|The Following User Says Thank You to DestinyM For This Useful Post:|| |
|05-04-2012, 01:56 PM||#2 (permalink)|
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South Pacific
...but will tackle two of these issues...
I have been med free for most of my life... I was put on lots when I was 17 and it really didn't work for me... I saw it as a trap.
Someone tried to put me inside a chemical straight jacket about 20 years ago. I am glad i didn't. I had a close friend N. who did- he did not go to meetings and depended entirely on health services. 5 years ago he ran out of rope... I got in under the radar about 10 days before he died... but he had lost the will to go on... and he had no personal resources.
he was living with his mother at the time he hanged himself in the garage- which was a mean weird despicable thing to do. So 'there but for the grace of God go I'... not an option for me...
And the second thing... I lost my job last year... it wasn't because of my work ethic- which was good... almost too good. I am not really a team player. In the end i was sacked- I took the employer to the Employment Court and win an 'out of court' settlement.
I live in a rural community and finding work is very hard... it brings out the survivor in me... I am getting by doing hard seasonal work...
my lifesaver was writing a book and publishing it myself... this went well- more than breaking even... ... and i got invited to present at a conference... so doing this research is keeping my head above water...
...it seems on this forum people are able to vent as much as they like... it is not like a f2f meeting when sharing holds all those other people up!
And we get to pick and choose what posts we want to respond to!
I get inspired by other people's shares... it gets me in touch with my own struggle... ...and it fuels my own hopes and dreams...
so this is my ESH response... will look out for more postings from you....!!!
take care out there...
|05-04-2012, 04:02 PM||#3 (permalink)|
Join Date: Sep 2011
Blog Entries: 20
Welcome. Wow, I'm sorry this is all happening for you. You are very brave as you face these challenges. Hang in there.
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.
|05-04-2012, 08:23 PM||#4 (permalink)|
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Blog Entries: 3
I am so sorry for all that is going on in your life right now. I will say a prayer that things settle down and that you feel better.
If you need to talk or vent I will be here to listen.
Big hugs to you.
|The Following User Says Thank You to Willybluedog For This Useful Post:|| |
|Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)|
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