Ten Thousand Steps Back

[Payne]

I was on here a lot a year ago. But I found a strength and peace of mind I had never known and I grew to neglect my time on here. Since then I have watched a dear friend move away, my father blatantly lie about his health while listening to his friends tell me the harsh reality, lost many of my friends because I was walking away from false friendships, my mother has gone back to her crazier ways, and I find myself completely pulling away from the human race as a whole.
Tonight I attempted to join in with some old friends who hadn't fully supported my transition through the past year, they politely shunned me and I excused myself early. I see that as realizing it's not a quality friendship and that's fine. However, I find myself completely shunning the human race as a whole. I go to work, come home, neglect my dreams because it's too much socialization, reading, watching tv, and hanging out with my dogs. I can see myself becoming a hermit.
In the past I was very social, made friends with ease, now I find myself yearning for a friendship without the urge to make one. I assume it's some last fail safe destruct button. I spent my whole life not knowing how to even begin being healthy, and now that I feel I'm so close I have run into this concrete wall. Before if people rejected me it was because of my issues and my past, now if they do its because of me. Instead of embracing my progress for the last year I think I"m frozen stiff with fear. That may or may not be accurate, it's just the best guess I can come up with.
My mind has switched from emotional to completely logical in recent months, like a damn between my soul and my mind and body was built. It's the oddest feeling. I never cry anymore, even though the nightmares of my childhood come every night. I don't mope around if I'm slighted, I shuffle it off and move on. It's like I'm so close to letting others opinions, the past, and stupid things not have control over my life, yet in order to achieve it I think I lost something.

[cb12]

I wish I had some wise words for you, Payne, but I don't. I'm sorry.

Sending good thoughts your way.

[DesertEyes]

Hello Payne, and welcome back

Originally Posted by Payne

... I find myself completely pulling away from the human race as a whole. ...

I do that too. Whenever I am emotionally overwhelmed I do the old "injured animal in a cave" routine. I never learned social skills as a child, I learned them as an adult thru recovery and a couple good therapists. I don't have a "natural" ability to balance what parts of a person to trust and not to trust, it takes work for me to do that. When I am overwhelmed I don't have the energy needed to interact with people in a healthy way, so I regress to animal reflexes and just hide from anything that moves.

It feels good for a while, but it's actually doing me more harm than good. So I force myself to get on the cell and connect with those that have earned my trust in the past. These are the peeps that feed _my_ spirit when I need help. I have a small group of such peeps and part of my recovery is to keep in touch with them, even when I don't _want_ to.

Originally Posted by Payne

... I spent my whole life not knowing how to even begin being healthy, and now that I feel I'm so close I have run into this concrete wall....

That's a good description of what my recovery has been like. I make good progress, then I hit a wall. What works for me to is to step away from the wall, rest for a bit, then go some other way. I have found that whenever I hit a "wall" in my ACoA recovery it's because I am both overwhelmed with life and, distracted by those overwhelming life events, I have strayed from my "path" of recovery. My "walls" are not obstacles in my recovery, they are obstacles _outside_ my path to recovery telling me I need to stop, turn around, and get back to doing what has worked in the past.

Originally Posted by Payne

...It's the oddest feeling. I never cry anymore, even though the nightmares of my childhood come every night. ...

Yeah, that's one of my "walls" too. Emotional disconnect. In my case it means I have to get back to socializing, even though it's tiring. Get back to exercising, yoga, paying attention to what I eat, spending more time listening to people instead of avoiding them. My "walls" are warnings that I have stopped doing what is good for me and have been doing things that are not healthy for me, usually for some time. I don't hit those walls right away, it takes a few months for me.

Originally Posted by Payne

...I can see myself becoming a hermit. ...

Oh yes, exactly right, that is _so_ me. In my case it's like an addiction. I start with just a _little_ bit of isolation, and it feels good. So I do a little more even though I know in the long run it's bad for me, but I find some way to rationalize it. Little by little I feed it, lying to myself that I will only do it for a short while and stop.

Then I hit one of those walls you described. Whadya know, it's been _months_ since I had any deep, honest contact with another person, and now I have to do a whole lot of work to get out of my "emotional hermitage" and back into the world of the living. I can isolate just fine in a crowd, it has nothing to do with physical isolation, it all happens in my head.

If there were such a thing as "Hermits Anoymous" I'd be a perfect fit.

Don't know if any of that relates to what you are going thru. I do know that what you described fits me perfectly. Thanx for sharing that

Mike

[Payne]

That's kind of exactly it. The only difference is I used to have very good social skills. Sadly through the process of my recovery I realized how many people around me were bad choices as friends, and I guess I"m doing the ACoA thing and blaming myself for something I couldn't help. I made friends with these people, trusted them, and got my heart broken, because they seemed healthy and now I know they're not. I remember a couple months back before the hermiting, I was telling a friend how I would love to make friends, but how can I trust myself? I obviously have poor judgement and making new friends is just setting myself up for failure. I see so many strands of ACoA in just that one sentence and yet I think that's what I came to believe. I'm seeing a dear friend today who has been in my life for about fifteen years, and tomorrow that same friend I had said that to. They have shown over and over that they care.
In the mean time you're right about the excercise and food. I need to get more proactive with that, along with going back to following my dreams. I had just finished school for something I have been wanting to do my whole life, then just stopped following it. HA! I guess things got too good and I was expecting them to fail, only difference is yet one more time I'm the one who wrecked it. It's a road to recovery not a race eh?

[PurpleDurple]

DesertEyes and Payne---

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for putting into words what I have been trying to figure out for about 3 years. I have felt all of those things that you both are describing. Jeesh....going out and just meeting people is just so tiring. The fake smiles, the kiss-kiss, the "just friend me on FB" gets on my nerves but by not engaging in it I am very much alone. And constantly second-guessing my own thoughts and likes adds to the fatigue.

You guys really hit the nail on the head for me here. I would love to see more discussion on this. Really specific strategies, ideas, approaches? Pretty please?

[ACOAHappyNow]

I think we get to a point where we only want REAL relationships, not sick and fake ones. But our society has so much addiction and codependency, we end up being very isolated in our health.

I don't think you will end up a hermit. I think your spirit is taking a much-needed rest from socializing so that when you are ready again, you will find friends who will be genuine and will support you in your health instead of friends who only like you when you are sick with the family disease.

[Kialua]

Yes I vacillate between seeing no one and seeing everyone. I've come to the conclusion that everyone has problems and no one is 100 percent healthy. It's just a matter of how much time I spend with them. So now I'm refocusing on those closest, not the abusive ones though, and working on how I react to what they say/do.

[Payne]

I agree it's a very under discussed topic. almost like being released from prison and trying to learn the social skills to go back out in the world. We learn all of the bad in us, all of the bad in the world, all of the positive thoughts but we've forgotten how to live in the world.

[DesertEyes]

Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel

... Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for putting into words what I have been trying to figure out for about 3 years.....

Isn't recovery cool? That's exactly what happens to me. I go to a meet, listen to peeps and all of a sudden somebody will say something and it's like "OMG so _that_ is what's wrong with me, how come I never figured that out on my own !!!!"

Originally Posted by PurpleSquirrel

... I would love to see more discussion on this. Really specific strategies, ideas, approaches? ....

What works for me is to recognize that those feeling I am having are not really _mine_. They are the feelings I had when I was child, and since I was unable to deal with them in the past I have to do something about them today.

Because they are the feelings of a child, I approach it as if I were trying to help a child.

I _hate_ going to the grocery store. ( Long story, comes from my childhood of course, but knowing where it came from does not make it go away ) Ok, so what kinds of things did I _like_ doing as a child?

I loved acting. I dreamed of growing up and being a movie star. I signed up for every theatrical activity in school, watched movies on TV, stole my mother's magazines, tried to imitate Clint Eastwood's hissy accent.

I made the grocery store a place to practice my acting skills. I would decide on what part I was going to play. My favorite was to pretend I was the CEO of the monster corporation that owns the grocery store, and that I am doing a secret review of my employees. I'm going to show up in a non-descript, beat up truck so they won't suspect who I am ( yes, _my_ beat up truck ), and I am going to be very nice and "not find" something I am looking for. I will ask an employee where to find it and memorize their words and attitude so I can write it down in their personnel file.

Pretty silly, huh? The idea is to "dissociate" my own feelings from the feelings of that child I used to be, and act as if that child were with me. I am doing the actions I would do if I were that child tyring to get over those feelings.

I also took juggling lessons, and I would pretend it was not the grocery store but a circus. I would grab paper towel rolls and juggle them. No, not the fruit, I am pretty bad as a juggler

That's just one example, the idea is to take actions today, as an adult, that would heal a child. Because it is the child that was injured, not the adult.

Worked great for me. Along with a couple good therapists, meetings, some classes in social skills, some other classes in acting. I got to liking it so much I took a _lot_ of classes in acting.

Today I can handle all those social situations I used to _hate_. I can chit chat with people and most of the time I can find _something_ to like in most everybody. No, I do not like _everybody_, but I am able to slowly get to know people and find the ones I can be friends with.

Mike
p.s. The acting classes? Yeah well I _suck_ as an actor, even with all those classes. I still can't talk like Clint Eastwood

[Payne]

Desert Eyes, you defnitely keep me cracking up when I read your posts, and I certainly seem to connect a lot to your recovery, it's very similar with mine. I know my spiral came when a fantastic friend of mine who helped me through a lot of my recovery followed her dreams to a different city. I still see her often and talk to her but I know my issues are pressing a strain on our friendship even though I try not to allow them to. I'm attempting to take over my own recovery without burdening her and allowing her to enjoy her new life, and I think I've overwhelmed myself. It's like releasing the last step of codependency on someone. That's probably my overwhelming point, if I asked she would be there, but I want our friendship and my life, and well hers to move to a point where it isn't always so focused on those past issues, she's willing too, but I think my subconscious is slipping into abandonment/codependency overdrive.