I Wish I Had Found Out Sooner - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

LuvMySis · 03-22-2012, 02:28 PM

I'm 54 years old, and I didn't learn about any of this ACA stuff until I started reading this forum a few months ago. My family of origin has alcoholics, abusers of other substances, and mental illness. Throughout my adult years, I've sought counseling various places, and I never realized that most of the feelings and behaviors I have are normal for an ACA. I've always felt like there is something very wrong with me, because I have these feelings. In fact, I've felt so ashamed of myself for so long that I don't discuss how I feel with anyone anymore.

Now I am starting to feel relieved to know there may be an explanation for this. I hope there is a way I can be strong enough to share my experiences, and ask for help. This forum is what I've needed for a long time. Thank you all for being here. I'm so angry that there isn't more awareness in the community about the impact of addiction on kids and families. And I'm sad that it took me this long to start to figure it out myself. I've wasted a lot of years dealing with this crap, when I could have been working on recovery. Not to mention that I have a 19-year-old daughter, who has had to grow up like this. I hope it's not too late for her. God help us all.

Thanks for reading.

**DesertEyes** · 03-22-2012, 05:20 PM

Hello LuvMySis, and welcome to our quiet corner of SR

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

... I've always felt like there is something very wrong with me, because I have these feelings. In fact, I've felt so ashamed of myself for so long that I don't discuss how I feel with anyone anymore.....

Goodness yes, that is exactly the way I felt too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

... I hope there is a way I can be strong enough to share my experiences, and ask for help. ....

There is no doubt that you will be strong enough. You have already started by posting on this forum

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

... I'm so angry that there isn't more awareness in the community about the impact of addiction on kids and families. ....

You're right, there should be. It is happening though, little by little there is more information getting out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

... I hope it's not too late for her......

It's never too late. There's a number of folks right here in that age group and they're learning and building a better life for themselves. Your daughter now has _you_ to help show her the way. Just like everybody else in this forum, you guys will do fine.

Welcome again

Mike

chicory · 03-22-2012, 06:57 PM

Luvmysis,
welcome, and get ready, for the wonderful freedom that comes with understanding. your life can be better than you ever thought.

before a recovering alcoholic friend pointed me towards adult children of alcoholics meetings, i had so many problems and had no clue that I was not behaving normally. It was normal for a person who had two alcoholic parents, tho

this is an awesome place. now you can take control of your life, instead of life controlling you! it is never too late. i am no youngin, but i feel like i am learning as a child would, about some things. and it is good!

hugs
chicory

Kialua · 03-22-2012, 10:23 PM

Hi! Glad you found the forum. I know what you mean. I read the book ACA when it came out but never found a community like this one until recently.

But you're right there isn't enough exposure on this subject. I was in advertising and the only thing I can think of is maybe seeing if the group could get some free PSAs done by the Ad Council. In this day and age of electronics it would sweep through the country pretty effectively. but that would lead to a lot of children calling for help... something would have to be established for that... sorry for rambling but it just started me thinking.

LuvMySis · 03-23-2012, 06:49 AM

Thank you so much for all of the support. All of your comments are very helpful. I originally came to this site looking for help for my sister, who is an alcoholic, and obviously a product of the same family as me. Her adult life has been pure he!!, and in the process, she's made my life pure he!! for the past several years.

So, I came here to read and gain insight into dealing with my sister. Then I stumbled on the ACA forums, and I spent many hours reading all of the stickies and many threads. At some point while reading the stickies, I burst into tears and couldn't control it. I felt relief and sadness at the same time. All of this is so ugly I can't even stand to think about it without feeling physically sick.

I know from reading all of your posts that I will get to a place where I can deal with this better. Thanks for the help.

Plath · 03-23-2012, 08:52 AM

Welcome, LuvMySis.

I'm glad that you found our forum, I know it's been priceless for me to be able to post on here, even if it's just to vent about how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life.

I also grew up with absolutely no awareness that there was help for the type of environment I grew up in. There was very little blatant alcoholism in my own childhood, but both of my parents were raised by alcoholics and abusive people, so the behavior just continued on through the generations in a cycle.

It wasn't until I developed serious addiction issues of my own that I found any sort of 12 step recovery group, and while that was very helpful for me, I've found that ACA really addresses the core issues of why I act/react the way that I do. As others have mentioned, my reactions seemed perfectly reasonable to me (and sometimes they still do, even if they aren't) because I grew up in such an unreasonable environment.

Warm, healing thoughts to you on your journey of healing.

Kialua · 03-23-2012, 10:06 AM

Yes you will get to that place where you can handle this and even grow. The tears are from finally finding your reality is shared. Feel welcome to read my blog if you like.

LuvMySis · 03-23-2012, 11:32 AM

I'm going to find Kialua's blog and read it. I'm also going to buy a book that I read about on another thread.

You all are very wise, and I'm so sorry for all you've been through. But for the grace of God, I didn't become addicted to alcohol or drugs. But despite that, all of the ridiculous thoughts I have and odd behavior I show is plenty bad.

I'm just so relieved to find out that I might not be a bad person after all.

At some point, I'm going to have to figure out how I feel about my RA sister. She has been in recovery for three months. After her latest binge, I went "no contact" with her. She has made attempts to reconcile with me since, but I've resisted so far because I am still so hurt and angry at her. I can't stand the thought of having that drama in my life right now. But, she is also a "victim" of our dysfunctional family, right?

Kialua · 03-23-2012, 12:17 PM

Yes she is. But I understand you're setting boundaries. There are just some crazy-making situations that we can't live with and be sane and healthy. (Oh to find blogs just click under my name where the number is underlined.)

**DesertEyes** · 03-23-2012, 02:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

...I'm just so relieved to find out that I might not be a bad person after all....

You are not a bad person. Just like the rest of us we are _injured_ people getting healthy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LuvMySis

... she is also a "victim" of our dysfunctional family, right?

Not quite. It's more like she's an alcoholic who _also_ had a dysfunctional family. Those are two entirely separate issues. Some people have both, some only one.

Mike

dollydo · 03-24-2012, 03:43 AM

frances2011 · 03-24-2012, 04:20 AM

Welcome luvmysis! There is so much strength and sanity and happiness here in our corner of sr. So glad you are here. Today is a beautiful day to love ourselves.

So many people here are creating and owning peace and happiness. I'm inspired everyday, one day at a time.

I went to an event last night and experienced being calm and trusting in this circumstance for the first time in my life. I think that's one of the acoa gifts. At almost 45, I get to have brand new experiences like a kid.

a happy cared for kid

03-22-2012, 02:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
LuvMySis Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 145	I Wish I Had Found Out Sooner I'm 54 years old, and I didn't learn about any of this ACA stuff until I started reading this forum a few months ago. My family of origin has alcoholics, abusers of other substances, and mental illness. Throughout my adult years, I've sought counseling various places, and I never realized that most of the feelings and behaviors I have are normal for an ACA. I've always felt like there is something very wrong with me, because I have these feelings. In fact, I've felt so ashamed of myself for so long that I don't discuss how I feel with anyone anymore. Now I am starting to feel relieved to know there may be an explanation for this. I hope there is a way I can be strong enough to share my experiences, and ask for help. This forum is what I've needed for a long time. Thank you all for being here. I'm so angry that there isn't more awareness in the community about the impact of addiction on kids and families. And I'm sad that it took me this long to start to figure it out myself. I've wasted a lot of years dealing with this crap, when I could have been working on recovery. Not to mention that I have a 19-year-old daughter, who has had to grow up like this. I hope it's not too late for her. God help us all. Thanks for reading.

03-22-2012, 10:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
Kialua Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 870 Blog Entries: 20	Hi! Glad you found the forum. I know what you mean. I read the book ACA when it came out but never found a community like this one until recently. But you're right there isn't enough exposure on this subject. I was in advertising and the only thing I can think of is maybe seeing if the group could get some free PSAs done by the Ad Council. In this day and age of electronics it would sweep through the country pretty effectively. but that would lead to a lot of children calling for help... something would have to be established for that... sorry for rambling but it just started me thinking. __________________ Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

03-23-2012, 08:52 AM	#6 (permalink)
Plath Member Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: My head, and occasionally the world around me Posts: 282	Welcome, LuvMySis. I'm glad that you found our forum, I know it's been priceless for me to be able to post on here, even if it's just to vent about how I'm feeling or what's going on in my life. I also grew up with absolutely no awareness that there was help for the type of environment I grew up in. There was very little blatant alcoholism in my own childhood, but both of my parents were raised by alcoholics and abusive people, so the behavior just continued on through the generations in a cycle. It wasn't until I developed serious addiction issues of my own that I found any sort of 12 step recovery group, and while that was very helpful for me, I've found that ACA really addresses the core issues of why I act/react the way that I do. As others have mentioned, my reactions seemed perfectly reasonable to me (and sometimes they still do, even if they aren't) because I grew up in such an unreasonable environment. Warm, healing thoughts to you on your journey of healing. __________________ "You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist." Friedrich Nietzsche

03-23-2012, 10:06 AM	#7 (permalink)
Kialua Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 870 Blog Entries: 20	Yes you will get to that place where you can handle this and even grow. The tears are from finally finding your reality is shared. Feel welcome to read my blog if you like. __________________ Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

03-23-2012, 12:17 PM	#9 (permalink)
Kialua Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 870 Blog Entries: 20	Yes she is. But I understand you're setting boundaries. There are just some crazy-making situations that we can't live with and be sane and healthy. (Oh to find blogs just click under my name where the number is underlined.) __________________ Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

Starting over

Starting over

03-22-2012, 06:57 PM	#3 (permalink)
chicory Member Join Date: Jul 2010 Location: ohio usa Posts: 4,196	Luvmysis, welcome, and get ready, for the wonderful freedom that comes with understanding. your life can be better than you ever thought. before a recovering alcoholic friend pointed me towards adult children of alcoholics meetings, i had so many problems and had no clue that I was not behaving normally. It was normal for a person who had two alcoholic parents, tho this is an awesome place. now you can take control of your life, instead of life controlling you! it is never too late. i am no youngin, but i feel like i am learning as a child would, about some things. and it is good! hugs chicory

03-23-2012, 06:49 AM	#5 (permalink)
LuvMySis Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 145	Thank you so much for all of the support. All of your comments are very helpful. I originally came to this site looking for help for my sister, who is an alcoholic, and obviously a product of the same family as me. Her adult life has been pure he!!, and in the process, she's made my life pure he!! for the past several years. So, I came here to read and gain insight into dealing with my sister. Then I stumbled on the ACA forums, and I spent many hours reading all of the stickies and many threads. At some point while reading the stickies, I burst into tears and couldn't control it. I felt relief and sadness at the same time. All of this is so ugly I can't even stand to think about it without feeling physically sick. I know from reading all of your posts that I will get to a place where I can deal with this better. Thanks for the help.

03-23-2012, 11:32 AM	#8 (permalink)
LuvMySis Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Posts: 145	I'm going to find Kialua's blog and read it. I'm also going to buy a book that I read about on another thread. You all are very wise, and I'm so sorry for all you've been through. But for the grace of God, I didn't become addicted to alcohol or drugs. But despite that, all of the ridiculous thoughts I have and odd behavior I show is plenty bad. I'm just so relieved to find out that I might not be a bad person after all. At some point, I'm going to have to figure out how I feel about my RA sister. She has been in recovery for three months. After her latest binge, I went "no contact" with her. She has made attempts to reconcile with me since, but I've resisted so far because I am still so hurt and angry at her. I can't stand the thought of having that drama in my life right now. But, she is also a "victim" of our dysfunctional family, right?

03-24-2012, 03:43 AM	#11 (permalink)
dollydo I'm no angel! Join Date: May 2005 Location: tampa, fl Posts: 6,735

03-24-2012, 04:20 AM	#12 (permalink)
frances2011 Member Join Date: Apr 2011 Posts: 2,598	Welcome luvmysis! There is so much strength and sanity and happiness here in our corner of sr. So glad you are here. Today is a beautiful day to love ourselves. So many people here are creating and owning peace and happiness. I'm inspired everyday, one day at a time. I went to an event last night and experienced being calm and trusting in this circumstance for the first time in my life. I think that's one of the acoa gifts. At almost 45, I get to have brand new experiences like a kid. a happy cared for kid __________________ "Sobriety is action. We must live a sober life, not think a sober life!" March 1, 2011 ~ Proud to Be a Marcher

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