Mother Hates AA

[Keyn]

Hi folks, this is my first post.

Quick history:

I spent my formative years on the streets. Mom was an addict and prostitute, but never an alcoholic. She straightened up, 'recovered' from drug use and had been clean for nearly 20 years. I moved away to join the Air Force about 4 yrs after she went sober. I'm now married and have two little girls. My mom's life has been hell. Totally isolated from family and no social skills (no real friends).

She misses us (esp. the grandkids) and just a week ago admitted that she spent a while in the hospital for detox. She had been drinking a half gallon of vodka per day. Weird as mom was never a drinker. Now she's found some church group and some recovery group. I'm happy she did this instead of being court-ordered via DUI.

I don't think she ever recovered. She changed substances, but the 'abuse' part of it is still there. She hasn't learned to cope in a healthy way. But after so many years??? Maybe the healthy mechanisms she had just didn't work, and she went back to what works. I don't know. What I do know is that she seems to hate AA, and is therefore never stepping into one again (she was ordered to attend years ago). She complains that she's tired of hearing the same old hashed out woe-is-me stories and says that people stood around almost bragging about their alcoholism/addiction. Her biggest issue is a lack of guidance from a certified therapist/counselor, and that their support system is a group of people at risk of 'falling off the wagon'.

Don't really know why I'm going on about all this. Anyway, thanks for listening.

[Willybluedog]

Keyn,

Welcome,

So glad you are here, you don't have to know why you are here, but this is a great place just to vent.

A suggestion, just read the permanant posts at the top (stickies) and some of the other stories, I would also reommend the ACOA thread, it's for those of us who grew up with dysfunctional and addicted parents.

If you want to talk, I will be here to listen.

I will say a prayer for your family,

Best of luck to you,

Bill

[Kialua]

Welcome, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are among many who have experienced similar lives with their parents.

So your Mom hates AA? My alcoholic Dad (AD) hated it too and never went until he was incarcerated at 80. But her situation sounds a bit like some church groups I've belonged to. They sometimes have their own recovery groups and don't encourage AA. If she is using their own recovery group, you still have hope as they have some high recovery rates too. You might try to learn a little more about her group, maybe they have website that explains their recovery group. It might make you a bit more at ease. Some church groups don't like the open end Higher Power concept, and don't like the idea that one says they are forever an alcoholic/addict in AA based programs. They like to profess they are healed and free.

I don't know for sure of course, just my past experience with some church groups.

[Keyn]

Bill, thank you for the support. Kialua, Very good suggestions, thank you. My fear is that my mother never gets to the actual recovery point. She's got 'getting sober' licked. She just has issues with, "Ok, I'm sober, so now what?" It's at this point she stops. This is because she thinks the substance addiction is the problem, it's not. She's unable to handle life on life's terms that's her problem. Her choice to escape her problems via addiction (narcotics, then food, now alcohol) is just a symptom of her problem.

Really, I think when people reach out to rescue her is when she's happiest. Once she's out of the pit, she doesn't want to reach back out to others. It's sad because it's so selfish objectively, but I'm sure she must have a skewed vision of it that says the same rescuers are abandoning her once she's out of the pit. I can't wait for the day that she realizes that life just goes on...with you or without you and it's up to us whether or not we participate.

She had bariatric surgery to deal with her food addiction. She literally beleives she's an alcoholic now because of the surgery. Denial? I asked her why did she start drinking in the first place, and she answered it was because she missed us so much. What the heck does that have to do with bariatric surgery??? NOTHING. Did the surgery assist in the physical addiction process, maybe usher it along faster than otherwise? Could be. Doesn't matter though. The addiction came from her inability to cope. Wonder when she's going to get that through her head...

[Kialua]

You may never know why she does all this. And she may do this for the rest of her life. My AD drank until he was incarcerated at 80. Maybe she will be open for some books about abuse, maybe not. It's really her journey and nothing you do will help or hurt. I know that sounds harsh but ultimately it's true. Be kind to her but don't break your heart.

The saying they have here is the three C's.
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

You sound like you have a handle on this but it's nice to remind yourself now and again.

[Keyn]

Thank you, very succinct, and very, very useful. It will be easy to remember when I find myself getting frustrated, start to develop guilt feelings etc. I have had to deal with some guilt, because I knew something was weird with her over the last two years, but never truly confronted her.

The three C's really absolve me from being responsible for her situation. When I'm calm and together, I think I can be a better support for her. Thank you so much!