Sigh.

[DeliaMarie]

Hi all--

Just needed to write to some folks who might be able to relate to my situation. My mother is 76 and a serious alcoholic. She had been hiding it for years, and I only found out recently. Anyway, she tried to stop drinking in August w/out a doctor's care, and shortly thereafter (and after one of my sisters confronted her about the alcohol abuse) she stopped being able to have bowel movements. She was in the hospital for two weeks with her electrolytes all out of balance. She then had a paralytic ileus (paralyzed lower intestine) and collapsed colon. Finally they sent her home and she is complaining of pressure in her stomach, though the doctors can't do anything else for her. They seem to think some of these issues are psychological.

I'm...at such a loss. I spoke to her on the phone tonight and she was weezing (she's had two bouts of lung cancer). I don't know for sure if she's drinking again...she wouldn't tell me if she was. She just seems to have suddenly and completely fallen apart.

Yet all this seems to have come at such a convenient moment to distract everyone from her alcoholism...I don't know how much of her sickness has been created by the alcohol, how much is just old age...there's just so much that doesn't make any sense. I feel...terrible.

I just...don't know what to think, or what to do, or what not to do. I am also in early sobriety (54 days sober) and trying to commit to recovery. Just looking for some conversation with those who understand the misery and confusion of it all.

[firecallie]

I'm so sorry! Situation sounds similar to mine. No advice except take care of self and if possible get closure. Love her no matter what. Feel free to read my blog and posts not pleasant but my story

Good luck

[Kialua]

Hi, so sorry for what you are going through. You certainly have your hands full. Try reading through the forum here and especially firecallie's (above). You might get some good info. Take care of yourself.

[firecallie]

You can love her and hate the addiction at the same time. It wasn't really until after her death did I realize she really was helpless to stop it.

[dbh]

Dear DeliaMarie,

First of all, congratulations on 54 days sober! You are doing something that your mother was never able to do for herself.

My father was the alcoholic in my life. He started getting sick about four years ago. A lifetime of abusing his body seemed to finally catch up with him. His main problems were dementia and emphysema.

What initially help both of us a great deal was reaching out for help. Most states/counties have a Department for the Aging. I just started making phone calls and telling people his situation (and I was completely honest about his alcoholism). I found some social workers who were wonderful (some not so much) and they helped me navigate how to help him live out the remainder of his life safely.

During this time, it was very important that I took care of myself and my family. ACA meetings and regular appointment with my therapist helped me. I took on only as much as I could handle. Had to turn a lot of stuff over to my HP.

Hugs,

db

[GingerM]

54 days sober deserves a big huzzah!

There are so many things going on here that you may never know the "truth". Then again, in alcoholic families, it seems rare that we ever know the truth - it's always being bent to mean whatever the alcoholic needs it to mean at that moment in time.

My advice (take it or leave it) is to let the doctors worry about your mom. At 54 days, you're still fairly fresh. Focus on you. Focus on your recovery. Be "selfish" (it really isn't selfish, but it can be labeled such by people around you). Work your program (whatever that may be, I went cold turkey with no support but a will of steel - that was my program). Do what you can to take care of you. Get enough sleep. Eat. (You can worry about eating a decent diet later, for now, just make sure you eat at least 3 meals per day). Try, if possible, to take a bit of time to be alone with yourself.

You've made your decisions, one of which involved no longer drinking. Your mom made hers. You are not responsible for her decisions. You ARE responsible for yours. Your decision to quit drinking will impact far more people than you are aware. Do your best to not fail yourself. If you "fail" your mom, it will be because of decisions she has made, not because of you.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it, you can't cure it.