Bluegalangal

I am not sure if I can post links, so I am going to not post a link, but I read an article on brainpickings.org about Naomi Wolf's new book. The article is called "The Science of Stress, Orgasm and Creativity: How the Brain and the Vagina Conspire in Consciousness."

It was difficult to read - but there were several 'aha' moments for me, most particularly the part about the "elevated startle" response that is a result of trauma or stress. This was one of the things he used to get so angry at me about, the fact that I would startle so easily and jump when he sneaked up on me, and then he would get angry (really, really angry) at me for being startled.

'Wolf argues that... “bad stress” also affects the overall capacity for joy, hopefulness, and creativity.'

The article does talk about rape, so be warned, but for those of us in emotionally and sexually abusive relationships, some of it applies to us as well. At least it did for me.

SLady

Me too, all I want is 'peace of mind'. Unlike you, I did not pursue therapy or marriage counselling. Instead I spent the last 2 years (yes 2 years during which our business also failed) trying to find the truth about this woman, who claimed to be my husband's daughter, for my own peace of mind.

I managed to dig out a lot of information. As I suspected, she withold some extremely vital info. from my husband (lie by ommission) to make him believe what she told him. Her mother has issues and has several children by different fathers and she abandoned all her children.

With that, I was able to move on with a clear conscience knowing she is not my husband's daughter. Things at home did improved...my husband's acoa traits were in remission...I no longer pick up fights with him and slowly, things get back to normal.

My family back home found out that I was having a 'rough time' ( i have another problem with my husband's cousins but thats another story). Bless them, they tried to provide as much moral support as they can even though they live far away.

We are now trying to get a bolthole in my country of origin and I am consider returning to be close to my own family and long lost friends in the near future. Maybe there, I could eventually find that 'peace of mind' I am looking for....with my acoa husband.

I want to wish you the very best in your journey to find the peace and happiness you deserve. One year of counselling, I feel, is enough to determine whether there is any hope of change. Its not easy to leave I know with 4 children...maybe you can do it in small steps...finish study first, then try to get a job, see how that goes then try to get a accomodation, etc,

Did your parents know you are considering leaving your husband? I told my sisters what happened and it helps sharing my problems..I do not feel so alone...

I believe my husband harbours some kind of internal shame, does not want to discuss any past mistakes or failings that make him more shameful of himself, he pretend it never happened or he tried to blame everything on me. Complex emotions seemed to confuse him, he does not understand..so I buried the problem. Never discuss the issue anymore..My daughter is very good with my husband she know how and what to say to him to calm him down when he get stressed and over react.

wifeofanACoA

Yeah, my family is well aware of the situation and has been for a long time so I'm thankful for that outlet and support.

I have been up and down since I first stated that I would be leaving him in the New Year but I am thankful to say that I am bent on leaving him and have stayed in this mindset for the past... 2 weeks... without any doubts.

My husband knows that I want to leave from when I mentioned it a couple of months ago so he's been INCREDIBLY nice and patient for the past week. Yet, the same problem remains: He does not believe that there is anything wrong with his behaviour and he does not need help or counseling to aid in dealing with his past.

I just have FINALLY come to the place where I get that I can't do anything about this. I have two options and they are to stay and accept the person that he is or leave. I am finally choosing to leave this life because that IS something that I can control in my life.
I don't have to stay with this man anymore, I really don't.

This evening I was thinking about how I could really check to see if he's genuinely changed - it's the same little 'test' that brings out his true colours every time. All I would need to do is bring up something that I feel would need to be worked on with us and then comment on how we should go to counseling. But y'know what - I'm too scared to do that for 2 reasons. I am too scared to ask because I can just see his eyes narrowing and hear his voice changing. I can hear myself repeating the same thing again and again only to have it all end with 'why' I deserve the things that he does. It's the same thing again and again and again.
But the other reason why I am done broaching this subject and seeing if "this time just might be the time" is because I am done. I am truly done.

Being a Christian I want my marriage to work but it's not. And as others have mentioned I keep trying to have a healthy marriage (and healthy conversations) with an unhealthy individual. It doesn't work!
I could choose to stay forever but it is difficult to stay strong when you are slowly beaten down with words, situations, scenarios, whatever.

I am still planning on leaving in the New Year. I will finish up my schooling over the next few weeks and then I'll have to put my education on more or less hold for a bit while I get a job and work on custody of my children.

No one ever walks into a marriage saying, "Yay, I hope this ends in divorce." But the bottom line is - we don't always get out of life what we want. Sometimes things just can't or don't work out and you do the very best that you can.

I've tried. God knows I've tried. And I just hope that He forgives my leaving him but I just can't live like this anymore. I know that life can be so much better than this and I don't want to wake up one day when I'm 60 years old and think, "I should've left when I had the chance."
No regrets just the acceptance that I am who I am and I've done as much as "I" can do.

SLady

In my case, I wanted to leave my husband first week into my marriage!!!
I found out something about his past behaviour, had I known about it, I definitely would not have married him because it clashed so much with my core moral values. I was so young, so naive and so idealistic back then and truly believe that love conquers it all. Now I know better.

That is the reason why we were fighting so much about his past three years ago, I was wary of other 'skeletons in the cupboard' that he has not told me or deliberately withheld from me.

Like you, all I wanted is for my husband to say 'Im sorry for all the pain I put you through' or 'Im sorry for not being honest about myself before we were married'. I realised that will never happen but I found an article that explain why saying 'Im sorry' is so difficult to some people who have a 'fragile sense of self':-

Why Some People Refuse to Apologize | Psychology Today

I am not a Christian but I do believe in God and God knows what is really in our hearts. 'Forgive them for they did not know what they were doing', that one applies to me, it helps to let go of all anger, resentment (and hope for change) and enables me to 'move on'.

My husband saw this thread, I accidently leave it open on the computer. He did not say alot, except that I did not gave him enough credit and that I shared the responsibility of the breakdown of our business (I work full time and only helped him as and when I could!). Oh well, at least he now know how I feel.

Merry Xmas to you and your family. And best wishes for the New Year.

EveningRose

This strikes such a strong chord with me. It took longer, but about two years into our marriage, XH started to treat me very differently than he had in the months before marriage. I knew for years that had he shown that side of himself, I never would have married him.

When I finish the major project I'm working on right now, I'll start the annulment process, and I believe in part, I will be granted one because I married under clear deception on his part. (I've currently forgotten the actual phrase for it.)

tromboneliness

Make sure you check the tax consequences of an annulment first. It'll mean filing amended returns for the last 3 years, most likely. Just to make sure there aren't any surprises, I'd check with my tax preparer. (Sorry to go all tax-geek on you, but that's my job -- and I just finished my CPE for this year, so I'm in accounting mode :-D)

T

Bluegalangal

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am having trouble coming to terms with the betrayal and the lies, taking him at face value for too long and having trouble forgiving myself for being so stupid.

I was browsing through my library's selection of eBooks this weekend and just by chance I ran across a book I had not heard of in all my research. I'm on page 47 right now and I have definitely seen not only my husband in these pages but found explanations for why he acts that way and why *I* act that way. I am going to run it by my therapist too but for now it is somewhat validating. Disarming the Narcissist, by Wendy Behary.

wifeofanACoA

This will be one of my ending posts with the final one to likely come (hopefully) within the next 12 months.
I got a lawyer and we started the divorce process. It's just the beginning but at least I'm getting there. I just wanted to update. We are still in the same house but perhaps within the next few months we'll have separate living arrangements. To all the people and couples still trying - good job to you. To all the people who could not continue, just as I, you do what you need to do in order to live a healthy life. Hopefully we will be officially divorced this time next year. All the best to all.

CodeJob

Thank you for the update Wife of ACOA! I hope things work out for you.

Peace,

wifeofanACoA

Final post - we did get divorced. I was able to get financial support. Going before a judge was difficult since he had pages upon pages of what was wrong with me (according to him). I did my best, I know that. You can't change someone. I am dealing with all the new things that come from being divorced - financial burdens, aftermath of abuse, loneliness (at moments), and trying to figure out who I am again.
If you can make it with the person you're with then that is fantastic. If you can't - for one reason or another - that is perfectly acceptable too.

I made it through so much, I'm making it through even more and I would never go back. I'm thankful that I was able to break free of a very toxic relationship. And I don't ever have to be 'wifeofanacoa' anymore.

All the best to those of you I met on here and may this piece of 'lit' be helpful to someone out there.

SLady

Wifeofanacoa, I have not been visiting this website lately, so I have missed your post. I am sorry that your marriage ended in divorce but you are a strong person and I am confident you will survive this.

My daughter has ended a toxic relationship too. Her previous boyfriend, whom she met at high school, has this habit of drinking too much and becoming verbally abusive towards her. I used to get distraught over this because I can see that history is repeating itself with my daughter.

She has now met someone new, he is so nice and caring and treats her very well.

I am still the ‘wife of an acoa’, we managed to move on somehow. It helps that my husband told me a bit more about his past and the time when he attempted suicide. At that time, he had a number of stresses going on at the same time – depression, ill health, work struggles – the economy was in deep recession and toxic relationships.

He told me that the relationships he had before me, the women were dishonest. They played him with other men, and this is not just a ‘one off’ but more like a pattern in his past relationships.

Anyway, that’s all in the past now. We have been rather busy, we bought a second home in my country of origin. It costs us an arm and a leg but it turns out to be a very good investment.

My husband’s cousin attempts to draw my husband and daughter in, so that she can insinuate me through them, has so far failed. She is trying her best to provoke me, hoping that I lose my temper at her so that I will be perceived as this ‘unreasonable and crazy’ woman. I just let her ‘get on with it’ and completely ignore her.

Best wishes for the future and keep the children safe. Stay vigilant with your ex husband just in case he is the type who tries to get even with you and makes your life difficult.

Eauchiche

Still dealing with the aftermath of going "no contact" with my family of origin and their spouses. Congratulations to you all in gaining your emancipation.