JustAYak

I'm having a tough time with my "romantic" relationship. I feel like I can't be the person that she wants me to be, or that she really deserves. I can see that she's trying hard to make this work out, she's very very patient with me, knowing I have some limits that I'm working on extending... I've told her base knowledge about my fxcked up life, though it's a giant struggle for me to get out what I want to explain to her. I want to explain to her why I'm so closed off all the time, and when I did actually manage to get it out, she said she understood, but I don't think she actually does understand. I'm not sure she ever will understand, but can I be in a relationship where they don't get it?

I feel like every time I resign to my apartment, or withdraw from social outings with our friends that I'm hurting her feelings. I think she thinks that I just don't want to be with her, and that's not it at all. I just feel crowded, really easily, and I just reach this capacity throughout the week to handle attention. When she gets all touchy-feely with me, like always wanting to hold my hand, or cuddle, or whatever it may be, eventually I feel like just saying "ENOUGH ALREADY. I GET IT." It feels like an invasion of my physical space. She's affectionate, beyond what I have ever been used to and I cannot return that affection because I simply don't know how to go about it, and I KNOW she wants me to return this affection, and again, I feel like I'm hurting her feelings if I don't. It's not that I don't have it for her, I just can't express it and sometimes I can't stand receiving that much attention.

And comments she makes secretly annoy me, when they should flatter me. When she tells me things like "Don't go, stay here" when I leave for the night, I should be flattered that she doesn't want me to leave, right? Well when I hear that my first impression is that she is clingy and that she cannot take care of herself. I get the thought of "Why can't you handle being by yourself like I am/was all the time?" I never tell her this, we've never even fought before (it's a relatively new relationship - only a few months old), but I get so frustrated over things like this. Realistically I know that this should not bother me, she just wants to get to know me better, but it DOES bother me.

All this I'm sure is attributed to the fact that she grew up in a small town, where she knows pretty much everyone and was a very popular girl... I grew up in a large town and was a withdrawn kid or the kid who hung out with teh "bad crowd" due to all my issues at home and growing up in a toxic environment like I did. She is so used to having attention thrown at her, and she's not used to the lack of it that comes from me and I think she gets annoyed by it and that's why she's always all over me (or at least what I think is "all over me" which probably is normal to normal people). The problem is I get super annoyed when I'm in the spotlight constantly, I can't handle it. There seems to be no tolerable medium. I don't really want the relationship to end but I feel like that's where it's heading, one of us will get fed up eventually and just quit, like all my past relationships (more often than not, it's me that gets to be fed up first). I don't know what to do. Thanks for letting me vent.

cb12

I wish that I had something constructive to tell you, but I can identify with your thoughts on being with someone who may never "get it."

Impurrfect

(((Jay))) - you've been through an hellacious childhood. You've been traumatized. I don't know what to tell you to make it better, but I think it's just going to take time and learning to believe that you DO deserve to be adored.

You've had, practically, everyone in your life shut you out, let you down, abandon you. It's only natural that you are not comfortable with someone who actually wants to be with you.

Are you still going to counseling? I know it's not a sure fix, but I think it will definitely help, in the long run.

I wish I could make you see what an awesome guy you are, but I can't. That has to come from within us, and I have a problem seeing the good in myself.

If this relationship doesn't work, it's not because you're a failure, or not good enough. It's because you're still healing from all that you've been through.

You've made some awesome progress, and you will continue to do so. Have faith...I sure have faith in you!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

JustAYak

Thank you for the responses... I wish this board got more traffic.

Seren

Hi Jay,

Well, it's kind of hard to say whether you should be annoyed or not. What you are feeling....there is not right or wrong. How you act on those feelings, well that is something different. If you are not ready to be in an intimate, committed relationship then that's OK. Just be respectful of her and to her if you break up.

Any by intimacy, I mean just basic, emotional intimacy. I can only imagine that after all you have been through, you have a few trust issues.

Just keep working on being the best Jason you can be, and the rest will work itself out eventually!

Best,
HG

stacylove

Hiya Jason, I'm sorry to hear about your troubles, although from where I'm sitting, I think, he's lucky to have trouble like that. I wish I had someone that loved me that much. I must say though that when I do, I react the same way you do. I am not a touchy, feely person either. However unlike you, I am just too afraid to reach out for the person. I want to cuddle, I want to hold hands, I want someone to love me and put their arms. Why can't I do this? Is it something in our past that makes us this way? Can we turn it around? I wouldn't worry too much about it Jason, because you have a special someone that loves you, and I think if you sit down and talk to her about your feelings, she will understand.

Good Luck,
Stacy