Girlfriend of ACOA - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

onelife2011 · 01-25-2011, 01:18 PM

My BF is an ACOA. His mom recently relapsed. Here is some background before I begin. I love my boyfriend so much and I can never seem to get him to fully open up, he is hard to get close to. We have been together 9 months and have had to work at our relationship on the way. He can't seem to get close to me like he is close with Sisters, he is even more affectionate to his dog. The BF lives with one of his sister before he moved in with her he lived with his other sister. Early in the relationship the sister came on 90% of our dates and we never seemed to get alone time. If my bf had an issue with me, rather than open up with me, he would discuss in details with his sister and come back to me later and say I talked with Sara and Alison and they think blah blah blah about something in our relationship. He is so close with his sisters its like they are dating and I'm an outsider, not in an incest way mind you.

I met his sister who I will call Sara we drove 15 hours to see her, my bf pulled over and asked that I change out of my sweat pants because he didn't want me to meet his sister looking like I did. We were heading swimming btw. When I met Sara she told me that my bf, Jared, would never love anyone as much as he loved her. She constantly asks Jared for things that I have when we are together. I'm guessing Sara is jealous of how close I am getting with the BF. Jared explains that she never likes anyone he dates. Which brings me to the issue:

My bf and I were planning a drive (15 hr drive) to go see his sister and her kids whom he adores. The trip was planned and Sara called Jared and said I wasn't aloud to come because she didn't like me and she wanted brother and sister time to bond. I should mention Sara is 35 and the boyfriends is 30. He at first said that I was coming. Then Sara said I hate her she is evil (I'm not) and if you bring her I will make your vacation a living hell and I won't let you see the kids. Rather then Jared call her on her BS and tell her to grow up, he agreed an un invited me on my own vacation. I feel he should of stood up for me and tell her how great I am and to tell her she was being ridiculous. He said either way someone would get hurt, if I go on the vacation I would hurt his sister by cutting into her time with him. I feel I deserve better and asked him to reconsider. He didn't and I broke up with him. I miss him terribly and want to be with him, but he has a pattern of always putting me last and I didn't know what to do. No matter how hard I try I never seem to be good enough. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, any suggestions? I'm not sure he would come back, but just in case.

tromboneliness · 01-25-2011, 02:34 PM

You did the right thing.

I'm an ACOA -- but my wife comes first, well before my family of origin. After all, I chose her; I didn't choose the family, I was just born into it!

The attitudes you're describing are not the kind that change -- they just stay the same or get worse. I don't think ACOA issues have much to do with what you're describing. If you don't come first now, you won't come first later, either. The whole "blood is thicker than water" nonsense is what we want to get away from, not more enmeshed in!

T

onelife2011 · 01-25-2011, 03:18 PM

I started googling ACOA and it helped me to understand his behaviors. I guess I thought this might have something to do with it. His sisters raised him because his Mom was often passed out or at the bar and the Dad worked away from home for months at a time. He has attachment issues I think with his family. He lets that particular sister walk all over him because she constantly throws in his face that if it wasn't for her raising him he would be screwed. I'm not really sure though, I don't know much about ACOA. I know that he has some symptoms. Procrastination, need to please people, he accuses me of going to leave him often, he won't let out his feelings etc etc. He has a lot of emotional issues.

Anyway thank you for the advice you are probably right. It's just hard to give up on someone I love so much.

Thumper · 01-26-2011, 09:30 AM

You did the right thing. You do deserve better.

It is emotionally hard, but very very wise, to move on when someone has such different values. That is why we date, so we can figure all that out.

01-25-2011, 01:18 PM	#1 (permalink)
onelife2011 Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Tampa, Florida Posts: 2	Girlfriend of ACOA My BF is an ACOA. His mom recently relapsed. Here is some background before I begin. I love my boyfriend so much and I can never seem to get him to fully open up, he is hard to get close to. We have been together 9 months and have had to work at our relationship on the way. He can't seem to get close to me like he is close with Sisters, he is even more affectionate to his dog. The BF lives with one of his sister before he moved in with her he lived with his other sister. Early in the relationship the sister came on 90% of our dates and we never seemed to get alone time. If my bf had an issue with me, rather than open up with me, he would discuss in details with his sister and come back to me later and say I talked with Sara and Alison and they think blah blah blah about something in our relationship. He is so close with his sisters its like they are dating and I'm an outsider, not in an incest way mind you. I met his sister who I will call Sara we drove 15 hours to see her, my bf pulled over and asked that I change out of my sweat pants because he didn't want me to meet his sister looking like I did. We were heading swimming btw. When I met Sara she told me that my bf, Jared, would never love anyone as much as he loved her. She constantly asks Jared for things that I have when we are together. I'm guessing Sara is jealous of how close I am getting with the BF. Jared explains that she never likes anyone he dates. Which brings me to the issue: My bf and I were planning a drive (15 hr drive) to go see his sister and her kids whom he adores. The trip was planned and Sara called Jared and said I wasn't aloud to come because she didn't like me and she wanted brother and sister time to bond. I should mention Sara is 35 and the boyfriends is 30. He at first said that I was coming. Then Sara said I hate her she is evil (I'm not) and if you bring her I will make your vacation a living hell and I won't let you see the kids. Rather then Jared call her on her BS and tell her to grow up, he agreed an un invited me on my own vacation. I feel he should of stood up for me and tell her how great I am and to tell her she was being ridiculous. He said either way someone would get hurt, if I go on the vacation I would hurt his sister by cutting into her time with him. I feel I deserve better and asked him to reconsider. He didn't and I broke up with him. I miss him terribly and want to be with him, but he has a pattern of always putting me last and I didn't know what to do. No matter how hard I try I never seem to be good enough. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, any suggestions? I'm not sure he would come back, but just in case.

01-26-2011, 09:30 AM	#4 (permalink)
Thumper Member Join Date: Aug 2009 Posts: 2,624	You did the right thing. You do deserve better. It is emotionally hard, but very very wise, to move on when someone has such different values. That is why we date, so we can figure all that out. __________________ With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice. Oprah Winfrey Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you. Maori Proverb

01-25-2011, 02:34 PM	#2 (permalink)
tromboneliness Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Back East Posts: 464	You did the right thing. I'm an ACOA -- but my wife comes first, well before my family of origin. After all, I chose her; I didn't choose the family, I was just born into it! The attitudes you're describing are not the kind that change -- they just stay the same or get worse. I don't think ACOA issues have much to do with what you're describing. If you don't come first now, you won't come first later, either. The whole "blood is thicker than water" nonsense is what we want to get away from, not more enmeshed in! T

01-25-2011, 03:18 PM	#3 (permalink)
onelife2011 Member Join Date: Jan 2011 Location: Tampa, Florida Posts: 2	I started googling ACOA and it helped me to understand his behaviors. I guess I thought this might have something to do with it. His sisters raised him because his Mom was often passed out or at the bar and the Dad worked away from home for months at a time. He has attachment issues I think with his family. He lets that particular sister walk all over him because she constantly throws in his face that if it wasn't for her raising him he would be screwed. I'm not really sure though, I don't know much about ACOA. I know that he has some symptoms. Procrastination, need to please people, he accuses me of going to leave him often, he won't let out his feelings etc etc. He has a lot of emotional issues. Anyway thank you for the advice you are probably right. It's just hard to give up on someone I love so much.

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