Buzzybee

Hello,

I hope I'm in the right place with this! I'm 22, and my dad is an alcoholic. I just wanted to come on here for some support and advice really.

I still live at home as I'm in my third year of university, and the week before last, my mum and dad had a huge argument which was started by my dad trying to hide a can of beer in the middle of the day. Unfortunately, I suffer really badly with anxiety, so sometimes I can blow my worrying about dad's drinking completely out of proportion and this incident completely set me off. Since this day, I've been sleeping at my bfs house every night, and only going home when absolutely necessary (which is sadly too often, as I have animals and college work at home).

About a week ago, I was leaving the house and saw that my dad was drunk. When I went to say bye, I completely broke down and told him how I felt about his drinking - that it affects me badly, he needs help, it's causing problems etc. He got very upset and promised he'd stop. The main reasons my dad drinks, I think, is because he's alone a lot (my mum works a lot of nights) and he can't deal with his terrible childhood. He stopped for a few days, but I'm pretty sure he's drinking again and hiding it. I've asked him if he has drunk again, but he maintains he hasn't and makes me feel bad for accusing him - he blatantly lies and lies, when I'd appreciate the truth far more. He admitted when drunk that he has a problem, but now maintains that he doesn't and is completely resistant to getting help. He wants 'to do it alone'. He went to an AA meeting years ago and said it wasn't for him.

I've got to the stage where I can't stand to be at home. I'm so worried about if he's drinking or not or if my mum and dad will argue. The thing is, though, I am absolutely terrified of moving out. My dad's drinking is far worse when he's alone, and I'm worried that if I leave home he will get worse. I'm also scared that my mum will think my dad has driven me out and it'll make things bad between them. My mum leaving my dad is my worst fear - I think if my dad is alone he will drink himself to death, as he has nothing but my family. I worry about my dad a lot, and I think that if I move out I won't be able to stop thinking about him being home alone and drinking. I have a bizarre sense of responsibility for him, and can't bear to think of him alone!

I've thought about going to al-anon, but I really don't think group support is for me. My anxiety means that I find it incredibly difficult to talk or think about things in a rational way, and I think I would break down in a group situation.

I know this is a long and rambling message, and I hope it is ok and makes sense, as my head is so fuzzy at the moment! Thank you in advance for reading.

dothi

Hi Buzzybee,

Am I looking into a mirror? Ho-boy do I hear what you're going through, and how much stress in constantly weighing on your mind, even when you're away at university. You want to get away because you can't bear the constant stress and tension at home, but when you do escape you spend that time thinking about what must be going on at home.

You go to your bf's house. I went to my best friend's house. Her mom was sympathetic about giving me a place to stay when I couldn't handle the tension with my parents. Boy did I need that escape.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... The main reasons my dad drinks, I think, is because he's alone a lot (my mum works a lot of nights) and he can't deal with his terrible childhood...

Ditto. These were my dad's reasons to a tee. He has always complained about how terribly lonely he is, even though he does have a family sitting right in front of him that he could have healthy, supportive relationships with. And IN SPITE of how rocky his marriage is, there are good times when he has leaned on mom for support. My AF also had a terrible childhood, and it was indeed terrible... BUT so do many other people. And I've known many other people who've endured it without unloading it onto their kids.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... makes me feel bad for accusing him - he blatantly lies and lies, when I'd appreciate the truth far more. He admitted when drunk that he has a problem, but now maintains that he doesn't and is completely resistant to getting help. He wants 'to do it alone'.

This is a terrible quality of many alcoholics: when the alcoholic says anything, even contradicts himself, to avoid taking action (and responsibility) for his alcoholism. Buzzybee, it's not because you aren't important enough to listen to, but because your dad is addicted to alcohol. And this is what addicts do - they lie to their family to keep doing indulging in their addiction. Everything your dad has lied about has been to keep drinking. That's a sign that he has a problem - not you. So why do you have to feel bad about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... I've got to the stage where I can't stand to be at home. ... The thing is, though, I am absolutely terrified of moving out. My dad's drinking is far worse when he's alone, and I'm worried that if I leave home he will get worse.

You're not alone in having this fear. Everyone on this board knows this fear - feeling 100% completely responsible for the outcome of another person's decisions and behavior, and accountable for it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... I'm also scared that my mum will think my dad has driven me out and it'll make things bad between them.

Buzzybee, things are already bad between them. Look at your parents' marriage - is either one of them happy? Thriving? Feeling blessed to have the company of their spouse? It sounds like there are a lot of secrets or things never said in your family. It sounds like there's a lot of mixed messages too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... My mum leaving my dad is my worst fear - I think if my dad is alone he will drink himself to death, as he has nothing but my family. I worry about my dad a lot, and I think that if I move out I won't be able to stop thinking about him being home alone and drinking. I have a bizarre sense of responsibility for him, and can't bear to think of him alone!

There is one thing we already know about people that we need to learn about alcoholics: you are cannot be be responsible for the actions and decisions of another adult human being. I'm sure this feels counterintuitive, but it's true. Because the decisions of adults are their own, that means we didn't cause their decisions/behavior, we are not in control of their decisions/behavior, and we can't cure their decisions/behavior. Take these in stride.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buzzybee

... I've thought about going to al-anon, but I really don't think group support is for me. My anxiety means that I find it incredibly difficult to talk or think about things in a rational way, and I think I would break down in a group situation.

If you don't feel ready for group therapy, then don't go. But do consider individual therapy, and perhaps working your way up later on. Something we ACOAs tend to do is try and solve everything at once - either group therapy and learn to talk naturally when put on the spot, or FAILURE. We throw things into black&white, when really there's a range of grey we can work on.

And it doesn't matter if it takes a year or two to get through 10% grey. If you think about it, you've got the rest of your life anyway. (Bonus: you may even discover you don't even need to get all the way to black, lightening your load even further.)

I hear where you're coming from, Buzzybee, and believe when I say, although it feels like you're stuck where you're at right now, it's possible to find options and stronger ways of handling the stress. It's possible to start living without the stress. But it takes new tools (instead of the old ones for coping behavior we learned at home) and time to learn how to use those new tools. Stick around - you will find many experienced folks here with new tools to recommended and advice on how to use them.

P.S. Your intense anxiety is not unique. I was once much, much worse for how tongue-tied and anxious I felt around groups. I made friends with other group-avoiders like me. I could barely lift my head when speaking in front of a group. Being close to my family did not help. I didn't live at home with them, but an hour away at my university. I was frequently called home on weekend to mitigate another fight or somehow magically "bring stability" to the situation. Often I seemed to have this effect, and everyone behaved again... but nothing ever got resolved, and when I left, it was only a matter of time until the next crises when I needed to be at home again.

It's been a few years since those days for me. And when I was about your age, I started a couple years of individual therapy. Now I am much calmer, much more self-assurred, and able to speak in front of large groups of people on a nearly daily basis (for my job). I'm not 100% comfortable, but I am able to cope comfortably most of the time. Progress, not perfection.

Buzzybee

Dothi, thank you so much for your reply. It means a lot to me to know that I'm not alone in a lot of the feelings that I'm having.

I've been trying to tell myself that there is nothing I can do to make my dad stop drinking. He's seen the effect it has on me and knows how I feel, so if he chooses to continue drinking, there is nothing more I could have done. It is hard, though, to try and separate myself from it, and I always feel a wrench of guilt when I leave him home alone to go out. I think my being at home has very little effect though, and if he want to drink, he'll find a way.

I just wish he would be honest about it all. It's the lies that put me on edge, as I'm always watching and waiting for him to slip up. It's so frustrating, and saddening, because my dad is a great person when sober, and him and my mum have a lovely time together when he is my normal dad.

Once again, thank you for your words of encouragement, they mean a lot

KeepGoing

I think this is a good thing to realise Buzzybee.

I felt a lot of responsibility towards my alcoholic mother with the feelings that if I acted a certain way it would make her drink when really, a) she was going to drink anyway and b) the reasons I made certain decision were because of her drinking.

I hope you find the support you need here.