Terminally ill stepdad - Mum is drinking to cope

[bumblebee29]

Hi all,

I'm 29 and for the last 10 years have been living away from home (uni, working, travelling the world).

I moved home a year ago (small town!) after coming back from my travels (cheap rent!) and got a job here. I always intended it to be a stop gap until I could find new post in a bigger city and live my life again.

About 5 months ago, my stepdad was diagnosed with brain cancer. We get on well, and obviously I'm upset, but he is the LOVE of my Mum's life. Her soul mate.

My job finished in July (temp contract) and I had always planned to move away as soon as possible, but that was all put on hold when my stepdad was diagnosed. He was told 1-2 months but he is still with us and doing ok for now

Anyway.

My Mum drinks in the evenings. She says it's just one, to help her sleep better (which makes sense to me out of the context of alcoholism).

But 5 days ago she asked me to pick her up a bottle of vodka from the supermarket, which I did. (she can't leave the house right now unless I stay in with my stepdad). But tonight I found the one I bought on Monday, empty, plus ANOTHER newer one which she must have bought from the local shop (without me knowing) and that was 3/4 gone too.

She's really little, only 5 foot and small build.

She's obviously tried to hide the empty bottle and the new one as they were both stashed hidden in the back of the cupboard. I only found them cos I was specifically looking.

She always tries not to drink in front of me, which sets alarm bells off. I went to bed earlier and she was fine, but I couldn't sleep so an hour later came back down and as soon as I looked at her I was like "Have you been drinking vodka?". She was all like "Yes, SO WHAT?" and gets really defensive and snippy.

She isn't abusive to me, she isn't verbally or physically aggressive, but I HATE seeing her drunk, she has that vacant, defensive look.

My friends say I should chill out, she needs to drink cos her husband is dying.

I say this is NO WAY to cope and things will get much worse when he has gone.

I am miserable here at home, I don't know ANYONE (seriously!) to go out with, all my friends live miles away. My life is on hold whilst my stepdad is dying. I can handle that, as I love my Mum. But today we spoke and she said that if I find a new job, I should take it, if it's only an hour/2 hours away, I can always drive back in the case of emergency. She also said that we don't know how long he has, he isn't showing signs of going downhill right now, and what if he's here for another 3 years? I can't put my life on hold for 3 years, there are no jobs around here (I'm a lecturer of a not very common college subject).

But I can't leave her whilst she is drinking, can I?

She has nobody else...she's let all her friends fall by the wayside over the years as she only ever wanted to spend time with my stepdad.

She says she doesn't have a problem, I think she's wrong.

And I know it will only get worse as my stepdad gets sicker and eventually leaves us. And I know I'm being selfish...but the drinking scares me. I don't like who she becomes - bitter, cynical, emotional etc etc etc. And all the burden is on me as she has nobody else to talk to.

But who do I talk to?

Sorry for the long post, thanks if you read this far xxx

[Wascally Wabbit]

My mom started drinking after my dad died to cope with life. It ruined our family.
I only hope you will RUN to an alanon meeting as soon as you can. If I had known about alanon way back then, I would not have had all the troubles I had. I would have had tools to deal with everything.

[DesertEyes]

Hello there bumblebee, and pleased to "meet" you.

I think you're right, there are many ways of dealing with the extreme grief of losing your spouse that are _not_ self-destructive. I don't think you're being selfish at all, I think you are very observant and you are afraid for her health and her life. That is not selfish, that is very loving.

As to who _you_ can talk to? I agree with Wabbit, al-anon are the experts on dealing with a parent who is actively drinking. You can find out a lot of information on the subject right "next door" in the friends and family forum.

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

check them out and let us know what you think.

Mike

[Mandjas]

Hello bumblebee and welcome. I hope you find this site as supporting as I have over the last 6 weeks. I am sorry to hear about your father and the coping mechanism that your mom is using to deal with it.

I too returned home after being away for many years and I found that my mom had been drinking for the last 10 years, same as yours - vodka was the alcohol of choice and she never drank in front of anyone! Just smelt of it and was either quite bitter, over emotional, hyperactive etc etc as you describe.

I have lived with this for the last 18 months, tried to stop her, help her, save her and probably to the detriment of my own sanity and happiness. When it's your mom you have the overwhelming desire to be there for them I know this only too well.

You have the right to a career, to live your life and to be happy. If I had my time again I wouldn't have tried not to let it consume my life as much as I allowed it to in the past and ala-non has helped me to see this - so I would strongly recommend you seek out a local meeting.

You have made the first step

Keep posting here to it REALLY helps,

[Mandjas]

Originally Posted by Mandjas

You have the right to a career, to live your life and to be happy. If I had my time again I wouldn't have tried not to let it consume my life as much as I allowed it to in the past and ala-non has helped me to see this - so I would strongly recommend you seek out a local meeting.

You have made the first step

Keep posting here to it REALLY helps,

Sorry I meant "would"