Both of my parents are addicts...

[nilotic7]

I am new to the forum, so hello everyone. I'm a 25 yr old female born and raised in Pittsburgh, PA. When I was 19 years old my father confessed his cocaine addiction to me and entered recovery -- he's still clean today and very active in the healing community.
Last June, I found out that my mother was a severe alcoholic after she had a withdrawal induced seizure while on vacation in California and was hospitalized and entered a 2 week inpatient program. Today, she called me from the hospital as she is entering detox again after a relapse. I feel so powerless and broken and thought sharing my story or talking to others might help. My parents divorced when I was nine and now my half-sister is eight years old and having to deal with a rough home life just like I did and I am so mad at my mom for this, but I know she is sick and needs to get help. I keep having thoughts about what if my step-father divorces her and she tries to live with me? Because I can't handle that, I think it would ruin the relationship I have with my boyfriend of 4 years. And I keep thinking that if she can't get control she will end up killing herself with this...

Sorry for the rambling, I just feel lost and am not sure what really to say...thanks for listening.

[GingerM]

You are not your mother's keeper. She is an adult (legally at least), and you have every right, as an adult yourself, to say "I'm sorry mom, I can't let you stay with us."

The first rule of rescue (as in firefighters and river rescue people) is "do not put the rescuer at risk." The reason for this rule is that if the rescuer gets in trouble, then there are two people to rescue, not just one.

Do not put yourself at risk. It sounds like your mom needs rescuing. While I doubt that anyone can rescue her from herself, the absolute worst thing you could do is put yourself in a situation to also need rescuing.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But take care of yourself first and foremost - you are not your mother's parent, she has options and she can choose to do with her life what she will (and she WILL choose those things, no matter what you do).

As for feeling lost (and sad), that's to be expected. You had hopes that things would turn out differently than they did, and anytime we hope something will go one way and it goes a different way, we often find ourselves disappointed (sometimes even when the "other way" turns out to be better). Can you allow yourself to be sad in a non-judgmental way? Can you give yourself permission to feel lost? If you can't, I will - I hereby give you permission to feel lost and hurt and disappointed and downcast - for a while. I then give you permission to take care of yourself first and to not put yourself in "danger". And lastly, I give you permission to move on with your life, even when others are stuck in one spot that they can't move past.

Sometimes having someone else give permission is easier than giving it to yourself.

[tromboneliness]

Originally Posted by nilotic7

I keep having thoughts about what if my step-father divorces her and she tries to live with me? Because I can't handle that, I think it would ruin the relationship I have with my boyfriend of 4 years. And I keep thinking that if she can't get control she will end up killing herself with this...

Just to add a cliche/homilys\/slogan, "don't bleed 'til you're shot."

It's easy to get the brain spins and worry about these scenarios, but it doesn't help you feel better. GingerM is right that you'd have every right to say, "No, you're not moving in with me" -- and having her move in would probably be bad for all concerned, in any case. But what I'm getting at is that worrying about things that may not (or probably won't) even happen... isn't healthy.

Drunks lie, manipulate, prevaricate, and do whatever they have to do to avoid having to change their behavior. It's frustrating, but it just gets back to Step 1: We're powerless over other people's drinking/behavior/etc.

T

[nilotic7]

Thank you for your posts...I have been repeating the three c's to myself many times a day since I learned them and have been doing a lot of reading on this site...
my mom got out of detox yesterday and i talked to her today -- she had hope today and just figured out that she has a chemical imbalance from her pcp. she sounded so excited/relieved that this was the problem and sounds gung-ho to try and tackle it -- but actions will speak louder than words. my stepfater is still so angry at her and it will take time to heal/rebuild trust if possible. i have sent him the link to this site so that hopefully he can find it and start to heal as well.
i told my mom i am not mad at her and love her unconditionally and told her what i am doing to learn and help myself but that only she can help her. only time will tell...

[nilotic7]

also, Ginger -- your giving me permission literally made me cry. i never thought hearing something so simple could make me feel so good. everytime the past few days i've felt sad or depressed i remember that i have permission to feel, for now at least, and it seems that the bouts of sadness are slowly getting farther apart -- thank you again for the hope you've extended to me