I'm slipping into 'what have I done' thoughts

[Mandjas]

I have found my thoughts today drifting to what good my mom has done. She adores my son, has pictures of him everyhwere, talks about him all the time, reads him stories, sits and watches his favourite movies with him, does sticker comics with him every week, cooks for him, washes is clothes, cleans up after him, he slept in her bed and they held hands until he went to sleep. And so on and so on. I am starting to pine for her and the good bits. Was she really that bad? Have I over reacted?

I have to stop doubting my actions, boundaries and decisions but it's really hard.

I have read a couple of other messages about grieving tonight - maybe that's it I don't know but I do feel insecure and unsure

PS. This is week 3 of no contact and my son has not once asked for his nannie or grandad, which my husband and I find a bit weird. They used to pick him up from school twice a week and he would see them 1 day over the weekend most of the time????

[dothi]

Just my two cents, but maybe your son doesn't miss the fighting that came with them.

[Iwanttoheal]

I understand you're feeling insecure and unsure - you have changed your pattern of interacting with your parents. Possibly for the first time in your life you are taking charge and stating "how" it is going to be moving forward. These are big, scary steps.

It took me a long, long time to get to that point - I was 44. To me, that is an indication of how deep the dysfunction in my family of origin ran.

These feelings will pass, they will ease, give it time.

Trust your instincts - you came to make your decision over a period of time, you didn't just make a snap decision one morning. Your son appears to be confirming that your actions were the correct ones.

Maybe try a positive and negative list - to balance your list of positives, on the other side you can add parents arguing in front of your son, mother driving drunk with your son in the car, and so on.

Take care and look after yourself, IWThxxx

[Mandjas]

I am 39, so not far behind you in terms of how long this has been going on for. Although I didn't grow up with her alcoholism, it was my 1st stepdad that was a heavy drinker from ages 3ish to 10ish, she was codie then, since then anorexic, bullimic, addicted to slimming tab and speed and then last 10 years alcoholic. It's weird although I didn't grow up with it, the traits and behaviours have definately been there.

Thank you for your kind words, I know you are struggling yourself tonight x

[tromboneliness]

Originally Posted by Mandjas

I have found my thoughts today drifting to what good my mom has done. She adores my son, has pictures of him everyhwere, talks about him all the time, reads him stories, sits and watches his favourite movies with him, does sticker comics with him every week, cooks for him, washes is clothes, cleans up after him, he slept in her bed and they held hands until he went to sleep. And so on and so on. I am starting to pine for her and the good bits. Was she really that bad? Have I over reacted?

You're doing it right. The recriminations you're starting to feel are not unusual. But I'd look at it this way: if your mom "wasn't really that bad," then she should have no trouble sucking it up and showing up sober, if she wants to see her grandson. Why is that such a big deal? If she can't do it, she's got a problem that needs to be looked at.

Stick to your boundaries -- you'll feel better!

T

[reverse]

Originally Posted by Mandjas

I have found my thoughts today drifting to what good my mom has done. She adores my son, has pictures of him everyhwere, talks about him all the time, reads him stories, sits and watches his favourite movies with him, does sticker comics with him every week, cooks for him, washes is clothes, cleans up after him, he slept in her bed and they held hands until he went to sleep. And so on and so on. I am starting to pine for her and the good bits. Was she really that bad? Have I over reacted?

I have to stop doubting my actions, boundaries and decisions but it's really hard.

I have read a couple of other messages about grieving tonight - maybe that's it I don't know but I do feel insecure and unsure

PS. This is week 3 of no contact and my son has not once asked for his nannie or grandad, which my husband and I find a bit weird. They used to pick him up from school twice a week and he would see them 1 day over the weekend most of the time????

The good things that she has done do not erase the bad. Not only that, but she is not concerned about how the "bad" impacts others...including your son. What are all of those good things worth at the end of the day when she doesn't respect your wishes for safety, sanity, and love within the context of screaming and driving while intoxicated?

Just a thought.

[Mandjas]

Thanks guys, that's what I just love about this site - you can rely on people to tell you how it is! And boy do I need that sometimes.

The last few weeks have been like an emotional rollercoaster and looking back some of those feelings and thoughts now seem a little irrational. I am still no contact with my mother (4th week) and my dad reckons she is doing really well with not drinking but she still refuses to get help as she thinks she can turn it off whenever she wants.

For the first time in this process I am now starting to REALLY believe that it's not my problem, she can drink or she cannot. As long as she doesn't when she is around my son then I don't have to be obsessed by what she is up to all the time.

I generally post on here when I am confused, upset, angry, lonely or just plain emotional. Today I am content, happy, calm and feel positive about life - just wanted to spread some joy and give thanks to you all that have guided my through the period of insanity

I may well need it again in the coming weeks but for today I am good xx