Afraid of anger; trying to avoid people getting angry at me

[hiding]

Originally Posted by GiveLove

Oh yeah, you bet. I found my lack of eye contact (both listening and speaking) one of the things that dragged on the longest....it was so automatic, half the time I wasn't even aware I was doing it.

I started noticing it when I came back to work. I can look clients in the eye once I'm on a roll and talking about what I know though. I think it's because I know and love law and I'm totally focused on helping the client so I'm in my comfort zone, whereas when I talk about myself or put forward new ideas to bosses I'm definitely not. I don't feel like I'll be rejected by the clients. It probably comes down to who the authority figures are.

Originally Posted by GiveLove

That's what I mean about counseling, and finding the right person: I keep a journal, write in it regularly though not all the time. It once came up in my scribblings that I was feeling really small and weak because I never made eye contact with people. So I walked into my counselor's office one day and said, "How do I fix this? What are some small, graduated steps I can take to teach myself a new behavior?" That's what a good counselor will give you: Homework

I've never needed a journal thanks to a photographic memory combined with a huge amount of self-analysis! Other than that, that's exactly what I'm thinking about counselling. Saying 'these are the things I've already spotted. How do I learn new behaviour and let go of the old ways of thinking?'

Originally Posted by GiveLove

I STILL find myself doing it from time to time, and I just have to shrug it off and try harder next time to work the steps again. We are all just works in progress, hiding

But that's the difference between us and our alcoholic parents. We try to learn and change and believe that it will bring us a better future. They've just given up. You'll get there and so will I and when we do we won't stagnate because we know that life is all about changing for the better.

[bragi]

Originally Posted by hiding

Does anyone else have any experience of this?

hiding,

I also experience strong physical reactions to confrontation. I go into full fight-or-flight mode, heart pounding extremely hard (adrenaline, I'm guessing), etc. My reaction to someone else's criticism or anger will either be to tear into them to the utmost, or to completely give in. Rarely is there an in-between.

I really don't like fighting with people. I just had to confront our landlord about something last night, and it didn't go well, and it tore up my entire evening and part of today.

I'm not totally sure why this happens; but I can relate.

[bragi]

Originally Posted by GiveLove

It also helped me a lot to finally express my anger with the people in my life who deserved it.

I agree with that; I rarely feel as clearheaded and strong as when I finally told my AM what she was doing to everyone around her, and how angry I was about it, and what would happen if she didn't stop.

[bragi]

Originally Posted by hiding

By the way, do you find you can look people in the eye when they're speaking to you but you can't look them in the eye when you're talking?

Ha! I totally do that! Not all the time, and not usually with my fiancee, but I'm certainly guilty of that.