crystalprincess

Hello Everyone. I am new to this site so thought I would take a moment to introduce myself.

I am 30 years old and have just discovered (or more possibly, openly admitted) that i have some serious issues that stem from my father's alcoholism. I left at an early age and have taken care of myself most of my life. I prided myself on being a strong, independent woman who didnt need anyone else financially or for security. I have always had a "Plan B" which entails myself and my career and traveling, not marriage and kids. I knew I could not depend on that therefore did not set myself up for disappointment.

This year something changed. I finally attracted a normal (non-dysfunctional) man into my life. My old tactics and attitude and way of (not)dealing with emotion didnt work anymore. It has nearly caused me to lose the relationship. In the past when relationships failed I could blame it on the other person for being abusive or unloyal, etc. This time I need to take a long, hard look at myself. I want to be affectionate and express my feelings and now is the time. But I don't know how.

It's startling to be 30 years old now and just learning all these things about myself. I'm not angry at my father but I do know the power that individuals hold as parents now. I thought that I got away without harm. Wrong.

I look forward to meeting you all on here and glad to see there are other people willing to speak out that are going through the same kind of situations.

dothi

Hey crystalprincess, welcome to the board! And congratulations on letting someone into your life! It sounds like you've spent a lot of time pretty much flying solo. I can just imagine the shock of dealing with someone who's both capable and worthy of sitting up there with you

Re-learning how to express affection comes in little steps. And I say re-learn because after years of survival mode, you've probably already got some strong "survival" (a.k.a. emotional barricading) habits that have worked for you so far. But that doesn't mean you're not capable of "proper" affection.

You might want to check out Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages - he's got a neat 30-second assessment on his webpage. It might help you learn how you express love. It can be very frustrating if you know you're trying but your partner says he's not feeling it simply because he isn't recognizing it. It might also be reassuring in knowing that expressing love isn't only about buying flowers and writing lovenotes either. Conversely, it will help you understand what your partner is interpretting as love, and you can learn to compromise or find middle ground.

It sounds like you've got a real challenge on your hands, and like any new challenge, it may take a while to get it figured out. Be patient with yourself and communicate with this new guy. If you don't know what to say or do in a certain situation, TELL him that. It may require you stepping out of your comfort zone, but see that as a reflection of your courage - not a weakness. This isn't easy for you, so the little things you learn right are tremendous accomplishments. He should be able to understand that, and thus recognize where your efforts are coming through. This sounds like it'll be a very exciting time in your life! Best of luck!

Rancorous

I myself am currently working on a guy I like, not sure whether everything will pan out, but i'm having the same type of issues (mostly trying to keep conversations going at this point) and my advice is I suppose to try to communicate as best as you can without overwhelming him with stories so you don't scare him. You seem like a very capable person, i'm sure you'll do just fine, learning as you go along. I'm happy for you.