New to acoa forum, old problems

Old 09-24-2008, 06:37 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Thread Starter
 
guiab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
New to acoa forum, old problems

Hail and hello,
I just joined tonight. The circumstances that lead me to this forum should paint an adequate picture of this 'seeker', this me.
A search in google for 'paranoid' and 'alcoholic' brought soberrecovery.com up on the first page. I am not alcoholic, but both my parents were (both are now gone and hopefully at peace). I have been trying for years to get over the guilt and distrust, sometime it feels like paranoia, that keeps me from enjoying my life and makes me function like a constantly stalling car. Always and every day I have this instinctive need to question every move, to think constantly what bad things others are thinking about me, to be wary of every step. And the worst part is that it really makes me self-centered. Is there a navel-gazing emoticon-smiley out there?
Years of therapy and meds (anxiety, depression, add) have not done much. No, my current therapist and add meds may have lead me to see how much I am focusing on paranoid thoughts and wasting the chance to enjoy others and to CARE for others, and thus I am posting here and now. Going on 46 years with this (b-day next week).
I really like teaching and have been teaching for several years. The paranoia, the distrust is getting between me and students, and everyone else. Yes, single too - longest relationship = 1 year.
Wow, that was quite the ranting whine. I am really looking forward to the fall and winter, and snowshoeing! And all these posts are great (been lurking for a week).
Thank you!
guiab is offline  
Old 09-24-2008, 07:26 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Glad you're here with us, grewup. There's a good community here, and all kinds of different experiences and angles on growing up with alcoholism. I LOVE teachers!!

Can you picture what your life would look like without your mistrust? What your DAY would look like, how it would be different? Sometimes (in my case anyway) all the help in the world wasn't helping me because I couldn't visualize a life without my anger, fear, and suspicions. How would I sound? How would I react to telemarketers, the coffee shop guy, the mailman? How would it look when I met someone I liked?

I really believe that if we can't picture where we want to be, it's hard as heck to get there.

I also had the problem of not realizing that my traits (above) were such an deeply-embedded part of my character that I subconsciously felt -- no, I KNEW -- that I would not survive without them. The world would come in and hurt me, take advantage of me, and I'd end up a victim again.

I was my issues, and they were me. I had to work hard to throw that identity away (scared me. to. death. ) and build myself a new one, brick by brick, that was courageous, smart, and strong enough to withstand anything the world threw at me.

And when you feel strong enough, there is no longer any need for paranoia. Because short of some unlikely crime against my person, there is nothing that can hurt me.

That's my journey, anyway. I still have a long way to go, but with the help of a good counselor experienced with ACoA, the awesome people here, my spiritual life, Martha Beck, a new-found exercise habit (I snowshoe too!), fresh air, light, and friends, I think I have a better than average chance of coming out of this alive.

Come on along, grewup. It's just all about taking the next right step. Then another, then another. What's that they say? "Left. Right. Repeat"

:ghug3
GiveLove is offline  
Old 09-25-2008, 04:11 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Thread Starter
 
guiab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Givelove,
That really is the crux of the problem, to give up on not just old habits, but parts of our personality. The fear and anxiety seem to come out of nowhere, and come out constantly and persistently. Part of therapy is finally seeing habits in oneself that are so ingrained as to be part of the air we breath. I look back and the fear is part of almost every memory, but I have only really just realized that it is part of every memory. It is like someone turned on a light and one looks around and suddenly realizes that there are doors you can walk through, and one's footsteps have been going in circles for years.
It is easier to turn the light off. To make progress the light has to stay on, glare and all.
It is great, no really it is wicked (there's that New England lingo) awesome that you have seen some progress, and that you have helped others like me. Let me just, san emoticon/smiley, give a hug back to say thanks and hope your day goes good. ****{Givelove}}}}
Left, Right, Left, Right.......
guiab is offline  
Old 09-25-2008, 06:54 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I could not have said that better, grewup.

Is there one small victory you could orchestrate for yourself? I'm a big believer now in giving myself small opportunities to do daily things differently and better, as proof that I DO have control over my emotional choices. I like logging those experiences in a "Proof journal" (part of my issue too is that I can't see how far I've come, so despair sets in sometimes).

It comes from something a coach out there espouses, "doing one thing differently" -- choosing one small action that we can change for the better, then practice until it becomes habit. Then try another. I found that mentality more helpful than years of theoretical counseling. It was action that made a difference for me, not more thinking.

Wishing you a great day!!
GiveLove is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:41 PM.