My mother died

Old 09-13-2008, 08:11 AM
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My mother died

Hello -- I'm new here. This is bound to be a long post, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest, and am hoping someone in this community has experienced something similar and can offer some insights or even just support.

It has been nearly a year and a half since my mom passed away due to complications from alcoholism. She died alone in her apartment, and nobody knew for five days. She was discovered on the floor in her kitchen by the apartment manager, who suspected something was wrong when she failed to pay rent. Three empty bottles of vodka were in the kitchen sink, her bathroom sink was filled with Alkaseltzer, and--I apologize for this detail--blood was on the floor in her room, as well as on the phone, which was still on the hook.

The hardest thing I've ever had to do was help my grandparents retrieve her things the next week: quilts, yearbooks, pictures. She didn't have much. It surprised me that she subscribed to the newspaper, had a box of stenciling supplies on the table, and still used makeup. Pictures of my sister and I hung on her wall. These things seemed too normal for a person who appeared barely functional, who had stolen my mother from me and replaced her compassionate, charismatic personality with a childish, destructive, and completely unrecognizable new one.

I have been in counseling on and off ever since, and finally recognizing that I was deeply depressed, began taking a mood stablizer. It has helped tremendously. Often, I can look at what happened from a logical perspective; We did all we could to help her but she ultimately didn't want to, or was too far gone to help herself. My grandparents spent tons of money on rehab, saved her from various financial disasters, bailed her out of jail, and payed her rent when she lost another job. I tried pleading with her to get help, yelling at her, and setting limits such as refusing to communicate when she broke sobriety. But other times I feel terrible for what happened, and I don't know that it's necessarily guilt, but imaging what her life was like, and what those last few hours were like, continues to haunt me.

After I went college, my sister--who is five years younger--started to notice things. When she was off work (she was a nurse), she would sit in her room and drink during the day. She stopped caring about her appearance, and she would often fly into angry fits and do mean-spirited things like refuse to give my sister money for lunch, or demand that she buy her own toilet paper. That's when I think her alcoholism really began escalating, but she had obviously been a functional alcoholic for as long as I can remember. When I was younger, I remember finding vodka bottles stashed behind towels in the closets, violent fights between her and my stepfather, and impulsive decisions to move from one place to another, and one man to another (all five of her husbands had drinking problems).

I don't want to give the impression that she was a terrible mother all around, though, or that she was trashy. She could be great. She essentially raised my sister and I by herself, and tried to give us a happy life, but I think immaturity got in the way. She would fly into a rage on minute, then make up for it by doing something nice. I loved spending time with her when I was younger: on trips, she would sing in the car, we'd stop off at our favorite restaurant to get chips and salsa for the drive, and she could be so upbeat and fun. She was also beautiful until alcohol completely took over. She might have been the naturally prettiest woman I've ever seen, with flawless, olive skin, dark hair, athletic frame, and this breathless way of speaking that I've never heard from anyone else. Everybody loved her; my friends were jealous, and people just gravitated her direction.

But when the alcohol took over after my sister left for college (she graduated a semester early in order to move away from her). My mother's assisted living business also failed after her business partner fled, and a married man she had been having an affair with cut things off. She became out of control, bouncing from job to job, from renting a beautiful house to living with my grandparents to living in a trailer house. She took up with a string of raging alcoholic men, who encouraged her habit. She lied constantly, and talked of suicide--once to me, and several times to my grandmother. But sometimes, she would call and she was sober and I had a mom again. It was just for a short time, though. Whenever I was in town and planned to meet her, she would inevitably show up drunk. Every single time she let me down. She told my grandmother after one incident that she thought I was ashamed of her.

The last time I saw her, I brought my boyfriend--who I was planning to move in with--to meet her. She showed up three hours late, drunk at noon. She insisted that we all go to her apartment, and when we did, she embarrassed me by bringing out old pictures of me when I was significantly heavier. She must have sensed that I was unhappy and began baiting me to fight with her. I didn't want her to succeed, so I kept my cool, but I also kept my distance. I hated that my boyfriend only got to see this ugly side of her. He will never know the person she really was.

I'd like to think that I've come to terms with her death, but as I said, it's the details that haunt me. What was she thinking when she died? Why didn't she call someone when she was hurting so bad? Did she make a decision to die and not call for help? Did she think I hated her? Sometimes, I imagine her talking to me when I'm feeling the worst; I think her old self would comfort me in her way, and tell me not to cry and to be happy. She was always the wear-bright-colors-to-my-funeral type. But I don't think 20 years ago she could have imagined that she'd die at 50, alone, in the state she was in.

Plenty of friends, colleagues, and people I didn't even know well reach out to me. My boyfriend has been as great as he possibly could be. But I still feel somewhat alone because nobody can really understand unless they've been through this. It's just not the same when my friend talks about losing her father to cancer.

If anyone who has lived through something similar can offer advice, I'd love to hear it.
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Old 09-13-2008, 08:45 AM
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Hi. Thank you for posting. I too lost my alcoholic Mom at a young age, she was 57.

All I can say is that you have to give yourself time. My Mom has been dead 11 years next week, and it still hurts but it honestly does get better. Let yourself grieve and realize that you will never understand this horrible disease. Remember that she loved you the best that she could and try to focus on the good stuff.

Big hugs,

Karen
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Old 09-13-2008, 08:58 AM
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Sylavan.. Im sorry for your loss and tho i cant relate to this issue , something that has helped me heal over the death of my daughter at an early age , The why's and what if's will not replace nor fix what has happend , I feel If i waste my energys on trying to understand the " whys" i loose sight of what precious time I did have with her . Focus on those great times that you did have and let the rest lay in peace . " takin what you want and leave the rest " basically .. I hope you find some peace Mrs O:ghug2
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:28 PM
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Sylvan,

I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I lost mine too, when I was still in single digits though. But more recently, I lost both of my elder sisters to complications from their addictions: one by suicide and one because she drank herself to death.

I remember feeling the way you do now, struggling so hard to find answers for myself, wanting to be better NOW. It is one of the most unfair truths in life that healing takes a lot of time and reflection, and in my case, counseling to help walk me through all the horrible mazes I put my mind through. Why did they do this? What could I have done differently? How did they end up this way when they were such amazing people before?

And the memories of cleaning out my sister's house after her suicide still haunt me, many years later. But they're not sharp razors like your fresh memories are....they are just a dull ache that reminds me that I went through something terribly painful. This, I think, is the best I can expect. I will NEVER be indifferent to the fact that I miss them and wish things had turned out differently.

If your counseling sessions aren't helping you with this, I would suggest maybe looking for someone else to talk with. I worked with one who had really strong experience with grief, and he helped me to start taking concrete steps away from the spot I was in. It still took quite a while to feel like I wasn't hostage to this terrible sadness......but it was the thing that really helped me on my way.

Look into grief groups you can participate in, so you can talk with other people who are going through the same healing process you are. You'd be amazed at the different ways of dealing with it all, and it can be really helpful.

Just one small thing before I stop blabbing: I took a huge step forward in my healing when I realized that -- way down deep underneath -- I was still very, very angry at my sisters for the choices they made, the pain they'd brought to me and to my family. Specific events & things said, like your story about your boyfriend. This anger masqueraded as grief, guilt, you name it, and it just kept the wound open. When I found a way to forgive them for not being the kind of person I wanted & needed them to be, and when I found a way to TRULY forgive myself for not being superhuman enough to save them, then......well, then I cried for like four days straight .....but then, I almost felt in my gut things start to break up and get better.

Hugs and strength to you to get through this time. We're all here listening whenever you want to talk. Feel free to PM me too.

GL
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Old 09-13-2008, 12:51 PM
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I hope my dad doesn't suffer a similar fate -- but if he does, it is his choice.

My parents are 88 and 78, and my mom has been hospitalized since last December (well, hospital/rehab/long-term cared), and it is very unlikely that she'll ever be discharged from the health-care system. Nonetheless, my dad stubbornly refuses to consider moving out of the big suburban house they've owned for 44 years, where I grew up.

My dad is an alcoholic, raging control freak, who at 88 is still a formidable presence -- my sister and I can never get up the guts to talk about anything of substance with him, because anytime anyone suggests that maybe it's a good idea to think about his living situation, he'll fly off the handle. He refuses to accept any solution other than his kids moving back in with him -- which is not going to happen (there's a reason we moved out in the first place, after all).

So we're at an impasse. Dad refuses to move, and I (and my wife) refuse to move back in. If he wants to stay there, that is his choice. I am powerless to change that.

So I'm basically running the clock out on him. I hate to put it that way, but it's the truth. If I find, some day, that he's fallen down the stairs and is lying there in a heap, that'll be unfortunate for both of us -- but that is a consequence of the choices he made. It is not a consequence of my "failing to do what I should have done to help," or any other such conventional-family manipulative non-program hogwash. (I might add that he's got a million bucks in his back pocket -- affording assisted living would not be a problem.)

I am not looking forward to the next... year or two or three or however long this goes on. But I am not going back into that dysfunctional environment.
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Old 09-13-2008, 03:33 PM
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My mom died as a result of this awful disease, her choices left her riddled with guilt and unable to be happy. So she drank.....and drank.When she died I was devastated as we had only been reconciled a short time. I wrote her a letter after she passed and I didn't hold back. It was a cleansing process and although I began with anger and self-pity, I finished with feelings of compassion and love for her. I often take out that letter and read it, it reminds me that we are imperfect human beings but that we have the power to change, to seek serenity and have courage to greet each day, not with regrets but with hope in our hearts.
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Old 09-13-2008, 08:00 PM
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Sylvan,
I realize I am not responding to this as the others have. My mom and dad did not pass from alcoholism. But....I have to say, as the mom of two girls, ages 10 and 12, your post really knocked the breath out of me. It was as if it could be one of MY girls writing this about me one day IF I don't choose a different path for myself now.
Thank you for your brutal honesty in dealing with your mom's horrible disease and her death. It really hit home to me.
This is the crossroads for me that will change everything. Not only the course of MY life but of my daughters, my husband and even my grandchildren that are yet to be.

I pray you will find peace and grace as you go thru the process of dealing with this situation. I just wanted you to know how significant your post was to me.
God Bless
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Old 09-14-2008, 08:17 AM
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Sylvan,

I am also responding differently than the other posters. You said you were having problems getting past the details, and I wanted to offer you a tool that is used with PTSD patients.

When one of these thoughts, or images, comes into your head, I'm guessing the first thing you do is tell it to go away, you don't want to have it. Unfortunately, our brains don't work that way - if I tell you not to think about a carrot, the first thing your brain does is pull up a picture, thought or experience of a carrot.

I had a horrifically traumatic event occur in my life that had begun to take over my waking hours. I could not seem to get it out of my head. I, too, have been in counseling for years and at the time had a wonderful therapist.

He explained that our brains get bored if we think about something long enough. That to get rid of a horrifying image or thought, the best way is NOT to tell it to go away, but to invite it to stay as long as it wants. In other words, when you have one of these images or thoughts or experiences, the way to make it stop is to close your eyes and immerse yourself in the experience. Look at all the details, feel all the feelings, relive it as realistically as you possibly can - and here's the important part - when you mind starts to drift away (as it will, because our brains also have fairly short attention spans), bring back that thought and make yourself think about it more. Make yourself focus on it until your mind becomes so bored with the concept that it simply won't focus on the situation anymore.

It isn't easy at first. It will probably involve some tears. It will hurt. But keep bringing it back into your mind. I promise you that once your brain gets bored with it, the emotional impact will go away. Then you'll be able to think about what happened without all the emotional baggage you currently have surrounding it.

One day you'll realize that it hasn't happened in a long time - and you'll have a reaction again, although it will be less intense. You'll need to repeat the 'focus until bored' exercise again, but it will take less time to become boring and the emotional factors will not be as strong.

You did not kill your mother, and you know this logically. You could not have prevented her death. You also know this logically. Unfortunately our brains aren't logical, and the emotions we attach to things aren't logical either. Thankfully, they do have a short attention span. Emotionally, our brains are not designed to stagnate, they are designed to move forward. You can speed the process up a bit and take advantage of your brain's fallibility to help yourself.

I hope this will help you find peace. I did not believe it could possibly work in my situation, but figured I had nothing to lose by trying it and was absolutely amazed at how well it did work.
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Old 09-25-2008, 03:58 PM
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Sylvan,
Yours is a very tough story. And you are doing the best thing by talking/writing about it. There are two aspects to your Mom's death that make talking, to supportive people who will just listen, very important. First, grief for a dead parent takes time. I have lost both (over 2 decades ago, but it still stings now and then) and a brother to cancer last year. Second, with a sudden death there are many loose ends of a relationship that are left unresolved - and this is particularly true with alcoholic parents and their adult children (we, us, I, You). Both of my parents were alcoholics and both died suddenly.
My mother died in a car accident, in her late 50's, that was probably caused by a blackout brought on by poor health from years of drinking. Several years later, my father died of heart failure and was a highly functional alcoholic, 100% in denial of any drinking-related problems, to the end. In both cases there were loads of loose ends, many unheard and unspoken things that will never be said. My mother's death happened in my first year of university, and I went back and did not tell anyone what had happened. No counseling, nothing. I almost flunked out in my second year - I just lost interest in everything. As the commercial says - Don't try this at home. With my father's death I sought out a few close relatives who listened patiently when I rambled on about my father, and mother, and many other topics that wove in and out of the conversation. I was grieving and they let it happen.

Sylvan, grieving takes time. It also takes time to accept that one's deceased parents chose their own lives and that their children (you and me) were powerless over their addictions. One at a time, a step here and a step there.

To this day I can remember my father and be bitterly angry and miss him in nearly the same thought. He was a giant in his profession in spite of the incredibly angry liquor-induced rages and abuse his family endured. Memories of my mother bring guilt and sadness followed by firm knowledge that she chose her path. She was an exceedingly intelligent woman who somehow did not see - and this shows how addiction warps the best minds - that her drinking was as bad for the family as for herself. But I no longer grieve for them - I try to remember the good stuff and use that in my life.

I am still struggling with that childhood stuff. It doesn't heal with time and talk like grief does. We all are struggling, and that is why we are here at this forum. It takes time, talk, AND work, Sylvan. We work on ourselves, going through 12-steps and/or professional treatment. And we talk with others who will listen, inside this forum and outside.
[[[Insert huggy emoticon for Sylvan here]]]
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Old 10-12-2008, 06:51 PM
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I Understand

A few months ago, I found my mother after she'd passed away. She'd been gone about 1 week and I found her in her apartment. She'd been on a drinking binge for about 6 months.

My brother and I did everything we could to help her including taking her to rehab about 3 or 4 times in the span of 6 months.

Regardless, I miss her deeply and am truly angry that her alcoholism robbed me and my son, her only grandchild, of spending time with her.

We actually don't even know exactly how she died yet as the autopsy report can take 6 months to write.

I wish you all the strength in healing and hope that he sting of her loss lessens.

Kelly in Canada
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Old 10-16-2008, 05:28 PM
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GingerM,
What you said about the brain getting bored - that is an incredible insight. I remember it today when I had another round of paranoid thoughts (sort of nearly unconscious stream of "they are all talking about me and hate me" stuff). I think it really helped to pull the thoughts up into the light and say 'what does this look like and feel like'. It is a very secular version of the buddhist idea that we must strive to become aware and unattached to fears.
Thank You!!

Originally Posted by GingerM View Post
He explained that our brains get bored if we think about something long enough. That to get rid of a horrifying image or thought, the best way is NOT to tell it to go away, but to invite it to stay as long as it wants. In other words, when you have one of these images or thoughts or experiences, the way to make it stop is to close your eyes and immerse yourself in the experience. Look at all the details, feel all the feelings, relive it as realistically as you possibly can - and here's the important part - when you mind starts to drift away (as it will, because our brains also have fairly short attention spans), bring back that thought and make yourself think about it more. Make yourself focus on it until your mind becomes so bored with the concept that it simply won't focus on the situation anymore.
It isn't easy at first. It will probably involve some tears. It will hurt. But keep bringing it back into your mind. I promise you that once your brain gets bored with it, the emotional impact will go away. Then you'll be able to think about what happened without all the emotional baggage you currently have surrounding it.
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Old 05-19-2011, 07:40 AM
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I don't think anyone is still reading this post but I have just experienced a very similar experience to the first post. I feel numb and I am trying deperately hard not to blame myself but i am not sure how I am going to cope.
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Old 05-19-2011, 08:35 AM
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Brighton,

If you want to talk about it, we are here.
This was a truly moving post, I had not seen it until you posted. I have gone through something similar, and I understand the guilt, the sadness. Losing a parent hurts a lot, and when they drank their days and happiness away, it makes it so much worse to know that recovery is a lost hope forever, when they die in their disease.
hug
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Old 05-19-2011, 10:27 AM
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Hi Brighton, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for your loss, I hope that you will start a new thread of your own and share more of your story when you feel comfortable.

Take good care, S

Last edited by Seren; 01-30-2015 at 11:59 AM.
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Old 05-19-2011, 04:40 PM
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Hello Brighton,

I am so sorry for your loss.

My alcoholic father died in August, after being ill for about two years. He was 70 at the time and died of complications due to a lifetime of smoking and drinking.

He died in a Medicaid only nursing home. I lived four hours away by car, but I did get to see him the day before he died. It wasn't pleasant.

What got me through his illness and eventual death was sharing on a forum similar to this. I had so many conflicting emotions - anger, embarrassment, sadness, fear, relief, and even love.

Writing, sharing, and reading other people's shares made such a difference.

When he died I held a small memorial service and gave a eulogy. Working on the eulogy also helped me. I tried to look at his life for what it was. There were parts of him that were wonderful and then parts that weren't so wonderful. I'm still sad that he was never able to give up his addictions, but for whatever reasons that is not how his life was meant to turn out.

I once read somewhere that sometime all your parents can do is provide an example of how NOT to live your life. My father definitely demonstrated what can happen when someone chooses to not address their illnesses and their past.

After he died, what came as the biggest shock to me was that I actually miss him.

I have since gotten a picture enlarged of him holding me as a baby and put it on my dresser. In it he is young, healthy, handsome, and full of potential. In the photo he looks happy and glad to be a father. I like to remember him that way.

I also like to think that he's in a better place now and no longer struggling or suffering.

Keep coming back!

Thank you for letting me share.

db
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Old 05-19-2011, 06:14 PM
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((Brighton)) - welcome to SR! I am truly sorry for your loss, and hope you will keep reading and posting.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 05-22-2011, 06:43 AM
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Sorry

I am so sorry for your loss....
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Old 06-04-2011, 10:13 PM
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First of all I would like to say thank you for this post. I have not lost a loved one to alcohol yet. your story really touched me because if you replace your mother in the story with my mother. It fits almost perfectly. I love the sober days. I love the days when I think I have my mother back. And I cry like a baby every time she relapses, which is too often. she drives 3 hours away, locks herself in a hotel, stops answering her phone, and refuses to tell anyone where she is (if they are lucky enough to contact her) She has mentioned wanting to die a several times when she binges.

Even though she is here, it feels like she is already gone. The bad days are more frequent than the good ones. I have done everything I can to try to get her to seek help for herself.

Yet, the bad days are still more frequent than the good days. I didn't cause this. I can't control this. I cannot cure this. But it still hurts. It hurts that I have so much life to live that I want my mother there for and she is choosing to do this to herself. It kills me that she is such a kind wonderful person (sober) and yet she will probably never meet my children (i haven't had kids yet) It hurts me that my children will never meet her. They deserve to be able to know her, and to have a relationship with her but with every drink she is slowly taking that right away from them.

I would like to think I have come to terms with the reality that she won't be around much longer. but then I catch myself getting angry and sad and I realize that actually losing her is going to be a million times worse than believing she will die soon.

I can't imagine what you are going through, but sincerely, thank you for your story.
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Old 01-30-2015, 06:30 AM
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hi there,
i was so moved by this post because i am now going through exactly what you wrote. my mother has distanced herself and now she was alone in her apartment for days without calling for help. by the time i went to her, it was too late. i spent two weeks holding her and watching her die a slow death from alcoholism. this has destroyed me on so many levels.. questions about why she didn't reach out to me, guilt, the thought of what she went through DT's (the hospital said she had gone days without alcohol and i'm assuming it's because she was unable to get out of bed) dieing such a horrible death.. it's all so consuming.
i wanted to see how you made out with everything emotionally? i know it's been years since you have posted but again, your situation is as close to mine as it's gonna get. and i appreciate knwoing someone else has expereinced what i am going through, so thank you.
can you tell me how you dealt with all your questions and guilt?
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Old 01-30-2015, 08:41 AM
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Hi archer,

I am so sorry to read of your loss. I am not sure if any of those posters are still around but there is a subforum here called Grief&Loss that you may want to post at about this particular situation.
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