dothi

Quoted for truth.

It's your dad's own chip on his shoulder which, sadly, has nothing to do with you. My AF does this. I think of it as projecting. He projects a situation to suit his own needs (usually to justify drinking) at the cost of those around him. When he can he projects on my sister ("boy I worry about her") to justify sitting around - drinking - and "worrying" so much. When she's not available, it's me. When I'm not available, it's my brother. And round and round it goes.

The sad truth is that for a long time my sister believed this talk, e.g. AF: "I worry about how you're going to manage once you leave." Then she would drag her feet because she'd be scared of the invisible dangers out there that must be making AF worry. This, in turn, would fuel AF's belief in his own ability to determine the future, and sure enough, next time someone stepped out of line, he would try again with the "boy I worry about ____." It's a cycle of self-fulfilling prophecies that so far my sister and I have escaped, and my brother and mom remained trapped in.


These used to color my special occasions too.

hiding

That's so true. AF uses the same technique to control my mum. When she was coming to visit me regularly to help me out after surgery, he used to call her up all the time. He even said he was worried she'd crashed the car when she'd only been gone a couple of hours. When it comes to disappointment AF is a master at it. He can't see any good in the world, obsesses over the news and sends emailed rants to newspaper forums. You can't beat 'the world's gone to hell in a handbasket' as an excuse to drink. Never mind all the good in the world, never mind all the good in his own family. There's no dealing with that level of self-justification and self-pity.

I'm so grateful that this forum exists and that I've found it. Every post seems to be relevant – I feel like there's going to be a flood of posts from me saying 'me too!' I'm glad that I've finally come to understand that he didn't mean it when he said that I'd been ruining his life from the day I was born etc. He needs to say things like that for his own selfish reasons. It's a hard one though. Even at the time (10 years ago was the first time but there have been plenty since), I knew it couldn't be true that I'd had that effect from birth but that didn't stop me thinking he hated me by the time he said it. Now I understand that he only said it to keep me down but that doesn't mean it hasn't affected me.

That's the whole problem I suppose. It seems to me that being an ACoA is insidious - it creeps up on you for years so you assume that your personality is what it is and can't be changed. You've been verbally abused and messed around for so long by a person whose judgement you instinctively trusted (and had every right to believe in) that it's hard to learn new ways of thinking.

Ah yes, the holiday season. Time of peace, goodwill and wishing that I lived in another country. Preferably one where it snows too much to keep the airports open or the baggage handlers go on strike. Thinking about that reminded me of another classic dinnertime example. He said something, I agreed with him, he argued that I was wrong, I shouted at him 'but I was agreeing with you!' That's logic for you.

EveningRose

This is the incredible gift of the internet-- to be able to run a google search and find that I am not crazy, these things really are happening, and my friends are right, not just being nice.

I am middle aged, and finally recognizing this is an entire family pattern that will not change, that they will blame their issues on me forever and find fault with me forever, and I know my entire family would say I'm just blaming other people for my deficiencies.

I have also seen the pattern continue onto my children. I have recently been under attack about how awful they (supposedly) are, and although it made for a horrible week, in the end, it was good to finally hear the details of what made them so bad: it was all very normal kid stuff, things any kid would do. Other people think my kids are great.

But I'm also seeing, now that my sister has children, the way my mother dotes on them, spends 45 hours a week with them, etc. My youngest son, about their age, has not been invited over once. They see him on holidays and that's about it.

One thing I have found incredibly helpful is EMDR. I can't really explain it, something about using the eyes or the pattern of beats in your hands from 'tappers,' (depending which technique they use) which helps you overcome trauma. I would strongly recommend anyone here still struggling with their upbringing and current family dynamics to try it.

What I have been struck by in reading about the 'Scapegoat' in the alcoholic family, is that many articles suggest that the scapegoat often does fall into the role, getting into a lot of trouble. But what finally brought home to me what is happening is that after years of doing everything 'right,' of being in the honor society, never touching a cigarette, much less drugs, making something of a success in my career, helping children, hanging out with squeaky clean types, etc., etc., blahblahblah.... they still find more fault with me than with my sister who pierces everything she can, throws drinking parties, and runs around with types that eventually end up in prison; or with my sister who has a decaades long history of melt-downs and blow-ups. But my mother is still telling people about an incident from 35 years ago-- yeah, she has to go that far back to find dirt-- and twisting a kid in a difficult situation into 'proof' of my supposed character flaws.

It really stresses to me that the alcoholic family just needs someone to blame, and the facts don't really matter. Some recent events opened my eyes to the fact that if they quit blaming me, they'd have to take a hard look at themselves.

My solution has been to walk away from it. That makes them angry, too. They tell me to my face all my (supposed) faults and how I make holidays awful and 'make' everyone do awful things-- but they want me at holidays?? That doesn't even make sense. They should be happier I'm leaving them alone if they believe what they say. But I am happier, I feel like a better mother. The blame-shifting has gotten so strange in my family that even devout Christians, who I'd expect to say "Go back and make peace," are telling me to get away from these people. Bit by bit, I've been working through my own feelings about refusing to 'be the peacemaker' anymore-- because I finally realized this is NOT peace for ME, because it's not good for my children, even though they don't see what's happening.

And what I'm reading here really confirms to me that there just is no dealing with these things.

My biggest fear now is that they'll try to turn my children against me. My kids (the older ones) have good relationships with all of them. I let them visit whenever they want. I feel caught in a catch-22, that if they're visiting, they're hearing from all my parents and siblings how difficult and awful I am (which will eventually have them turning against me and interpreting everything I do in this light), but if I limit visits to prevent this, I'll be accused of using the kids as pawns and so on. I've already been told I'm 'withholding' the younger kids. My older kids are completely missing the fact that my parents and siblings themselves make no effort to have any contact with the younger ones.

startanew

I have been the scapegoat of my family all of my life. I am the only member of my family who is trying to break the cycle of alcoholism. Hence, I must be crazy and the bad person in order for them to justify their lifestyle choices. I thought my daughters were growing up sheltered from the perils of alcoholism. Even though my husband and I don't drink, I now realize my daughters were still impacted.
I too allowed them to have a very close relationship with my family. They would leave home in a perfectly good mood then come home angry and withdrawn. I thought I was being oversensitive and paranoid but I now know they were hearing negative things about me.
I totally understand your fears and dilemas. My daughters and I were always so close but had normal teenage issues. My family took those issues and made them much bigger than they were to drive a wedge between us. If we were concerned about them being out at night they were told we were trying to control them or didn't trust them. I too knew if I tried to limit their visits I would be accused of trying to use the girls against them. I was accused of not letting go of the past. I told my family it was not the past but the behaviour patterns that continue. My daughters are now 26, 24 and 20 and are being totally controlled and manipulated by my family. I am so angry at myself now that I allowed my family to be so involved with my girls. Of course they say all my issues with my girls are all my fault and they take no responsibility. I have finally realized they will never change and have tried to move on with my life. It is so hard to be totally disowned by your family no matter how dysfunctional.
I hope things with your children have a better outcome. I don't know what the answer is. It truly is a Catch-22.
Good Luck!

EveningRose

Funny you mention making things bigger than they are. I've kept my distance from my family long enough now that my dad's words tonight almost made me laugh. I (stupidly?) tried to talk to him about this, and he insists that I need to 'control' my kids better. (There are a bunch of little boys). He said even just the other day at my uncle's for Christmas, THREE ADULTS (over about 6 hours) had to tell them to stop running. I'm guessing it was the 7 years olds and the 4 year old who were running. Uh... little boys forgetting to walk? Okay, so tell them to walk, this is a problem why????

I let the kids go visit. They don't make a whole lot of effort to, primarily going over when my dad hires them to do yard work. I've told them why I don't go, about some of the abusive things over the years, and tried not to say much more.

borntobetoo

Well this is what I have learned about myself over the years. I was the scapegoat. I left far from home in my early 20's from a large family. I am the oldest and the only one adopted. I accomplished a lot in learning about myself and others as many do. I ended up having children with a women and we never married. She ended up with a horrible gambling addiction. Eventually I was able to take the kids and move back to my home town and back to my childhood memories and a lot of things I had blocked out. I am not very close to my family as far as none of them really know the real me or take the time too. I take some of the blame but some of them I keep at arms length for good reason. The kids mother transferred her job to a town a few hours away. I let her,the kids and my family my life hell. I was consistently getting angry and yelling and I knew were it was coming from. I would be so full of shame after this. Then my oldest starting doing this to me to the point were he has hit me and verbally abused me. Meanwhile mom is pulling the puppet strings especially when I meet and got involved with another women. We had many great days but the kids and I suffered on my meager earnings. the boys mother did not participate financially. My family would talk a lot about doing this to help us and that but would not come through. Of course this is usually when they are drunk. As a result I keep them out of my business and broken away from my mom and her enabling and controlling ways. I have learned to communicate better to my father but that is a two way street. My wife to be goes right at him and I am on pins a needles at times when we all get together for some family event. some of my siblings or petty and still treat me as the scapegoat. Back to the kids, I went to court and mediation and it all worked out differently then I first envisioned but not bad but better. The kids now live with mom. The youngest lived with my wife to be and I until the summer. The older boys and their mother used all kinds of manipulative tactics but for the most part I learned to be a step ahead of it. Now my oldest son, whom is not a huger, surprised me with a hug when I saw him. It seems to be working out and I'm getting better at communicating with there mother, but boy can she be hateful. Bottom line some days I'm better at not being the victim but it is so easy to fall into that trap again. It has affected me my whole life. As a result I have had numerous jobs. I was the enabler in my family for years trying to get it to work with the kids and their mother. This I figured I learned from my mother in an attempt to gain her approval as a child. It never happened but I was programed to mimic some of her behavior and some of my dads. I have suffered from depression since a child but have made great strides in myself despite how it may appear to others. I stumble and fall and sometimes rise high. It use to bother me that my parents never acknowledged my successes. Any rate nice to be here. I love my higher power!

strawwoman

I can not find good information about scapegoating that describes or even hopes to provide any support on the family scape goat that isn't the addict, criminal or trouble maker. I have been manipulated and battered into the scapegoat position quiet aggressively by the family addict and her addict husband. I am the non-addict, the one who "just said no to drugs", saw the downside to drinking heavy and only tried drugs when my druggie sister and her husband pushed me to do so.

I'm the one that got good grades, pleased the parents and grandparents, went to college and actually finished and served in the military honorably. I've never seen the inside of a jail, even from the outside. I obey the law and follow a high moral standard for the sake of doing so. I treat people decently and keep my mouth quiet if I don't like them. I have expressed concerns for my sister and her husbands drinking, drug use and disruptive behavior. I have been the victim of their violence repeatedly as well as ongoing, non stop argumentative behavior and hostility at family events. There has been no effort on their part to get along, respect me for who I am or honor my requests to be left alone. Everything I do is bad. My family has been saying for a decade that I need to try harder to get along. I did, but I refused to be sucked into their addictive, dysfunctional lifestyle.

So I tried simply to distance myself. They have been waging a smear campaign against me for 15 years claiming I do some outrageous stuff that I have never done nor even come close to. This is not even exaggerations of the truth or exposing some dirty secret of mine. This is flat out slander and character assassination. What hurts and astonishes me most is my parents and now my adult daughter buy it. My father was a rational person so he did not succumb to this as badly, but even he was slowly convinced of my tarnished character and no longer considered me the good child that he was proud of all because of this smear campaign. Now he's dead and my mother is so convinced of my guilt that she has insisted I put up with it. I have set boundaries that she would acknowledge for a short time and then insist I discard until finally the violence got so bad that there wasn't even 10 minutes of us together at a family event before he was screaming and swinging his fists at me. The last instance he has somehow convinced the enablers that I attacked him, when I was running away from his attack. The addicts are funding their addiction with my mothers fortune and somehow they have gotten my mother to open her wallet to them and dig deep. I don't know how they have done this.

There is no therapy support documentation on this and yet I know that addicts do this to the people in the family that call them on their b.s.. This is not unusual. Yet I can find no support and the attitude of the majority that it takes to to make a disagreement miserably fails in this matter because this is not the product of a disagreement. This is the product of hostilities from addicts who are bent on sucking the family dry using it the way they use their drugs. My young adult daughter is caught up in this drama and they put a wedge between us when she was a rebellious teenager. My sister, the cool aunt was sneakily communicating to my daughter, encouraging her to run away, I found out later. Anything to undermine me. My daughter has decided to not talk to me, because I keep telling my sisters husband to leave me alone. I am pressing charges against him for his most recent assault. And still, my family shuns me. What sense does this make? Please don't tell me to let it go and move on and ignore them. I am trying to do that. But this is MY family too. We had a good family before my sister went down this dark path and brought her partner to share in this diabolical destruction. I enjoyed my family before. They have never been busted for their drug use and alcohol excesses. My granddaughter is now off limits to me because I said NO you can't hit me, NO you can't scream at me in front of all the Children. Stop being drunk in front of the children. I am the bad person. They said I have an evil dark heart. Wow all that for saying that this should be better. I need some sort of support and someone who can sanely discuss this. My friends say they can't handle the negativity and don't want to talk about it. Where is the help? I try to read up on these things and nothing really quite describes the abuse, the long term slow, undercurrent of carefully planned out destruction. This appears to have been slowly building over years, but it has only recently become apparent to me that a long standing deliberate campaign to discredit me in the family has been going on and it has finally won out in a very sure way. The children are victims and even my mother is a victim without knowing it. How can so many people buy into this madness? I can not possibly be the only rational person left in this family. All the older people that had good values and worked to keep the family together and healthy are dead. Those left, including my mother, the 69 year old teenager, carps about how much like the grandparents I am being so judgmental and holier than thou. My grandparents insisted that family gatherings be polite, calm, enjoyable and respectful. They banned alcohol for as long as they could to maintain this. They disproved when the tide worked against them. But they understood the damages that alcohol at family gatherings brought. They still admonished the addicts when they started their rable rousing to the point that the addicts would leave and go to the bar after submitting to the obligatory family affair. Now that the old people are gone, I'm the only one left that expects the family to be able to peacefully get together. I'm the only one that seems to be drawn out for arguments through the trick of being asked my opinion on something and then either made fun of or battered for answering the question I was asked. The one good thing about my mother going the distance on this problem and fully blaming me. finally is I don't have any more obligations to fulfill to her. So I can, at long last, without explanation, refuse to attend these diabolical events.

happybeingme

Welcome to the forum. I am so very sorry you are being abused. That's not ok. I don't have experience like yours but I have a highly dysfunctional family background so I get the lying, manipulation, the control that goes on. Thing is there is nothing you can say or do that will change it. Others have tried they all failed. The only options you have is to bow to their will or completely cut them off. In your situation I suggest complete no contact. Anything less could cost you your life. That's not an exaggeration.

I hope you stick around and share more with us. I also suggest you read the stickies at the top of this forum. Also if you check out the subreddit on reddit.com called raisedbynarcissists you will find a lot of people who have been scapegoated just like you

Kialua

Welcome strawwoman. Sorry you have the scapegoating. I too experienced it but really distanced myself to the point of exclusion and never had my kids know my parents more than a few hours here and there. I never let them be alone with them.

I learned when I moved out of my position of the sick family cheerleader human pyramid, I made everyone else falter and of course they hated it, and yelled at me to get back in place to hold them up. But I wouldn't and lost them all.

thequest

I see one person constantly being singled or talked about by the alkie/addict among others. Those doing the most scapegoating have big personal problems. It's ironic without talking about the person they are scapegoating there wouldn't be needed diversions/breaks or the attention would be on them. Without the scape goated person present at social gatherings or being talked about conversations would've taken a turn for the worse. I was surprised when I searched scapegoating I got so many results.