My husband is an ACOA
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My husband is an ACOA
My husband and I got married about 2 years ago and it has been a very difficult 2 years. My husband's father has been an alcoholic for at least 15 years. Their family has all the traits of an alcoholic family and my husband has all the traits of an ACOA. I have contacted this forum because I just can't handle the pressure anymore of being married to an ACOA. The expectations, the inconsistency, the rollercoaster of emotions, the drama, the irrational behavior, the mis-trust, the emotional abuse and the twisted way of thinking. The environment at home is so unhealthy. I understand that ACOA will be a life long struggle for him but I can't help but wish he could simply be "re-programmed". I always knew that my husband had ACOA but I didn't realize until now just how engrained and hard wired these behaviors are in his life. It affects absolutely every part of his character. Unfortunatly now all I see in him is ACOA. I feel like I've found him out.
The fact is that our relationship does not resemble a healthy marriage in any way. From the day we met, he always said and did the perfect things to make everyone including me believe that he's the "perfect guy" and has a "wonderful life". Shortly after our wedding, I noticed that he "talks a big talk" but doesn't follow through with anything and that he has 2 very different personalities. There's the perfect personality that's presented to our friends and family and there's the absolute monster personality that only I see at home.
We started seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago and he also started to see the counselor on his own to discuss ACOA. During these 6 months my husband learned a lot about himself and acknowledged the devastating effects of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I know his recovery will be a lifelong challenge however how can I be expected to stay in this marriage and support my husband when he still cannot control his anger/words and behaviors. At home I have conditioned myself to feel scared of him and walk on eggshells at home. I'm not myself anymore. I have lost contact with all my friends and family because I'm afraid to admit just how bad things are at home.
Lately I've been feeling like the marriage counselor hasn't entirely grasped the depth of my husband's ACOA. My husband spends hours in counseling giving detailed descriptions of events involving me that angered him since the last visit. It seems like the entire session is a time for him to vent about all these things that I do that make him angry. He has expectiations for how he thinks I should act or re-act and of course when I don't meet those expectations, he feels intense anxiety and blows up. It's at these times that he cannot control his words and actions. He raises his voice, says ugly things and harasses me with insults and accusations. There is nothing I can do to calm him down at these times. These episodes usually end with him storming out of the house and driving away in his car for about an hour. I can't help but feel so relieved when he leaves the house. When he returns home I once again feel nervous and sick to my stomach. After reading more and more about ACOA, I realize that his anger comes from a place very deep inside of him and perhaps he needs the help of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Rightnow my husband feels that I've given up on our marriage and that I've already made up my mind to leave. He says he's hopeful that things will get better and that he continues to learn about himself each day. To me, that's kind of like an alcoholic saying "I don't have a drinking problem" or "I promise I'll quit drinking". Why am I expected to trust the judgement of someone who has been trained to ignore obvious problems in his life. I feel like he is ignoring the reality that we have struggled for 2 years and it has only gotten worse. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to feel bad about who he is and how he grew up. I don't want to look back one day and wish I had just tried a little harder to make it work. Has anyone else's marriage been destroyed by a spouse's ACOA?
The fact is that our relationship does not resemble a healthy marriage in any way. From the day we met, he always said and did the perfect things to make everyone including me believe that he's the "perfect guy" and has a "wonderful life". Shortly after our wedding, I noticed that he "talks a big talk" but doesn't follow through with anything and that he has 2 very different personalities. There's the perfect personality that's presented to our friends and family and there's the absolute monster personality that only I see at home.
We started seeing a marriage counselor about 6 months ago and he also started to see the counselor on his own to discuss ACOA. During these 6 months my husband learned a lot about himself and acknowledged the devastating effects of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I know his recovery will be a lifelong challenge however how can I be expected to stay in this marriage and support my husband when he still cannot control his anger/words and behaviors. At home I have conditioned myself to feel scared of him and walk on eggshells at home. I'm not myself anymore. I have lost contact with all my friends and family because I'm afraid to admit just how bad things are at home.
Lately I've been feeling like the marriage counselor hasn't entirely grasped the depth of my husband's ACOA. My husband spends hours in counseling giving detailed descriptions of events involving me that angered him since the last visit. It seems like the entire session is a time for him to vent about all these things that I do that make him angry. He has expectiations for how he thinks I should act or re-act and of course when I don't meet those expectations, he feels intense anxiety and blows up. It's at these times that he cannot control his words and actions. He raises his voice, says ugly things and harasses me with insults and accusations. There is nothing I can do to calm him down at these times. These episodes usually end with him storming out of the house and driving away in his car for about an hour. I can't help but feel so relieved when he leaves the house. When he returns home I once again feel nervous and sick to my stomach. After reading more and more about ACOA, I realize that his anger comes from a place very deep inside of him and perhaps he needs the help of a psychiatrist or psychologist. Rightnow my husband feels that I've given up on our marriage and that I've already made up my mind to leave. He says he's hopeful that things will get better and that he continues to learn about himself each day. To me, that's kind of like an alcoholic saying "I don't have a drinking problem" or "I promise I'll quit drinking". Why am I expected to trust the judgement of someone who has been trained to ignore obvious problems in his life. I feel like he is ignoring the reality that we have struggled for 2 years and it has only gotten worse. I don't want to hurt his feelings and I don't want him to feel bad about who he is and how he grew up. I don't want to look back one day and wish I had just tried a little harder to make it work. Has anyone else's marriage been destroyed by a spouse's ACOA?
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It affects absolutely every part of his character.
Has anyone else's marriage been destroyed by a spouse's ACOA?
We went to marriage counseling. I had to learn to say no. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. See, ACoA's aren't allowed to say no. So if we don't want to do something, we have no way of voicing it. So we say "yes", we do it, we get mad because the other person "made" us do it (even though we didn't say 'no'), the anger builds and builds until it explodes over some weird thing that baffles the more healthy partner, who then gets scared to say anything at all.
Our counseling was as you describe. Every session was me griping about 'everything he'd done wrong'. The counselor let this continue so that she could get a better idea of what was really happening. Then one day she "turned on me" (that's what it felt like). Suddenly there was a lot of "why don't you say no?" and "if you don't tell him what you want, how can he know?". The first 6 months of counseling was us airing all our grievances, with some input and homework from the counselor. The next 18 months was almost entirely work on me. THAT was a wakeup call.
My husband believes to this day that the only reason our marriage is still together (and now healthy and happy) is that we're both too stubborn to admit we made a mistake in getting married. So both of us worked very hard.
It has been 4 years since we last saw our counselor - we still occasionally have to use some of the tools she gave us to get through sticky spots.
One of the things that helped our marriage counseling the most was that we had a schedule where I met with the counselor separately, then we'd meet together, then he'd meet with her on his own, then together again. So each of us got one session without the other one there to say whatever we wanted and work on whatever without fear of things spilling over outside.
As for your husband's therapy, is he seeing someone trained in cognitive behavioral therapy? If he can find someone like that, I Highly recommend it. I also suggest that he take in the 13 common characteristics of ACoAs stickied at the top of this and give them to his therapist, with all that apply to him circled. This will help the therapist know what tack to take with the therapy and what he's dealing with.
I have been in individual therapy for 4 years straight now, 3 with a cognitive behavioral therapist. Best decision I ever made was to try out CBT (it sounds hokey online when you read about it, but it works really really well).
I wish you luck. The best piece of advice I can give you is to make sure you take care of yourself during this time, whatever decision you make. If you feel that seeing the marriage counselor "one off/one on" like we did, bring it up. I know it's hard to make your voice heard at home, but in the therapists office, you should be able to (at least if the therapist is any good - they'll control the situation to allow you to speak your mind).
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Washington, DC
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Toxic Para-Alcoholic friends of an ACoA spouse
Has anyone found a support group for people whose spouses are severely affected by an abusive alcoholic parent and who are attracted to para-alcoholics who control the spouse but will not admit they are toxic and need help themselves.
My wife does not see that she is in a toxic co-dependancy relationship with two very toxic people.
My wife does not see that she is in a toxic co-dependancy relationship with two very toxic people.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
I don't know of one specifically but we do recommend Alanon and the ACoA's support group. But this would be for you, not her. Not yet. She needs to come to this realization herself, it's pretty hard to get others to understand just because you do. Get some books and literature or print out some of the stickies above and lay them around. Maybe she will eventually look at them. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by bcon 
Has anyone found a support group for people whose spouses are severely affected by an abusive alcoholic parent and who are attracted to para-alcoholics who control the spouse but will not admit they... need help themselves.
At one time, I thought the only issue in my household was that my wife drank -- if only she would address her problem, all would be well. Uh, nope. I needed some work, too -- in fact, after I started going to Al-Anon, things got a lot better at home, even well before she went to treatment for alcoholism. If I hadn't taken a look in the mirror, nothing would have changed.
T
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 179
Acoa is a good group if they are active near you. Alanon are easier to find, but as and ACOA I felt like a bit of an outsider there.
The prior comments about the spouse recognizing the problem and wanting to change cannot be understated. YOU can't force the realization on you spouse. They have recognize it for themselves.
You could help yourself by attending Alanon. You can learn coping tactics that will help you from being drawn into the insanity. For your spouse to recognize thier problem, you have to not be there to catch them when they are making bad choices.
The prior comments about the spouse recognizing the problem and wanting to change cannot be understated. YOU can't force the realization on you spouse. They have recognize it for themselves.
You could help yourself by attending Alanon. You can learn coping tactics that will help you from being drawn into the insanity. For your spouse to recognize thier problem, you have to not be there to catch them when they are making bad choices.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by MrThekla
The prior comments about the spouse recognizing the problem and wanting to change cannot be understated. YOU can't force the realization on you spouse. They have recognize it for themselves.
I get my 17-year medallion (self-purchased) on Monday, as a reminder of when I started going to Al-Anon. My wife doesn't get her 17-year until next May. That's because I started going to meetings back when she was still drinking vodka like it was on special at Costco. She was very ill and getting worse by the day -- and we fought constantly, before I started in the program. But gradually -- and it didn't take long -- I learned some tools to deflect the anger, not get baited into fighting, and generally figure out how to deal with an active alcoholic, to the point where after a few months, we weren't fighting much at all anymore -- except occasionally about "that cult you go to, where you talk about me!" Not long after that, she had an acute bout with her illness (almost died), then went to treatment; that was at the end of May, '96.
So the flip side of this is that even if our worse half doesn't do anything to address his/her problems, there's a lot we can do by ourselves. And it does work!
T
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Acoa
[QUOTE=kprincio;1760963]Moj muž i ja smo se vjenčali prije otprilike 2 godine i bile su to jako teške 2 godine. Otac mog muža je alkoholičar najmanje 15 godina. Njihova porodica ima sve crte porodice alkoholičara, a moj muž ima sve osobine ACOA. Kontaktirao sam ovaj forum jer jednostavno ne mogu više podnijeti pritisak da budem u braku sa ACOA. Očekivanja, nedosljednost, bura emocija, drama, iracionalno ponašanje, nepovjerenje, emocionalno zlostavljanje i uvrnut način razmišljanja. Okruženje kod kuće je tako nezdravo. Razumijem da će ACOA za njega biti doživotna borba, ali ne mogu a da ne želim da se jednostavno "reprogramira". Oduvijek sam znao da moj muž ima ACOA, ali do sada nisam shvatio koliko su ova ponašanja ukorijenjena i čvrsto povezana u njegovom životu. To utiče na apsolutno svaki dio njegovog karaktera. Nažalost, sada sve što vidim u njemu je ACOA. Osećam se kao da sam ga otkrio.
Činjenica je da naša veza nije po čemu ne liči na zdrav brak. Od dana kada smo se upoznali, uvijek je govorio i radio savršene stvari kako bi svi, uključujući mene, povjerovali da je na "savršen momak" i da ima "divan život". Ubrzo nakon našeg vjenčanja, primijetio sam da na "velike priče" ništa ne prati i da ima 2 vrlo različite ličnosti. Postoji savršena ličnost koja je predstavljena našim prijateljima i porodici i postoji apsolutna ličnost čudovišta koju samo vidim kod kuće.
Počeli smo viđati bračnog savjetnika prije otprilike 6 mjeseci i on je također počeo sam da se viđa sa savjetnikom kako bi razgovarao o ACOA. Tokom ovih 6 mjeseci moj muž je naučio mnogo o sebi i priznao razorne posljedice odrastanja u porodici alkoholičara.
Znam da će njegov oporavak biti doživotni izazov, međutim kako se od mene može očekivati da ostanem u ovom braku i podržavam svog muža kada još uvijek ne može kontrolirati svoj bijes/riječi i ponašanje. Kod kuće sam se uslovio da ga se plašim i da hodam po ljusci jajeta kod kuće. Nisam više svoj. Izgubio sam kontakt sa svim prijateljima i porodicom jer se bojim priznati koliko je loše kod kuće.
U posljednje vrijeme osjećam se kao da bračni savjetnik nije u potpunosti shvatio dubinu ACOA mog muža. Moj muž provodi sate u savjetovanju dajući detaljne opise događaja koji su uključeni i koji su ga naljutili od posljednje posjete. Čini se da je čitava seansa vremena za njega da se izjasni o ovim stvarima koje ja radim i koje ga ljute. On ima očekivanja o tome kako misli da treba da se ponašam ili reagujem i naravno kada ne ispunim ta očekivanja, oseća intenzivnu anksioznost i eksplodira. U tim trenucima ne može kontrolisati svoje riječi i djela. Podiže ton, govori ružne stvari i maltretira me uvredama i optužbama. U ovim trenucima ne mogu ništa učiniti da ga smirim. Ove epizode se obično završavaju tako što on izleti iz kuće i odveze se automobilom oko sat vremena. Ne mogu a da ne osjetim olakšanje kada izađe iz kuće. Kada se vrati kući ponovo sam nervozna i mučnina u stomaku. Nakon što čitam sve više i više o ACOA-i, shvatam da njegov bijes dolazi iz mjesta vrlo duboko u njemu i da mi je možda potrebna pomoć psihijatra ili psihologa. Moj muž trenutno osjeća da sam odustala od našeg braka i da sam već odlučila da odem. Kaže da se nada da će stvari krenuti na bolje i da svaki dan nastavi da uči o sebi. Za mene je to kao da alkoholičar kaže "Nemam problem sa pićem" ili "Obećavam da ću prestati da pijem". Zašto se od mene očekuje da vjerujem u prosudbu nekoga ko je obučen da ignoriše očigledne probleme u svom životu. Osećam se kao da ignoriše stvarnost sa kojom smo borili 2 godine i samo se pogoršavala. Ne želim da povrijedim njegovo osjećanje i ne želim da se osjećam loše zbog toga što je i kako je odrastao. Ne želim da se jednog dana osvrćem i poželim da sam se samo malo više potrudio da uspe. Da li je nečiji brak uništen od strane ACOA Supružnika?[/QUOTE
]yes from my dother
Činjenica je da naša veza nije po čemu ne liči na zdrav brak. Od dana kada smo se upoznali, uvijek je govorio i radio savršene stvari kako bi svi, uključujući mene, povjerovali da je na "savršen momak" i da ima "divan život". Ubrzo nakon našeg vjenčanja, primijetio sam da na "velike priče" ništa ne prati i da ima 2 vrlo različite ličnosti. Postoji savršena ličnost koja je predstavljena našim prijateljima i porodici i postoji apsolutna ličnost čudovišta koju samo vidim kod kuće.
Počeli smo viđati bračnog savjetnika prije otprilike 6 mjeseci i on je također počeo sam da se viđa sa savjetnikom kako bi razgovarao o ACOA. Tokom ovih 6 mjeseci moj muž je naučio mnogo o sebi i priznao razorne posljedice odrastanja u porodici alkoholičara.
Znam da će njegov oporavak biti doživotni izazov, međutim kako se od mene može očekivati da ostanem u ovom braku i podržavam svog muža kada još uvijek ne može kontrolirati svoj bijes/riječi i ponašanje. Kod kuće sam se uslovio da ga se plašim i da hodam po ljusci jajeta kod kuće. Nisam više svoj. Izgubio sam kontakt sa svim prijateljima i porodicom jer se bojim priznati koliko je loše kod kuće.
U posljednje vrijeme osjećam se kao da bračni savjetnik nije u potpunosti shvatio dubinu ACOA mog muža. Moj muž provodi sate u savjetovanju dajući detaljne opise događaja koji su uključeni i koji su ga naljutili od posljednje posjete. Čini se da je čitava seansa vremena za njega da se izjasni o ovim stvarima koje ja radim i koje ga ljute. On ima očekivanja o tome kako misli da treba da se ponašam ili reagujem i naravno kada ne ispunim ta očekivanja, oseća intenzivnu anksioznost i eksplodira. U tim trenucima ne može kontrolisati svoje riječi i djela. Podiže ton, govori ružne stvari i maltretira me uvredama i optužbama. U ovim trenucima ne mogu ništa učiniti da ga smirim. Ove epizode se obično završavaju tako što on izleti iz kuće i odveze se automobilom oko sat vremena. Ne mogu a da ne osjetim olakšanje kada izađe iz kuće. Kada se vrati kući ponovo sam nervozna i mučnina u stomaku. Nakon što čitam sve više i više o ACOA-i, shvatam da njegov bijes dolazi iz mjesta vrlo duboko u njemu i da mi je možda potrebna pomoć psihijatra ili psihologa. Moj muž trenutno osjeća da sam odustala od našeg braka i da sam već odlučila da odem. Kaže da se nada da će stvari krenuti na bolje i da svaki dan nastavi da uči o sebi. Za mene je to kao da alkoholičar kaže "Nemam problem sa pićem" ili "Obećavam da ću prestati da pijem". Zašto se od mene očekuje da vjerujem u prosudbu nekoga ko je obučen da ignoriše očigledne probleme u svom životu. Osećam se kao da ignoriše stvarnost sa kojom smo borili 2 godine i samo se pogoršavala. Ne želim da povrijedim njegovo osjećanje i ne želim da se osjećam loše zbog toga što je i kako je odrastao. Ne želim da se jednog dana osvrćem i poželim da sam se samo malo više potrudio da uspe. Da li je nečiji brak uništen od strane ACOA Supružnika?[/QUOTE
]yes from my dother
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My daughter is married to a person whose parents are alcoholics. She has a sister who works as a pharmacologist in a hospital.
It took us 6 years to realize that it was Acoa. Our 30-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, as well as our grandson, live with my daughter and son-in-law. My wife and I reached that level where we lost communication with our children. Blocked we are on social media and on the phone. We are like toxic parents. The daughter who is married to Aco complained about her health conditions. She has a rash all over her body, hallucinations, confusion.
The son-in-law brought food and drink from his mother, who prepared it. We took a sample of the drink he brought from his mother and tested it for drugs. It was positive for methadone.
is there any way to get my children back. I'm afraid he is drugging the other two children or is it some game of his.
thank you
It took us 6 years to realize that it was Acoa. Our 30-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, as well as our grandson, live with my daughter and son-in-law. My wife and I reached that level where we lost communication with our children. Blocked we are on social media and on the phone. We are like toxic parents. The daughter who is married to Aco complained about her health conditions. She has a rash all over her body, hallucinations, confusion.
The son-in-law brought food and drink from his mother, who prepared it. We took a sample of the drink he brought from his mother and tested it for drugs. It was positive for methadone.
is there any way to get my children back. I'm afraid he is drugging the other two children or is it some game of his.
thank you
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Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 5
My daughter is married to a person whose parents are alcoholics. She has a sister who works as a pharmacologist in a hospital.
It took us 6 years to realize that it was Acoa. Our 30-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, as well as our grandson, live with my daughter and son-in-law. My wife and I reached that level where we lost communication with our children. Blocked we are on social media and on the phone. We are like toxic parents. The daughter who is married to Aco complained about her health conditions. She has a rash all over her body, hallucinations, confusion.
The son-in-law brought food and drink from his mother, who prepared it. We took a sample of the drink he brought from his mother and tested it for drugs. It was positive for methadone.
is there any way to get my children back. I'm afraid he is drugging the other two children or is it some game of his.
It took us 6 years to realize that it was Acoa. Our 30-year-old son and 16-year-old daughter, as well as our grandson, live with my daughter and son-in-law. My wife and I reached that level where we lost communication with our children. Blocked we are on social media and on the phone. We are like toxic parents. The daughter who is married to Aco complained about her health conditions. She has a rash all over her body, hallucinations, confusion.
The son-in-law brought food and drink from his mother, who prepared it. We took a sample of the drink he brought from his mother and tested it for drugs. It was positive for methadone.
is there any way to get my children back. I'm afraid he is drugging the other two children or is it some game of his.
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