Mum is so nasty to me when she has drunk but amazing to me when she hasn't
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Join Date: Jul 2022
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Mum is so nasty to me when she has drunk but amazing to me when she hasn't
I no longer know how to cope.
my mum has had a drink problem for 35+ years but she did quit for 10 years but has been back on it now for 22 years. She used to do it almost every day but now she only does it every now and then so I shouldn't really complain but the trouble is when she does do it she is just horrible to me. She points out all the faults in my personality and all the dreadful ways I behave and the way I speak, all the things I don't do, how thoughtless I am, how I never make her feel loved or special and she just finds any reason to argue with me. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect I obviously struggle with her drinking as I hate it more than I can express and the way it makes her behave and I have in the past argued with her everytime she did it but now I just try and get through the evening without fighting because she is so irrational she could just leave and drive whilst drunk and dissappear or hurt herself so I live in constant fear of when she might drink and what will happen if she does. She has been staying with me and my partner for 2 years since covid hit because when she doesn't drink we are the best of friends and you would think no mother or daughter could be closer. She is my best friend and if she doesn't drink I could spend every minute with her but when she does do it she will do it for 3 or 4 days straight and god knows what might happen in that time and I am scared and beginning to think the things she tells me about myself must actually be true. I thought I was doing everything I could to help her but it appears it is quite the reverse and I am not as nice as I thought I was and I am going mad trying to understand this. What do I do, I feel like I'm going mad and really not wanting to be here. I feel numb to everything other than her insults.
my mum has had a drink problem for 35+ years but she did quit for 10 years but has been back on it now for 22 years. She used to do it almost every day but now she only does it every now and then so I shouldn't really complain but the trouble is when she does do it she is just horrible to me. She points out all the faults in my personality and all the dreadful ways I behave and the way I speak, all the things I don't do, how thoughtless I am, how I never make her feel loved or special and she just finds any reason to argue with me. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect I obviously struggle with her drinking as I hate it more than I can express and the way it makes her behave and I have in the past argued with her everytime she did it but now I just try and get through the evening without fighting because she is so irrational she could just leave and drive whilst drunk and dissappear or hurt herself so I live in constant fear of when she might drink and what will happen if she does. She has been staying with me and my partner for 2 years since covid hit because when she doesn't drink we are the best of friends and you would think no mother or daughter could be closer. She is my best friend and if she doesn't drink I could spend every minute with her but when she does do it she will do it for 3 or 4 days straight and god knows what might happen in that time and I am scared and beginning to think the things she tells me about myself must actually be true. I thought I was doing everything I could to help her but it appears it is quite the reverse and I am not as nice as I thought I was and I am going mad trying to understand this. What do I do, I feel like I'm going mad and really not wanting to be here. I feel numb to everything other than her insults.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Hi Roosty and welcome, glad you found the forum.
First things first - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
When you have a Mother that keeps telling you how awful you are (even just once in a while) that is going to play games in your head. As you are an adult now, you probably have a very good idea of who you are and I hope you don't ever let anyone (not even your Mom!) take that from you. That's yours, that's you, you get to decide.
Living with an alcoholic will never be good or nice, that's just the way it is. Have you thought about your Mom getting her own place again? Now that covid is a little more manageable and you can still see each other whenever you like, that is probably your best bet.
That way you two can stay close and you don't have to deal with her drinking, just don't see her when she's drinking. I know you worry about her but she is a grown woman and she took care of herself before moving in with you and she will again when she moves out.
Having her stay longer could well destroy your relationship in the long run. You are already distressed.
You might also want to read over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, lots of threads there that might be reassuring - you are not alone. Have you checked out Al Anon meetings?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
First things first - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
When you have a Mother that keeps telling you how awful you are (even just once in a while) that is going to play games in your head. As you are an adult now, you probably have a very good idea of who you are and I hope you don't ever let anyone (not even your Mom!) take that from you. That's yours, that's you, you get to decide.
Living with an alcoholic will never be good or nice, that's just the way it is. Have you thought about your Mom getting her own place again? Now that covid is a little more manageable and you can still see each other whenever you like, that is probably your best bet.
That way you two can stay close and you don't have to deal with her drinking, just don't see her when she's drinking. I know you worry about her but she is a grown woman and she took care of herself before moving in with you and she will again when she moves out.
Having her stay longer could well destroy your relationship in the long run. You are already distressed.
You might also want to read over in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum, lots of threads there that might be reassuring - you are not alone. Have you checked out Al Anon meetings?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Join Date: Jul 2022
Posts: 2
Thank you for your kind words and taking the time to answer me.
I have looked into Al-anon but haven't been yet but I think I will go.
my mum does still have her own flat but when she doesn't drink we have the best relationship in the world and love being together so I feel bad complaining about a few days every other week. She says why shouldn't she be allowed to do the one thing in the world that makes her happy and my answer to that is you can but just not around me but then on the other hand if she was at home alone I would be terrified about what she is doing or where she is driving whilst drunk so at least if she is at my house being unkind to me she is safe and not attempting to hurt herself in someway and that is a massive worry for me so I am caught in a catch 22 situation. I can't give up on her and just send her home alone to her unhappiness and tell her to get on with it because she is my world. I will look into what you suggested though so thank you again
I have looked into Al-anon but haven't been yet but I think I will go.
my mum does still have her own flat but when she doesn't drink we have the best relationship in the world and love being together so I feel bad complaining about a few days every other week. She says why shouldn't she be allowed to do the one thing in the world that makes her happy and my answer to that is you can but just not around me but then on the other hand if she was at home alone I would be terrified about what she is doing or where she is driving whilst drunk so at least if she is at my house being unkind to me she is safe and not attempting to hurt herself in someway and that is a massive worry for me so I am caught in a catch 22 situation. I can't give up on her and just send her home alone to her unhappiness and tell her to get on with it because she is my world. I will look into what you suggested though so thank you again
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
You're very welcome. I hope you will keep posting, lots of support here for you.
There is a book that is the most often recommended to family and friends, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It talks about boundaries in relationships for instance (all relationships). It's an easy read and you might find it really helpful as you work your way through this.
Remember you can't control this, you can't control your Mom either. Accepting her just the way she is, is key. She is an alcoholic, doing what alcoholics do (drinking). You won't make her stop drinking and driving, or getting drunk or being abusive, these are way out of your control. Once you accept that, you will find more peace in your life. We really can't change people and to try is really lacking respect for them (no matter how poor we think their choices are).
If you do try to control this you will drive yourself crazy (and probably her too).
She's in a catch22. She wants to drink, you don't want her to go home but you don't want to "allow" her to drink either. Frankly I'm surprised she hasn't bolted back to her flat already. This is really about you, not her, she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do. That isn't meant in a harsh way, in case it sounds like it is.
There is a book that is the most often recommended to family and friends, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. It talks about boundaries in relationships for instance (all relationships). It's an easy read and you might find it really helpful as you work your way through this.
Remember you can't control this, you can't control your Mom either. Accepting her just the way she is, is key. She is an alcoholic, doing what alcoholics do (drinking). You won't make her stop drinking and driving, or getting drunk or being abusive, these are way out of your control. Once you accept that, you will find more peace in your life. We really can't change people and to try is really lacking respect for them (no matter how poor we think their choices are).
If you do try to control this you will drive yourself crazy (and probably her too).
She says why shouldn't she be allowed to do the one thing in the world that makes her happy and my answer to that is you can but just not around me but then on the other hand if she was at home alone I would be terrified about what she is doing
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Roosty
I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
I have two sisters. The older one sounds like your mother. The younger one is her codependent patsy/flying monkey and has an attitude of her own.
Six years ago they started a war with me over a movie I saw at the local theatre. At that time, I was tallying up several years of nastiness from them.
I blocked them on all social media, went on with my life and never looked back.
After that, they did several things that convinced me that I had made the right decision. I almost filed a restraining order against the older sister.
As Trailmix said, you will do what is right for you.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation.
I have two sisters. The older one sounds like your mother. The younger one is her codependent patsy/flying monkey and has an attitude of her own.
Six years ago they started a war with me over a movie I saw at the local theatre. At that time, I was tallying up several years of nastiness from them.
I blocked them on all social media, went on with my life and never looked back.
After that, they did several things that convinced me that I had made the right decision. I almost filed a restraining order against the older sister.
As Trailmix said, you will do what is right for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2024
Posts: 1
I’ve just read this and it honestly mirrors my exact situation with my mum - she’s my best friend when she’s sober, but she’s horrible when drunk ☹️
I don’t know what to do. She tried to start on me/ punch me earlier and my little brother had to get in the way to stop her. I just don’t know how to deal with it.
I don’t know what to do. She tried to start on me/ punch me earlier and my little brother had to get in the way to stop her. I just don’t know how to deal with it.
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