Taking your abusive parent to Court.

[utopia]

Hi, I'm thinking of taking my father to Court for the rape and physical/sexual/emotional abuse he put me through as a child. I live in Australia. I would really appreciate others strength experience and hope in this.

I have three things in mind

Laying charges.
Wanting him in jail.
Wanting to sue him for therapy and emotional damages.

Ive been in recovery for four and a bit years and in therapy of one kind or another since i was 16.

im now 24 and find that i keep coming up across this anger, at dates, friends, when i really am angry at only one rejection/abandonment/disrepect/violation of my basic human rights. i dont feel i can really ever trust or love fully until i publicly denounce what he did. i dont want an apology as much as i want justice.

i feel more ready to handle it and all the possibilities. the insensitive law process, the accusations, the validity of my memories, clear and repressed, the possible abandonment of me from my sister (who is in denial) and maybe even my mother (who i feel will want me to move on from the past due to her guilt to being unable to protect us all).

i dont feel im dragging up the past anymore because everday i live the effects of what hes done every day of my life its there, this ache, this pain, this wound, feeling like a victim. i want justice. justice of some sort. and i feel he should be held legally accountable for his actions.

so......i need your support, your stories, your help. cant do this without the love of my higher power or your wisdom. any stories about what this process has been like for people would be much appreciated or, anything. i cant express how alone i feel with only the higher power right now.

thanks.:praying

[Done_With_It]

I have no experience with that type of thing exactly. I was drugged and when reporting it to the police it was pretty tough, a lot tougher than I expected.

Was just a juror on a jury trial, and I watched what they put people through, I would just say be 'prepared' for them to really make you out to be the perpetrator not the victim.
But you kind of said you were prepared for that. I think?

I think if you are 'Mentally' prepared for it, then you should do what you need to do.
I think lawyers are damaging in their own right.
I'd be behind you whatever you decide..

Big hugs....

[fraankie]

forget it
i talk from experience
Wanting to sue him for therapy and emotional damages

as in find a lawyer who is going to take an emotionally damaged person as a client
then the lawyer has to find a jury / judge who will award an emotionally damaged individual money
as in
she's sick, she's an acloholic
she wants the old man's money

i asked my psyche once if he would testify
he said " i wouldn't make a good witness
as in
"yeah, i'll testify that you are seeing a psychiatrist for psychological issues"

then once you get that far
there's "the sting"
Correctional Compass May 2000 - Sting!.htm

Step 11: The Rumor
A well-placed rumor is devastating to anyone's reputation. It creates doubt in the minds of everyone, even in the people who state their disbelief. Disbelievers will still walk away with a gut feeling that there must be some truth to the rumor, or it would not have been generated.

Inmates will start the rumor in a way that will not bring attention to them; usually, in an area away from the victim's work. This lessens the chances of the rumor being associated to the inmates and allows the rumor to gain strength. The rumor will create a feeling of isolation in the subject of the rumor and create a strengthening of the bond between the inmate and the intended victim.


TURNOUT
and you wind yp like me
a victim

[Easeful]

I'm sorry you're hurting from this.

First thing I'd do is to check the statue of limitations. I think in this country there's a cap on how far back you can go in time and accuse someone of a crime.

In my case there's the issue of proof. A he said, she said situation. Anyone who could corroborate the abuse is dead. And let's face it if they knew at the time and failed to protect me, they probably woulnd't make a very good witness in court.

I'm just now confronting my own issues on this subject but my thoughts today are that punishing him is not going to heal me.

Wishing you well in whatever you choose.

[GiveLove]

Utopia,

Have you thought about talking to a competent attorney who has dealt with familial abuse cases, and asking her what it all might entail, what kind of flaming hoops you'll be put through, what proof you will need, and what your chances of success might be?

What he did was horrible, of that there's no doubt. I for one would love to find a way to punish those who sexually assaulted me (and felt no remorse when one died of an extremely painful brain cancer). But there is a fine line between justice and vengeance. Only you can know where your toes are, and whether -- deep down, in your calmest and most centered moments, in your most detached and happy minutes in life -- you feel that you will truly be healed by going through this process. It may seem like the shortcut to healing....but is it?

Have you considered other options for airing what he did, like publishing articles/books/poetry? I know many who have found catharsis in that. I know that getting it out on paper was one of the key elements in my own healing. I don't harbor that constant ache any more. They can all go straight to he||.

Know that we are all behind you no matter what you decide. I just hate for you to go through any more suffering than you already have.

Hugs to you
GL

[Growing]

Originally Posted by GiveLove

Utopia,

Have you thought about talking to a competent attorney who has dealt with familial abuse cases, and asking her what it all might entail, what kind of flaming hoops you'll be put through, what proof you will need, and what your chances of success might be?

Know that we are all behind you no matter what you decide. I just hate for you to go through any more suffering than you already have.

((((utopia))))

I agree with GL. I don't have experience with this, really. I was molested by 2 seperate people. The first phase of relief came for me when I trully let my HP "have it"...I gave my molestation to Him...trully put it in His hands. My second stage of relief came in telling someone I trusted what happened. Just knowing that the secret was out...and that the person I told loved me anyway was a great comfort to me.

Just want you to know I care...sending hugs and support your way...we are here for you.

Thank you for sharing about your HP. I couldn't make it one day without mine. Glad to know we share this.

Behind you come what may!

[splendra]

((((Utopia)))))

I hope you do whatever seems right for you. I thought about doing something like that against a relative and he up and died so there wasn't much I could do about it except deal with it.

There is another relative who was also abusive with me that I actually sat down and talked with them about it. It was not easy to do. I found that they were actually abused by the same relative that I had considered taking to court. So I could see that it was handed down. This other relative and I decided that the older relative who died must have also been abused which helped us both to feel more like forgiving this person so we could move on.

What seemed true for me at the time is that I needed therapy so that I would not become an abuser and to learn to love myself so I could allow myself to heal. I do not know if this other relative ever sought treatment. I think it is much harder for a person to seek treatment if they have abused a child for fear of prosecution.

You be extra gentle with yourself while you sort this thru. love ya babe...

[GingerM]

I have one small question:

By taking him to court, are you focussing on you and your recovery? Or are you focussing on the relative and punishing them?

It seems like it would be difficult to focus on myself and my own recovery if I am entangling myself once more in the one person who got me into the situation in the first place. That is just me, and we all walk different paths, so perhaps for you, court would be something focussed on you and your own recovery. For me, it would just restart the same old cycle.

One other question for you:

If you take the relative to court and win, and the relative goes to jail for, say 5 years, what then? What do you do then? What do you do when the relative gets out? What do you say to other family members?

I often find, when I'm thinking about doing something retaliatory (not saying you are) that if I ask myself "what then?" and try to come up with a reasonable result, it really wouldn't do me any good, even if I was successful.

[fraankie]

I'm sorry you're hurting from this

who's hurting?
it's reality
and
a "move on with your life"


good post
One other question for you:

If you take the relative to court and win, and the relative goes to jail for, say 5 years, what then? What do you do then? What do you do when the relative gets out? What do you say to other family members?

I often find, when I'm thinking about doing something retaliatory (not saying you are) that if I ask myself "what then?" and try to come up with a reasonable result, it really wouldn't do me any good, even if I was successful.


i faced similar situations
and
you are rught
if she wants to follow the program
she can do the serenity prayer about 35, 000 times
work the steps
1st, 3rd, and 4th
eventually feel guilty it is her fault
she can even do an 8th and make amends to her father for making him do it
lots of "i've decided to let go and let god sharing at meetings"
get a lot of "you are powerless" suggestion from others
even a "I've decided not to pursue it because we are family'
like i have done
but
what if the shoe was on the other foot?????????????????????????????????????????????
and
"they want to entangling themselves once more in the one person who got them into the situation in the first place."
and
they don't go to AA
gee, no program, for them to follow
no serenity prayer
etc
they are not "ask myself "what then?" and try to come up with a reasonable result
no "let go of the past" suggestions for them
more or less,
they calling a lawyer to make an appointment right now
and they are going to pursue it
and
and they areg oing to court for years to "win"
they say to other family members, "she belongs in jail"

hey, two sides to every story
sometimes, the truth of the other side is never "listened to"


best
fraankie

[Grace2u]

Utopia,

My closest friend was raped repeatedly by her father when she was a child. He would then hand her a bed pillow, lock her in a closet, and tell her to cry into the pillow so no one would hear her. If she was heard, he would beat her.

Like you, she wanted to take him to court, but by then he was in his 90's and too feeble to get out of bed. So she decided what she really wanted was "closure". For her, that meant to confront him.

So she went to his house and he was waiting for her. They hadn't seen one another since she was a child, and at this time, she was 17 (her mother had finally divorced him when my friend was still young).

She said to him, "I just have one thing to say to you. Why?"

He couldn't answer her. He said nothing, but she could see the shame, the pain in his eyes. She turned around and left.

She processed this for a few days, then told me that in the end, at that moment when she was face to face with him, all the rage drained out of her, and she felt nothing for him but pity. He was so absolutely pathetic, so self-condemned and living in his own private hell, she lost her anger.

I can't help you with your decision. But I can just say my opinion, that in this universe, we do ultimately reap what we sow. Bad acts create bad karma I think. Whether you pursue your father in court or not, he will pay, and will pay dearly. There is a cosmic justice.

Sending much love and support your way!

[best]

Utopia

Revenge as a motive doesn't cause the pain to go away.
The realizing he is a sick person and needs to find help and then searching inside of yourself to try and forgive him will help you heal and remove the pain.
If he is still a danger to others... that would be a reason to bring such an issue before the courts.

Write out a letter to him.
In the letter tel him how much his inappropriate actions have hurt you.
As you find it in yourself, tell him you forgive him and understand he needs to seek help.
Share what is inside of you on paper. Read it over a few times. Pray about if you should send it or not and then when you feel you have the right words written out...send it to him or burn it in the fire and strive to move on past things.
His actions were wrong and they affected your young life. You can live in the past and let his actions of the past continue to hurt or you can let go by seeking to forgive him.
Forgiving him doesn't mean things are ok. It means you no longer hold the hate towards him. You no longer let the past run your today.
He is sick and he was wrong.
You are growing past things and I hope that he is not a danger to others and has stopped his evil ways.
Today, you are you. Don't let his actions of yesterday get in your way of being the best you can be. You are worth better.

[fraankie]

this is a really absorbing thread
forgiveness

let's go to the wikipedia:

Forgiveness
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to: navigation, search
For other uses, see Forgiveness (disambiguation).
Emotions
Basic
Anger
Fear
Sadness
Happiness
Disgust
Interest


Others
Acceptance
Affection
Aggression
Ambivalence
Annoyance
Apathy
Anxiety
Boredom
Compassion
Confusion
Contempt
Curiosity
Depression
Disappointment
Doubt
Ecstasy
Empathy
Envy
Embarrassment
Euphoria
Forgiveness
Frustration
Gratitude
Grief
Guilt
Hatred
Hope
Horror
Hostility
Homesickness
Hunger
Hysteria
Jealousy
Loneliness
Paranoia
Pity
Pleasure
Pride
Rage
Regret
Remorse
Revenge
Shame
Suffering
Surprise
Sympathy
Vanity


v • d • e
Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution[1]. This definition, however, is subject to much philosophical critique. Forgiveness may be considered simply in terms of the person who forgives, in terms of the person forgiven and/or in terms of the relationship between the forgiver and the person forgiven. In some contexts, it may be granted without any expectation of compensation, and without any response on the part of the offender (for example, one may forgive a person who is dead). In practical terms, it may be necessary for the offender to offer some form of acknowledgment, apology, and/or restitution, or even just ask for forgiveness, in order for the wronged person to believe they are able to forgive.[1]

Most world religions include teachings on the nature of forgiveness, and many of these teachings provide an underlying basis for many varying modern day traditions and practices of forgiveness. However, throughout the ages, philosophers have studied forgiveness apart from religion. In addition, as in other areas of human inquiry, science is beginning to question religious concepts of forgiveness. Psychology, sociology and medicine are among the scientific disciplines researching forgiveness or aspects of forgiveness. Instances of teachings on forgiveness such as the parable of the Prodigal Son[2] and Mahatma Gandhi's forgiveness of his assassin as he lay dying, are well known instances of such teachings and practices of forgiveness. Some religious doctrines or philosophies place greater emphasis on the need for humans to find some sort of divine forgiveness for their own shortcomings, others place greater emphasis on the need for humans to practice forgiveness between one another, yet others make little or no distinction between human and/or divine forgiveness.

[fraankie]

Assuming you're not pregnant, in jail, and there's no body in your basement, I don't think I'll mind." - Alex Keyes
"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future" - Paul Boese
"Forgiveness is the answer to the child's dream of a miracle by which what is broken is made whole again, what is soiled is again made clean." - Dag Hammarskjold
"Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it" - Mark Twain
"Forgiveness is the last resort, after victory seems impossible, or trivial" - Anonymous
"He who forgives ends the quarrel." - Anonymous
"If one knows thee not or a blind man scolds thee, do not become angry." - Anonymous (claimed to be an African proverb by The Journal of Negro History, Vol. I. Jan. 1916[1])
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission." - Colin Powell (paraphrased from "It's much easier to apologize than it is to get permission." - Admiral Grace Hopper)
"Parents may forgive their child anything, but life won't." - Leonid S. Sukhorukov, All About Everything (2005)
"To understand is not only to pardon, but in the end to love." - Walter Lippmann
Revenge is the most sincere form of forgiveness. - Italian Proverb.
"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." - Mahatma Gandhi

[Done_With_It]

{{Utopia}}
Just thinking about you

[Bernadette]

Hey Utopia-
You can still work on forgiveness AND prosecute someone who BROKE the law by violating your underage body...IDK....most other posters seem to think these are mutually exclusive. I don't. If it was a stranger who had done these things to you you wouldn't hesitate to pursue justice, why do we let the human beings we have to call "family" (we did not choose them after all) off the hook for all manner of transgressions - we chalk it up to alcohol or we let it slide because they are family....

Whatever you decide just know that the fact that you have come this far in recognizing how this is affecting you and your current relationships means a lot. You're growing and searching for the right way to heal yourself. Brava, brava!!!

Only you can decide what steps will bring you peace. I wish you luck and send a hug out to you and all the other little girls in the world who have or will face this CRIME in their childhoods....

[GingerM]

I can only speak for myself on this matter, but I would like to clarify that the decision of whether or not to prosecute is up to Utopia. Any questions I asked were done with the sincerest of wishes that whatever action Utopia takes is done with eyes wide open and not detrimental to the recovery process.

[utopia]

thanks im actually a man. thought my father raped my sister and mother as well, i cant press charges for them. i feel this is still happening and would liek to use this post to update the progress of how it all goes. feel u with me. thanks

[Bernadette]

Hi Utopia-- Wow - Well my gender bias was showing there!! I apologize.

I wish you strength in whatever you choose to do...I feel like every person who stands up and shouts "I'm not going to take this anymore!" whether it's in the courts, or at a meeting, or on these forums, sends a powerful message to all those suffering in silence...I know for me, it took many years, and many voices, like little drips of water slowly filling a bucket, before I could finally truly own and spell out all the problems I had let fester due to my relationships w/ alcoholics, and give things their true names without shame. Many, many people, even unsuspecting people, gave me courage by their own fearless actions / speaking out...as you have done right here...

obviously your goal is healing, healing this one particular injustice and then beyond...and I wish you the best as you find your own true path to the freedom that healing brings!!
B.

[utopia]

thanks so much everyone....had a very long few tormented days. have thought about it muchly. am going to a convention in my city alanon aa that i think is going to help me make a final choice...i have definitely decided to have him listed so that should anyone else come forward about his abuse that they will have me listed as having marred him for the same crime. however this would not lead to court or a charge or my father beining notified.....charging would lead to court and my family on the stand.....i maybe selfrighteous here but because i love my sister and mother and do not want to put them through the ordeal of being questioned and tormented by the court process (they were there at the time i was raped but sister in total denial)..because unlike my father who is insane and self centred i want my family to not go through the **** of being harassed by lawyers and the years of court trials (like when my parents fought for custody).... its not about them even knowing it or being a martyr...itsmaybe me rising above this victim,retribution anger and rage which may always be there and being a better man than my father, a bigger man, a real man. a real family member......they have no program and no concept of the unhealthy dysfunction in our family.....i see its perhaps just not worth it anymore....i feel like im visiting them ina loony ward when i meet them cos truth be told, they are different people today then when i grew up and just sick.......there is a lot of step 2 going on.....there is alot of release, letting go.................maybe i jus tneed to let this go and find someone to give my love to and let them love me in return.....lord knows my father has made himself a hell. i have a growing urge to run to higher power...i think this convention is going to be a huge decision maker for me. x

[GingerM]

I wish you progress and peace Utopia, in going to the convention and in wrestling with this decision.

I wholeheartedly agree with your reasoning for listing him, so that any others who did want to come forward would know there was another person who had already done so.

I, too, was molested at a young age, but it was not a family member, and we moved shortly afterwards. I have no idea what ever happened to the guy, but I often wonder if he's sitting in jail somewhere (not a malicious wondering) and I wonder how many other victims he had. I didn't even know his name, so I couldn't do what you're doing now.

Know that we're here for you.