first post here

[ebj]

Hello,

I am a 57 year old man that has been sober for over ten years. I was given up by my mother to two raging alcoholics when I was six months old. I was mentally and physically abused. I started drinking when I was nine years old and I took to it immediately. I was told frequently that someone as awful as me was lucky to be where I was because I would not be tolerated anywhere else. I was going to Alanon, ACOA and AA up until about five years ago. I am going to an Alanon meeting Sunday morning.

After I was in recovery for a while some mental illnesses that I had been self-medicating with alcohol emerged. I’m Bi-polar and I have sever Adult ADD and a couple more. When I do work I can only work part-time. I will leave the rest of that issue for another forum.

Seven years ago after I was three years sober my wife stated that the reason we were married so long was because of her ability to “tolerate” me. I took to the couch and stopped having sex right up until now as I am writing this.

I need to say right up front that I cannot talk to my wife about any marriage issues without being verbally abused. She will say something and then the next day she will say that she never said it.

So why am I writing? In my mind she has turned into my mother. When I am around her I feel ashamed of myself. I find myself trying to say the right things so she won’t shame me. I feel like I am walking on egg shells. And like my parents she has never there for me emotionally. She has an eating disorder and became obese. One of the other reasons I stopped having sex. Enough about her.

I am terrified to leave her. I was in denial about how unhappy I was with the marriage and now that I want to be with someone that would treat me better, or just not be in a relationship for a while. I am having depression and panic attacks. I have worked part time on and off over the last ten years or so.

I have some t-shirt shops on the internet that brings in some money. She is the one that has a full time job and as I take six different medications to help me with my issues I need the health insurance.

So that’s where I am. An ACoA who is re-living his childhood through his marriage.

Thanks for being there.

ebj

[Growing]

Hello and Welcome ebj..

I am glad you are here.

I understand to some degree, the A.D.D., depression and panic attacks. I want to let you know that I hear you. You didn't deserve what happened to you growing up. It was wrong.

I also believe that in time you can make the changes you want to make. There are people in the world who have your conditions, or are very similar, and they don't have a spouse...So somehow they meet their needs...But I can guess that they have ALOT of help and support and they have become comfortable with reaching out.

My eldest brother is mentally handicapped, had a nervous breakdown at 18yrs old and developed schizophrenia from there. There is no way my mom could afford his treatments, physchiatrist, counseling, medication ect. So my brother is involved with the state mental health system...he lives at home but has many social activities through the state programs. It isn't "great" but he recieves the treatment he needs. We are satisfied. I would never place him in a state home...but that is a different topic.

One of the first steps for me is building a support network. Support groups that are free like the ones you mentioned...phone numbers from friends I meet there...actually calling them...realizing that they are also human and not expecting way too much...but being consistent. Learning how to be a good friend and how to support others. Over time...getting a sponsor in alanon, aa, acoa, ect.

Over time...possibly therapy with therapist(s)...finding the therapist that is right for me even if I have to try 10 different ones. Researching what my options are in how to afford counseling, ect. Asking questions here at SR is great!

One thing I have learned is I have to REALLY want to change. If I am not ready to do whatever it takes....I need to wait until I am. I know this his extremely difficult...basically you are talking a complete lifestyle change...but I have learned not to get overwhelmed...how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time....

Just my mental wanderings....I would focus on getting help for the anxiety first....then I would focus on getting a job...is it possible to find a job where your A.D.D. can work for you?...setting myself up for seperation...becoming independent...doesn't matter how long it takes...make one move in the right direction. And spoil yourself silly after each positive move you make.

You are worthy. You have skills the world needs. You are wanted. You just haven't met the people that want you yet...or you did but overlooked them...but they are out there looking for you. The universe is a generous universe if you set yourself up to receive. Your parents and your wife are missing out...but that is THEIR problem...not yours...you are not broken or faulty...your mental issues give you compassion for others and inner strength to persevere in the face of difficulty...you listened and believed people who didn't have your best interests at heart. You don't have to listen to them anymore and you don't have to let them define you.

You have already accomplished the important first step of becoming aware of what is going on. You are on the road to recovery. Glad to be on this road with you, my friend. Please keep us posted and ask questions.

[ebj]

Thank you

[Wascally Wabbit]

What an awful thing to have to live through. Unfortunately, it's all too common.
My mother was a hateful drunk for a long time.
Eventually, I got away from her, but it affected me in so many ways. I couldn't function like a "normal" person.

I got help and now, I am not the same person. I no longer allow myself to be abused. It is out of the question for me. It was something I always thought I deserved, but the truth about alcoholism set me free. I am a very worthy good human being no matter what an alcoholic or a psychotic antisocial person might think.

It's good that you reach out for help. We can't do it alone.
Have you been to an alanon meeting? It's quite different from AA. You learn coping skills, and you make friends.

Keep coming back and post away. Posting helps so very much and there are so many good people here. Look at other boards too, like friends and family of alcoholics.
I post on several of them.
I learn from others experiences. Don't think that things can't or won't change for you.
If you want it bad enough and you're willing to make it happen, you'll begin a lifelong journey to peace and sanity.

[GiveLove]

Hi ebj,

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position.

I can't add anything to the excellent stuff that Growing wrote. The part of it that is most important for ME ---- being a person who was terribly afraid of big changes -- was taking small steps, tiny small bites. Even just one small step a week toward something better made me feel more human and more self-reliant. For example, talking to people or reading up or making phone calls to find out about some sort of health coverage could represent a dozen or more small steps -- all good ones that move you in the right direction.

If you can move toward a self-sufficiency of some kind, then you can freely decide whether you want to stay in your current situation or not.

If you can find some sort of affordable counselor that can be there to help you through the emotional quicksand with support and ideas, that's a great thing too.

But mostly, take a deep breath and prepare yourself for a "long journey of a thousand steps" which begins here, today, and ends with a future that makes you feel much better about being alive.

Take care of yourself
GL