Support please..4th step.

[Growing]

I need some support today. Hope you don't mind a vent:

Since my self-described codie "slip" that landed me back in the rooms of 12steps...I am seeing myself for what feels like the first time...and it is ugly..most days. I am not beating myself up...I am just being honest. I need to admit this.

I remember when I did my first "Blueprint for Progress"...it scared the total cr*p out of me. I am back to that space...except...I don't even have the denial I had back then to fall back on! Which is good...

So...I will probably be working on 4step work for a while.....I just need to hear that I will make it through this...it is blinding right now with the light my HP is shining on my condition...not just on SR but in my daily life as a whole...my eyes haven't adjusted yet.

So I just need care and support....and asking for it is huge for me, today.

Please be gentle....LOL

[anvilhead]

remember the 4th step is an INVENTORY....taking stock.....a fact finding mission if you will. sure a lot of icky stuff comes up, but ya can't a plant a garden unless you do some diggin first........

[AbsentFriend]

I'm still new to this, so take it with a grain of salt, but this is how I look at it when I am admitting my faults, nutty thinking, etc.: I am not my thoughts. I am not my emotions. I am not even the self-criticism. I, the part of me that is aware of the thoughts and feelings and behavior, have the power to become more and more aware of these things and to choose differently.

It keeps me honest without giving in to the self-defeat.

Of course, easier said than done, and it takes a lot of practice. I'm finding it nearly impossible to be "aware" when I am emotionally triggered right now, and can only acknowledge my distorted perception after the damage is done, after the argument, or whatever.

[Wascally Wabbit]

I have done this. It is not as scarey as I thought it would be. I think that many alanoners keep hearing that it is terrifying, and scarey that we automatically think we will "suffer" through this step too!
I do not discount the fact that some do have a hard time with it, but, it is for our healing and our growth. It winds up being an eye opener that changes us for the better.
You hang in there girl. You are doing so well. This is just another step on the ladder to recovery. The attitude we have going into it makes all the difference.

[Growing]

Love you guys!

[DesertEyes]

Hey there Growing

I _love_ doing fourth steps; I feel _so_ much better afterward it's amazing.

One of my sponsors taught me that I do _not_ have character "defects". What I have is character _traits_. It's how I choose to _use_ those traits that turns them into defects or virtues.

I have a lot of empathy for people; that is a "trait". If I use that empathy to drive me to worry, to try and control people so they don't make mistakes they could learn from, it's become "controlling". That is a defect. If I take that empathy to make me a good friend that listens to people in pain and help those who can't do something for themselves then it's "compassion", and a virtue.

A fourth step is not about _you_. It's about how you apply yourself to the challenges of life, it's about your behaviors and learned responses.

Am I making sense?

Mike

[GiveLove]

Growing,

I too have learned to love the 4th step work. It does NOT have to be torment....it's just an unfamiliar territory at first.

The question that I eventually had to ask myself is (and you've heard me on this topic before) "What kind of human being do I really want to be?" When I look back on my life at 80 or 90, what do I want to be able to say about myself? For me, it would be things like: I had unshakeable integrity; I didn't run away from my problems; I was courageous, creative, encouraging to the people I loved, and on and on.

I COULD NOT HOPE TO BECOME THIS PERSON WITHOUT THE 4TH STEP. The 4th step is and was the way for me to identify where my day-to-day behaviors and reactions were interfering with my ability to become this person I want to be.

It is my chance to take a deep breath, shine a light on myself and see where I can make small adjustments (or big on a good day) to come closer to being a person I can be proud of, and a person who I can love with all my heart, warts and all.

It takes a bit of courage, Growing, and the willingness to not take everything as being grave and serious. Even the worst, most dastardly fault you can find in yourself is still just Information. Not the end of the world ---- just Information to help you find a better way on the journey.

Baby steps, my friend. You will be fine.

XOX
GL

[Growing]

You guys have taught me...I am not my defects! What a relief! My defects do not define me...I am the person who is "aware" like absentfriend said. Majority rules here! My defects aren't permanent either. I can work with my HP to REMOVE these defects of character. I wish there were a "blueprint" for our positive traits....guess I could make my own!