TootsEagle

I have a couple other postings on this forum, I am new to learning about acoa. I think my boyfriend is acoa. Has anyone who is acoa worked through recovery with the partner they were with when they were working on recovery or did the partner help them realize they were acoa. From reading posts where acoas say they realized they needed to start working on themselves, they get out of their current ralationship. Did any acoas find that after they started working on themselves that their partner was not such a bad person as they thought they were before they started working on themselves? What came first the chicken or the egg? Did the unresolved issues of acoa contribute to the relationship problems or did problems with the relationship cause the acoa behaviors to some to the surface? I don’t know if this even makes sense

I am afraid because I have been recommended to learn about acoa, share this information with my bf. But I am afraid to do this. It seems that many acoa who are confronted with this information from there partner find faults with them. I am afraid to make the emotional effort and then become the bad guy. If I stay in this relationship I can not ignore these acoa behaviors, they are real and hurtful to both of us. By posting this maybe I am hoping to hear a success story where both the acoa and the non acoa worked through recovery and they did not end the relationship.

Christmas is here and I see him pulling away. I do not know how many more special events I usually look forward to will not be a pleasant memory because he is closing me out – again.

Growing

Are you, as a couple, going to counseling?

TootsEagle

yes we have gone to couples therapy a few times. We went earlier in the relationship. we thought it was because it was the gettng to know each other problems. it was a new relationship. we would go a couple times, things would seem better and we would stop going. we would have another blow out and we would go again. after a while i saw a pattern, things would be going great and tehn something would get him upset and he would withdraw and not be able to talk about it. i would reach out, tell him I care, ask him what is wrong. we would talk about what was bothering him, we would make up.. because we could make up on our own we did not talk about going to therapy anymore.

early on he would admit he needs to work on things, he needs to face situations and not close out situations and people. but after a while he started saying it was something i did that made him react a certain way. if i would change then he would not react that way. in another breath he says, he is the way he is, doesn't like it but can't do anything about it. this is why i started reading about some of his behaviours. it seems like he is comfortable as a victim but also does not want to be seen as a victim but does nothing to change things.

I love him and want him to be happy with our relationship and himself. how do i bring up that i think there are teh acoa iisues he needs to work on without having him think i am blaming him for some of our problems. how do i focus on wokring on teh relationship and take care of myself at the same time?

DesertEyes

Hey there Toots, and welcome to this wonderful website

I once married a charming young ACoA. She was raised by very violent people and so was I. We went to therapy, meetings and went on to have a wonderful marriage. Twenty years later she got addicted to drugs, but the time before the drugs was _heaven_. So yes, mine is a "success" story.

Currently, I've been dating another, charming young ACoA. We're both working on our issues in separate groups. Having started pre-marital counseling yet, but it's in the plan. So far it's only been a year, and it's been great.

As far as your particular boyfriend, nobody here can predict his future over the web. My suggestion is that _you_ find a therapist you can see individually than can help you answer your questions.

From what you describe, it sounds to me like he is not respecting your needs in the relationship, and he is not accepting his part in the problems you guys are having. In the program of al-anon we say that he is not respecting your "boundaries". So my next suggestion is that you call al-anon and have them find you a meeting that is convenient to you. Pick up some of their books and read up on the concept of boundaries. You'll find a lot of concrete examples in those books as to how other people have communicated and established their needs in their own relationship.

The more you read up on "boundaries", and the more examples you hear from other people, the easier it will be for you to figure out what specifict aproach will work with your specific boyfriend. Am I making sense with all that?

Mike

Growing

My husband is a non-acoa.

I started al-anon 2yrs after we were married and learned about acoa after that.

Also, my husband and I went to counseling for a while after we were married.

So, yes, like Mike said, there are success stories.

I agree with everything Mike said.

Al-anon is a great place for you to start focusing on you and leading by example.

He *may* become interested in al-anon if he sees you going. But even if he doesn't, the program will help *you*. The relationship improving will come after that. I know *all* of my relationships improved after I started al-anon because I learned so much about boundaries.

Al-anon is for people whose lives have been affected by alcohol and yours has, as strange as that may seem, because your boyfriend, who you care deeply about, is acoa.

Wascally Wabbit

That's what I belive from what I read. The problem with codependant people is we always think we can fix everyone when we can't.
Begging for therapy and hoping the recognize their behavior won't happen. Not until their own life becomes unmanagable.
So, in the mean time, focus on yourself and how you can keep your own self from going crazy, and having to feel unappreciated.

TootsEagle

thank you for sharing and your advice. I started to read about boundaries and will continue to educe myself & take care of myself. I am new to all of these terms and behaviours - i do not know if he is acoa, an alcoholic, has some type of personality dissorder or something else. the key message i got from what you wrote is that he is not respecting my needs in the relationship and needs to start accepting his part in the problems. until he is willing to do this on his own, i can only take care of myself. the hard part is when someone writes about being a codependant - wanting to fix someone. it seems natural to want to help someone you love. whimsically - said it well when he said 'feeling uappreciated' - that is how i feel.

GiveLove

toots,

Do you appreciate YOURSELF though? Or is what he does/doesn't do the thing that makes or breaks your happiness? Sure you love him, but do you love yourself more?

That's what working on us is about. My life used to revolve around how my significant other treated me and treated that fragile thing called "us." I came to see that I treated myself pretty shabbily, and desperately needed him to behave a certain way in the relationship in order to feel okay. I was more concerned about him and about staying together no matter what, than I was about my own happiness.

That's what that inner work does...educates us and strengthens us so we can see the situation clearly. It definitely makes a light go on.

And helping someone is not the same as fixing them. When someone comes to me and says, "I would like your help doing XYZ, can you help me?" it is a VERY different thing than me standing there, identifying what I think HIS problem is, and providing him with an encyclopedia of answers ------ before he even asks for my help. That's fixing. Does he want to be fixed? Or are you doing it to feel more secure? That's what the book Codependent No More is good for...lots of eye-opening things to think about there. You can usually find a used copy for about a dollar on abebooks.com or free at the library.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person to have those traits. It just means you're learning about yourself, and that's a good thing.

Good luck,
GL