13 Characteristics of Adult Children

[skinner]

SomewhereinTime:

I am a really new nebie here (looks like you too) and I just read these 13 charactaristics yesterday...........I wasn't even in a "bad" mood and I started to cry because so many of these hit home. It sounds like we have a lot in common. I too have a very understanding and caring person in my life right now..........and I too "slip". The last slip almost made him leave me.........and what's so sick about that is I almost felt relieved when he was ready to leave because being abandoned felt "normal". I don't know HOW to interact with someone who is patient, loving and unconditionally there for me. It's not that I WANT to be abandoned, but it just feels normal. I am lucky that this wonderful man IS still around, but if I don't "fix" my issues..........it wouldn't be fair for me to expect him NOT to leave.

Here's to finding those "fixes"

[shawn99]

Wow Me To A T!!!

[Beautiful]

Just browsing through and found this thread to be something I need to put in my arsenal of tricks. Thanks for the info!

[StandingStrong]

While not all of these apply, I've been searching in my own family and myself for answers to many things. These characteristics listed do help, but of course, being individuals they may not all apply.
I guess the point I'm getting at is what a previous poster said about dysfunction being dysfuntion. Very true regardless of the use of alcohol or other drugs in a family.
For myself, my parents are not A's and neither am I. However, my brother is as well as my husband. When my brother went to a rehab hospital, they requested a family counseling meeting. At that meeting, the counselor made my mom very angry because he explained that although my mother is not an A, she has the characteristics of one. At the time, I didn't understand that and neither did she. I now see it, not only in her but some of her siblings (my grandfather was an alcoholic). Actually both of my grandfathers were and I can see how that affected both of my parents. And in turn, how that affected me.
Having had a very good talk with my 16 year old son tonight, I can only hope that my children truly have learned from the mistakes that ah and I have made. I can tell you that my children have issues with drinking and I hope that this will lesson their chances of becoming active alcoholics. Though I know that having lived with us has affected them and will do so for the rest of their lives.
While these characteristics that were listed are a good guide, I just hope that everyone will realize that it's what we do with the information that we see in ourselves compared to that list that truly matters. I am the way I am for the reasons that be - but I have the choice to be whoever I choose to be.

[JT]

Very true Standing. We can't change where we came from but we have a choice about how we want to live. The key is in recognizing that and acting on it.

[jerseybarb]

Originally Posted by journeygal

....... What I have recently realized was that I was tremendously way more affected by my mom and her handling of the situation than his actual drinking. ........

BINGO! Thats it! I had less problems with my drinking mother than my co-dependant father. My mom would be asleep/passed out by 7:30 - 8:00 and that left me for my dad to vent on. I do have two brothers but I bore the brunt of my dads anger as I was the child most like him and I was the only girl. Not only did I have to put up with his insults and ridicule, I had to put up with his sick inappropate behavior. When I complained to my mom about him, I was told 1- He had a hard day at work 2-That I was being hyper sensitive or 3- That I would be hurt later in life so I should used to it now.

Cry time

[Pepsifreek007]

I am this also just a grown up one now. Hard to keep everythng in order. Loss of control... can't seem to concentrate. I am so hard on myself at times it's not funny. This is not good. This is bad. This very bad. I need help. I work part time. I often seem out of sync when I am at home. I try to plan a course of action and stay on it but I'm can't seem to go through with it most of the time. I like my job because it gives me some structure and I like that but it not good for me its been the cause of my ct and now I know I can't stay there for much longer. I have to find another job less strenuous on my hands. I'm wondering how much longer I can stay there... just rambling now. I just need someone to hear me. I know I'm not alone. I've got that down now. I believe my HP is in charge of my life but what is He doing??? LOL. Better yet what am I doing to me??LOL. Ok, now I'm losing it. LOL.

[Pepsifreek007]

Ok, all of the above describes me, and yes I am being honest.
I often do guess at what is normal cause I have no clue what is normal or else I often feel as if very different from everyday people and I am extremely shy of them. Small talk is all I can give. I can't seem to finish much from beginning to end, but I am learning to try to stay put and finish it. Sorta like this list. I do judge myself without mercy. I hate when I screw things up esp. at work I often take the blame for someone else's mistake making it my ownsomehow seeing that if I had made sure it was done a certain way that the mistake would not have happened. I judge myself harshly and others but I am trying to learn to be patient with myself and others around me. Mistakes happen, people are not perfect. I don't have much problem having fun. I try to make things fun for myself and others esp. my family. I do have problems with me and my signifigant other esp. the intimate part. My worst one I think is that I can be so compulsive and super irresponsible at times. It is almost as if set myself up to fall??? Is that possible that I am afraid of success? I am also extremely loyal like some dog that's been trained. Ok, that's enough now.

[superdooper#1]

I never knew that my mother being an alcoholic had such a huge impact on me,
I never understood this
Its just a strange realization...
and one of the major reasons that has me now taking my drinking problem seriously

[L8YNRED]

Of course the characteristics fit me - alcoholism runs in my family on both sides as far back as anyone can remember.

Once, before I knew anything about alcoholism or codependency or anything else, a co-worker said to me

"so, which one of your parents is the alcoholic?"

He knew nothing about my family, he only knew about my behaviors and what they meant because he is ACOA also. I had no idea it was so clearly obvious until he said so. And I thought I had my stuff together...

[SerenitySoon]

Originally Posted by superdooper#1

I never knew that my mother being an alcoholic had such a huge impact on me,
I never understood this
Its just a strange realization...
and one of the major reasons that has me now taking my drinking problem seriously

I feel the same way. I never knew that my alcoholic parents affected my life so much. I was an extremely angry child, anti-social because I wasn't any good at relating with people, and I'm in a second marriage that's currently on the rocks. I started realizing that the common denominator in everything was me, so I started trying to figure out what was wrong with me. When I started reading Codependent No More, I now realize that I am THE most codependent person in the world. All of my problems with people revolve around me trying to control the world. It's really sad at how much a dysfunctional home can really affect a person - it's even worse that I've been so angry and so unhappy for this long before I realized that I have a problem and that I can change my behavior and my life for the better.

[ChoosingJoy]

Those of you who resonate with some or part of the list, but who are not in a recovery program such as ACoA, should get into a program, ASAP.

Why? Because these characteristics can screw up your life, big time. I was fired this summer because I did not handle a conflict with a co-worker very well. In examining why this happened, it came about because I:

1) had real problems determining when or if the co-worker was over the line, and being obnoxious (I had to guess at what "normal" is)
2) when he was over the line (rude), I didn't know how to confront him with my feelings, because I wasn't sure that I even had right to do so, and I didn't know how to do it effectively (ACAs tend to be people pleasers at any cost)
3) I felt I had to handle this problem all by myself. It never once occurred to me that there was help all around me that I could have called upon at any time. (ACAs suffer alone and are super responsible)
4) The way I handled it was to be completely oblivious to the fact that I could be fired (ACAs have real problems with authority)

Don't wait for your life to crash and fall apart, get into recovery. It will be one of the best things you ever did!

[used2beadrunk]

I was just reading the 13 characteristics and holy cow!!!!!!
A few have asked about was their childhood normal, mine certainly was not. My mother was too busy dealing with my father's bouts of alcoholism. I definitely picked up the codependent traits.
I used to blame my parents for everything. Now I know, through the 12 steps, that I must take responsibility for my own actions. I learned that as long as I blame them I will never grow up. The best thing of all is that I am not exerting all that negative energy. I have accepted and moved on.

[Crashnburn]

These are mine.

1. children guess at what normal behavior is.

4. judge themselves without mercy.

5. have difficulty having fun.

8. overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. children constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. children usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. children are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

_______________

My folks split up when I was five. Spent ages five to the end of age seven watching a pretty much endless keg party. During which time mom broke her nose twice..

People were snorting coke, & smoking hash..

Number twelve is a bad one. I tend to latch onto to emotional leeches, who I then later realize don't deserve my loyalty.

I'll continue to work on these character traits...Although..What's normal? Lol!

I own the responsibility to change....I hate it when she calls me up, & she's drunk...Worse is drunk and crying. I try to get off the phone, but do have trouble with it.

[Evanna]

I must have read those charactaristics a thousand times and they have never been more than a narrative to me. Tonight i felt the need to dig them out and read them again and for the first time i feel each one with a wailing sadness and somebody who never cries cant hold back the tears. Thanks for having them posted on this board for me to return to.

[leighx87]

most of them i can relate myself too thats scary

[Alexandra44]

Originally Posted by Akell04

I'm new to all of this, forums I mean. Both of my parents were alcoholics, I say were because both are deceased one due to alcohol and the other to cancer. They may be gone, but the disease has taken its toll on us kids.

I remember many times when I was a child watching dad try and squeeze the life out of mom, and calling the police only to find out mom would not press charges on him (times have changed). He was never taken away even when he hurt one of us kids. Am I bitter? Oh Yeah!

When he died mom continued to drink even more so, and then she remarried an A also, and the process began all over again, you know the drill. Am I bitter? Oh Yeah!

Then when she died I thought the process was over and done with, but was it? Oh NO1

There's no drinking, but the behaviors are there that we grew up with. The 13 characteristics are all my story, and they don't look too good when I read them. It took quite a while to master them, and I know it will take time to learn new ways to function. I was glad to find this forum, so I can talk with individuals who understand. Spouse thinks I should just get over my childhood, but he has no idea, does he?

thanks for letting me go on and on.

I wanted to respond to your post, even though there is a space of about 2 years between these posts!
I'm not new to ACoA recovery. I've been recovering for many years now. The 18 characteristics are right on the money, and there are more characteristics which will also probably apply. They can be found in ACoA books and other literature, and in ACA meetings/forums.
Growing up in alcoholic or other types of abusive families damages children, even though the damage may not be apparent for many years. But, once we become aware of the damage, then recovery and healing can occur.
My mother was the alcoholic, and her rejection of me started on the day I was born. My dad was a sweet gentle man who escaped into longer and longer business trips, leaving me alone with my mother. Not good!
My mother died not too long ago from alcoholism but not before disinheriting me, and then leaving her body to science so that there would be no service. I was, and am, so grateful that I'd had several years of recovery before she died... even as it was, it was so darn hard to know that there would be no redemption and no reconciliation. But then, and even more so today, I have built up a strong, solid identity and I like who I am today, and that carried me through. Recovering from our childhoods is absolutely necessary... if you don't, it'll sneak up on you when you least expect it.
Alexandra

[ladybug34]

Originally Posted by JT

1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.

2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.

3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.

5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.

6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.

7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.

8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.

9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.

10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.

11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.

12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.

13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I look back to the days and nights my baby looked at me and said do i make him do that mommy,what did i do.I read that and its my 13 yr old.He may be a young adult,Mybe it wont be to late for him.

[pooh bear]

That is so me! It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my struggles with dealing with this horrible disease.

[Lonely_Walker]

I saw earlier that Margo made the comment to Gooch that physical and emotional abuse can lead to the same effects as alcoholic parenting. I believe this is true. Not long ago I came across a PDF file that discussed the long lasting effects of bullying and they discovered that after a while all that fear you had due to being bullied in the past is replaced with anger when the person reaches adulthood.

When browsing pages online about alcoholism I also read things like the anger from alcoholics comes from post traumatic stress disorder. I read a survey that stated most alcoholics admitted to having a history of post traumatic stress disorder before they started drinking.

[SaTiT]

Imagine that....the list been on here forever.
I've been on this site for 2 years.
It's the first time I've looked at it.

Ouch!!
OUch!!
Ouch!!

I remember my father asking me as a teen...
what the hell I wanted to do with my life ?
Of course he was standing over me while I was sitting at my desk.
I got grounded for getting a B or some damn thing.

my reply......"Be normal"

seriousely...lmaf

I remember taking to fleight at a very earily age.
The damn wall got in the way...I don't remember too much after that.

[stevebubba69]

have ypu neen spying on me??????

[Norma Rose]

Every one of these hit home.

[shellybelly]

I am new to this site and came across this post today.. it was an epiphany of sorts for me. I am struggling to come to terms with my alcoholic mother its been around 20 yrs of pain and wanting somehow to change things for her but I am realizing now that I am powerless to change her but I can however change how I let it effect me. I saw way to much of myself in the list so it was confirmation for me that trying to find my own happiness must come first . Thanks

[lanie67]

Originally Posted by ChoosingJoy

Those of you who resonate with some or part of the list, but who are not in a recovery program such as ACoA, should get into a program, ASAP.

Why? Because these characteristics can screw up your life, big time. I was fired this summer because I did not handle a conflict with a co-worker very well. In examining why this happened, it came about because I:

1) had real problems determining when or if the co-worker was over the line, and being obnoxious (I had to guess at what "normal" is)
2) when he was over the line (rude), I didn't know how to confront him with my feelings, because I wasn't sure that I even had right to do so, and I didn't know how to do it effectively (ACAs tend to be people pleasers at any cost)
3) I felt I had to handle this problem all by myself. It never once occurred to me that there was help all around me that I could have called upon at any time. (ACAs suffer alone and are super responsible)
4) The way I handled it was to be completely oblivious to the fact that I could be fired (ACAs have real problems with authority)

Don't wait for your life to crash and fall apart, get into recovery. It will be one of the best things you ever did!

Thank you so very much for tying those to a real life example. I actually winced in pain as I recognized myself in this so much. I struggle horribly with work situations in particular and am essentially destitute because of it. I am full of fear and anxiety around people at work, feel like an alien, like everyone is normal but me, feel bullied, don't understand how people 'get away' with expressing their emotions or personalities at work when it just seems to get me in trouble, get eaten alive in the office politics/game playing on every single job, gossip as a way of feeling connected with other people, and possibly feeling needed, which gets me into horrible scrapes on the office politics side, and handle conflicts exactly the way you described. I don't usually get fired, though, because I become so miserable and uncomfortable in such a short time that I just quit. Right now I am living on my parent's property and working only ten hours a week. Although I have many years in recovery from substance abuse, I am in a crisis because of this ACOA stuff, even though my parents are not A's my maternal grandfather was and was horribly abusive to my mother. And who knows what on my paternal side. My family was dysfunctional, I was the scapegoat, and it has affected, if not wrecked my whole adult life. I also have aspergers syndrome so that makes it even harder for me to discern just what in the devil is going on around me at work. In just about any situation I will get eaten alive by really cunning people who are good at playing politics. It has got to stop, because it's ruining my life.

Thank you so much for those concret examples. I went to an ACOA meeting for a while and I loved the feeling there, I guess it's time to get back into it.