I'm a grown child but yet still feel useless

[Amethyst68]

Hi all, so glad to see there's a place like this on the web to come to for support.

I'm a 39 year old single woman who's parents have both been alcoholics from as far back as I can remember which was around age 10.

The years have provided some ups and downs but the past three years have presented a new situation. My father, who does still drink alcohol does not abuse it like my mother does. At the beginning of each year for the past three, my Mom has taken to going on a major drinking tear to the point where in the past two years, I've needed to intercept and take her to the hospital emergency to get medical attention. Last year, we went one step further and convinced my Mom that she should sign herself into a provincial rehab program. She stayed less than 24 hrs and my Dad went and picked her up. Ugh!

Well, this morning I was awoken out of bed by my father pounding on my apartment door. Soon as I let him in, he began sobbing and said he just can't take my mother's behaviour anymore and doesn't know what to do. I feel for the man but at the same time, I'm quite piturbed as he has been enabling her for years. I wanted to offer him sympathy but I just couldn't contribute to his feelings of helplessness and "baby" him. I must have subconsciously known this day was drawing near because it was just recently that I made a promise to myself to never get tangled up in my parent's self-destruction ever again. I've always been the go-to person in past and helped them through the point of crisis but it's taken it's toll on me and I just resolved myself to not going there again. I suggested to my Dad he was just going to have to learn how to help himself for once. All my life, even as a young kid, I was the one my parent's leaned on for support. Sadly, I can never remember a time they were available to me for the same but that aside, I really wanted my Dad to realize that he needs to make decisions for himself and take action accordingly.

He's tired of Mom's self-neglect, her abuse and drunken behaviour. On top of all that, he's worried sick about her resulting health and petrified that she's going to end up hurting herself.

I helped Dad find the numbers in the phone book for organizations that may be able to offer him help &/or advice, the assessment clinic at our mental health hospital, outpatient treatment programs, etc. and told him he needed to go back to the city to see if he can talk to some professionals. I know he just wanted someone's shoulder to cry on but I've reached the point where I've learned that doesn't provide any long lasting results. I hated myself for coming across a little cold-hearted but since none of what I've done in the past has helped, I decided to try the tough-love apporoach this time.

This evening, he called at supper to say when he returned home my Mom was gone. She didn't have access to a vehicle nor even knows how to drive. My guess is she took a cab to the liquor store. I can only imagine what shape she would have been trying to accomplish that task. Then Dad's second message stated that he was back home and with Mom. Third message was that he was now back out of the house, got counselling and was staying at a Salvation Army shelter for the night. The call ended with "please help".

I now sit here worrying about just how I'm supposed to help my Dad. I can't even dream up of how that could be possible. I live in a tiny one bdrm basement apartment of a private home and have three large dogs (golden retrievers) not to mention live an hour outside the city. Having Dad sleep on my couch just isn't an option nor do I feel that is the answer. He'd just want to stay here long enough until the storm passes and then return home where the vicious cycle would repeat itself all over again.

I already know my Mom is beyond helping herself and has and will always refuse professional help. How I ever convinced her to go to the hospital in the past was a miracle in of itself. I want Dad to learn he has options and that he can't keep enabling Mom ... he' only compounding a situation already gone bad. My train of thought is that if Dad has to spend a couple of nights in a shelter, he might think long and hard about whether he thinks it's truly such a great idea to run to the store to buy my mother a bottle whenever she wants one. Dad really needs to learn to put his foot down and hold true to his convictions.

I really do feel I've done my best and everything I possibly can for my parents in the past but hearing Dad's voice on his voice mail with the request, "help me" keeps haunting my thoughts.

What more can I possibly do? Any suggestions? I open to hearing anything I should or could do differently.

Yes, I'm worried for my Dad but at this late hour of night, I'm more worried about my Mom who is home alone, on a binge, smoking, feeling sorry for herself and I'm guessing in no position to be looking after herself. It'd take but just one stumble for her to hit her head.

I moved out of homewhen I was 19 ... never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd still be worried sick some twenty years later over my Mom's neglect and self-destruction. I suppose some patterns just don't change. How I ever turned out to be such a responsible and normal adult is beyond me!!!

I thank you all so much for letting me get this all off my chest. Doesn't make the problems go away but it's nice knowing that there's others around who can relate.

As I mentioned, I'm completely open to hearing any suggestions on how I mght be able fulfill my father's request for help. If he had only told me how he expects to receive help, I'd better know if I can come through for him or not.

If you can spare a prayer or two for my Mom's safety tonight, I'd be very appreciative of that as well. I shudder to think of what could and might happen.

[GingerM]

You say you're dad is not a "problem" alcoholic although he does drink. Is he an alcoholic, or does he drink in moderation?

If he is/was simply enabling (and not an alcoholic himself), then he has hit his bottom and now needs someone to help him find a way to help himself. While I understand the anger and frustration and rage you might be feeling towards him for enabling her for so long, please remember, he has now hit his bottom and is looking for ways to right himself and get out of the destructive cycle he's been living in for who knows how many years.

You sound like you're more worried about your mother than your father. IMO, this is backwards. Your mother seems to have no intentions or desires to work on her problems. This means she is not 'savable'. Your father seems to have finally recognized the situation he is in, and is now wanting to do something about it - him, you can help.

If either one of my parents approached me as your father did (and this is just me speaking for me) I would take them into my house, but set some boundaries. 1. They must get counselling or attend AlAnon/AA at least weekly. 2. They must not contact the other spouse. 3. They must do what their therapists tell them to.

Your mother is not open to being helped. She does not want help. Your father is begging for help. Who do you think you can have a positive impact on?

My opinion only, which is worth absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

[Easeful]

Welcome Amethyst, I'm sorry that you find yourself still dealing with this 20 years after leaving home, for me it's been over 30. I agree with Ginger that your Dad is the one who needs help and that you might be able to help. In your situation I would attempt to help him find it. i.e. locate Al-anon meetings, help him find a living arrangement that he can afford, help him find a therapist. I do disagree about bringing him into my home. I can no longer entangle my Dad's sickness in my life. I've worked too long and too hard to create a safe, loving, healthy environment for myself to take that kind of risk. Good luck to you and prayers for all three of you.

[thejig]

AlAnon CAN help you and your Dad (if he'll go). Just go and tell them what you told us....they can help you. The Salvation Army is a wonderful organization and helps a lot of people that battle alcoholism.
Prayers to your family
AA Hugs,
Jig

[Amethyst68]

Originally Posted by GingerM

You say you're dad is not a "problem" alcoholic although he does drink. Is he an alcoholic, or does he drink in moderation?

Dad was an alcoholic before my Mom. He used to become quite violent when he drank and even abused my mother. That cycle of destruction stopped at about the time I moved out of home. Well, the abuse anyways. While he doesn't drink like he used to, he still does but more so in moderation. In my opinion, he should not drink period. He tells me the reason why he drinks now is so that my mother will drink less which is dumb because the sooner the booze is finished, the more they just go out and buy. <sigh>


If he is/was simply enabling (and not an alcoholic himself), then he has hit his bottom and now needs someone to help him find a way to help himself. While I understand the anger and frustration and rage you might be feeling towards him for enabling her for so long, please remember, he has now hit his bottom and is looking for ways to right himself and get out of the destructive cycle he's been living in for who knows how many years.

I completely understand how he might want this. But, this is not the first time Dad has showed up on my doorstep saying that he can't put up with the situation anymore. He keeps going back and doing nothing despite my trying to help in the past.

You sound like you're more worried about your mother than your father. IMO, this is backwards. Your mother seems to have no intentions or desires to work on her problems. This means she is not 'savable'. Your father seems to have finally recognized the situation he is in, and is now wanting to do something about it - him, you can help.

I worry about both parents equally. It's just at the time of crisis, I can't help but worry about my mother's immediate safety. I don't feel sorry for the position she puts herself in but yet I don't want to see her dead at the same time from putting herself in harm's way.

If either one of my parents approached me as your father did (and this is just me speaking for me) I would take them into my house, but set some boundaries. 1. They must get counselling or attend AlAnon/AA at least weekly. 2. They must not contact the other spouse. 3. They must do what their therapists tell them to.

My father would NEVER agree to such terms just as my mother won't agree to go into rehab and stay. This is why I'm so frustrated. He says he wants help but then doesn't want to follow through with anything. If I didn't know better, I'd guess that they were both happier being miserable.

Your mother is not open to being helped. She does not want help. Your father is begging for help. Who do you think you can have a positive impact on?

You're right, I can't help my Mom. With Dad, there's a slight possibility, but his in-actions lead me to believe that he just wants me to take his problems away rather than helping him confront his situation and do something about it. Everytime he shows up at my door, I ask Dad why he chooses to say instead of leave he says he doesn't want to be without my mother. My parents are very co-dependent on one another and neither is a saint. They've both contributed to the problems in their marriage inside and outside of alcohol abuse. I want to help my Dad but like Mom, I distinctly get the impression that he too doesn't want to help himself as he never follows through with counselling, AA/Al-Non meetings, etc. I'm at my wit's end.

My opinion only, which is worth absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Please give your ideas more credit. Your opinion does certainly count and that's why I came to this site in the first place. I'm not looking for sympathy or anyone to agree with me ... just looking for ideas that I haven't thought about as well as a different perspectives to help me view this situation from other angles. I appreciate the time you took to share your views and suggestions.

*

[Amethyst68]

Originally Posted by Easeful

Welcome Amethyst, I'm sorry that you find yourself still dealing with this 20 years after leaving home, for me it's been over 30. I agree with Ginger that your Dad is the one who needs help and that you might be able to help. In your situation I would attempt to help him find it. i.e. locate Al-anon meetings, help him find a living arrangement that he can afford, help him find a therapist. I do disagree about bringing him into my home. I can no longer entangle my Dad's sickness in my life. I've worked too long and too hard to create a safe, loving, healthy environment for myself to take that kind of risk. Good luck to you and prayers for all three of you.

Thank you for your reply and prayers, Easeful. I completely understand what you mean when you say that you've worked too hard to create a healthy environment to have it all taken away. The best thing I did for my mental health was move from home and distance my self from all the self-destruction I was witness to on a frequent basis. My little apartment is my safe-haven ... I can't give that up.

On a side note, my Dad is a smoker and my symptoms of Crohns become is exacerbated when subjected to smoke. Dad refuses to quit even though he just had double-bypass surgery in January. After being here only 2 hrs, I had to air my apt out and spray Febreeze all over my place he reeked that much of smoke.

[Amethyst68]

Originally Posted by thejig

AlAnon CAN help you and your Dad (if he'll go). Just go and tell them what you told us....they can help you. The Salvation Army is a wonderful organization and helps a lot of people that battle alcoholism.
Prayers to your family
AA Hugs,
Jig

Thank you for your prayers!

While Dad won't go, I have already made note of where meetings are held local to me and the dates and times. I will have to wait until next week for the next one but I will be going.

I hope the Salvation has provided Dad at least a place to begin healing and provided him more resources that I wasn't aware about.

Last update I got was this morning in the form of an email that Dad is back home. I know nothing else as my phone calls are going unanswered. I just hope that this incident won't become like all others in the past and not talked about again as if nothing ever happened. Here's hoping Dad will not only heed some of my advice but also get pro-active about what he will and will not tolerate as far as my Mom's drinking is concerned.

[SaTiT]

Amestyst68, I'm sorry you are going throught that.
It's not you're fault.

I'm 40 and sometimes it's just too insane for me.

My father stills drinks. He's been nibbling at AA or
sometype of help. His health is failing and he's serching
for doctors to give answers other than not to stop drinking.
He thinks he's different and is better than anybody in AA.
mmmm...like 99% percent of people that's in denial.
My father had already admitted to me he is an alcoholic.
Of course...the man is basically drunk everytime i see
him and life just been getting stupid crazy back at
where i grew up. That stupid elephant is roaring it's
ugly head. Plus I'm been in AA sinse i was 22.

My mother has broken down many of times this last year.
I informed her of Al-anon...but just like my father,
she thinks she dosn't need help.
Yet, she was totally in tears and can't understand
what is heppening to her life.

I don't know...it hard
They are my parents and they won't listen to me.
I'm powerless over this. I pray...

All I can do is pray for you and your family.

[dollydo]

Don't think we have met. I am Dolly, my mother and father are both "A's", my Dad quit drinking 10 years ago, my Mom is still drinking, she has been an "A" for 62 years....and she will never stop and there is nothing I can do.

What keeps me going is that, it is her life, not mine, she has made her own choices, and I make mine.

Your parents probably have been together for a long time, and neither will ever do what you want, they are set in their ways and are used to the drama each inflicts on the other, yes, I agree they are co-dependent on each other.

There is nothing you can do except detach from them emotionally, and go forward with you life.

[lanie67]

I can relate to a lot of this discussion. I really have empathy for you, Amethyst. I don't know if I can articulate my experience with my family members, it is complicated. They are not substance abusers, other than being overeaters, but there are mental health issues and childhood abuse issues (theirs and mine). What I felt when I was reading your story was respect for your detachment. What I have found over and over with my family is that in times of crises in the past they wanted to confide in me because of my history with therapy and 12 step (for alcoholism). But none of them really ever wanted to get help for themselves, past the tipping point.

I found this annoying as the years passed. I rarely talk about it any more. But you are right in having a certain amount of detachment, if you do not, the person will not get the professional/12 step help that they need. They will just use *you* and you are not only not qualified to help them, but also it is a boundary violation. I counseled my mother emotionally the whole time I was growing up. I was her 'lay therapist' so to speak. She and my father had marital problems, in addition to his being a rageaholic. One day she would cry on my shoulder at night about how awful he was to her...and the next day she would be telling me I was a rotten ungrateful kid who treated my father horribly and had hurt him badly with my bad behavior.

It was devastating to my psyche to have these constant reversals, to one day be her confidante and the rock she leaned on, and the next day be the devil incarnate. I feel sometimes like I was never allowed to be a child emotionally, and that that is why I am so obsessive and codependent now, because I got in the habit as a child of trying to decipher the insanity I grew up around. Nowadays I absolutely will not listen to my mother complain about my father's behavior, I don't care how bad it is or how out of line he is. She needed therapy and they needed marriage counseling, and he needed anger management therapy back then. Instead they used me as an outlet, and never got the help they needed. I don't allow myself to be used like that today. If my mother starts talking about his treatment of her, I do not react. If I can, I leave the room. There is help out there for her if she wants it. She could have left him at any time in the last 15 or 20 years. It's emotional incest, and I don't have to allow myself to be used that way today, and I won't.

I am that rigid with that boundary only because this behavior caused me so much pain as a child. Even after I'd moved out of the house, she still continued to treat me like her personal marriage counselor. I remember the night my boyfriend's best friend since childhood was mortally wounded in a shooting accident, my boyfriend waited on my porch in the dark for an hour until I got home because my mother had me in her car in the garage going on and on about my father and the way he treated her. That was right after I moved out of the house and it was the even that made me realize I had a right to my own life and I couldn't solve their problems because I had my own. I finally had to put those boundaries in. I think it's great you have given your dad that information, and now it is up to him. He has to fight for himself, and his own recovery, and you have a right to your life. If he does not do it, that is his choice. I appreciate your sharing because I empathize with you so much about this, and I know what it's like to be caught in between parents.