How to fill the empty spot

[LaTeeDa]

Well, after a good therapy session last evening and a follow-up phone call today, I am really feeling like I’m starting to have some clarity about my divorce.

I have known for some time that divorce is the right choice for me at this point in time. But, I have been struggling with why. Sometimes your gut tells you something is right, but your mind still wants to understand it. I think it all comes down to trust. I keep asking myself why I am not patient. He is changing—hell he stopped drinking, didn’t he? He’s also making other positive changes, but, but, but, why isn’t that enough for me? What kind of cold-hearted person am I to give up now, when he is finally trying to do the right things? Well, it’s because I see some revisionist history going on. Denying that certain things actually happened, or that they happened the way they did. I realize that some things are extremely painful to admit or deal with and I understand this is the reason for the denial. But I cannot trust that things will actually change if there is no acknowledgement of things that need to change. And I fear going back down that same old bumpy road. Simply put, I am more willing to face the fear of moving on, than the fear of possibly going back to where we were, even without the drinking.

There are other fears, as well. Fear of never finding love again. Fear of him actually changing in the ways I would like, after we’re divorced. Fear of losing half my financial assets. (that’s a big one!) Fear of regret, etc. etc. etc. These, I can deal with by simply asking what is the worst that could happen if the fear were to come true. Once I look at it rationally, I realize that while some of these things might actually happen, and it would suck if they did, it still will not be the end of the world, or the end of me.

Okay, then the lessons. There are lessons for me in all of this and the biggest one seems to be—don’t do for others what they are capable of doing for themselves. Don’t caretake and control. I diminishes others and results in anger and resentment in me.

So far, so good. Then, the therapist hits me with this. Then what???? She says that the caretaking and controlling is something I grew up needing to do in order to survive and feel good about myself. And if I stop “needing to be needed” it will leave a hole. An empty spot that will need to be filled.

So, once again, I am asking for wisdom from those of you who have traveled further along this recovery road than me. Have you dealt with this? When you stopped controlling and rescuing, did you replace those needs with something healthy? Or have you managed to use those traits in a way that makes them an asset instead of a liability? It would really help me to hear others experiences with this as I go about trying to figure out my own path. As always, your opinions and wisdom are much appreciated.

L

[GingerM]

I split this into two avenues:

1. Caretaking: I stopped taking care of others and started taking care of me. This means I had to make a HUGE fundamental shift from always putting others first to putting me first the vast majority of the time. (This has only really been do-able for me in the past year or so, although I worked towards that end for probably 7 or 8 years).

I used to not do things for myself because I felt I wasn't worth it. Now I ask myself "would I do this for someone else?" If the answer is yes, then I do it for myself.

For instance: if I wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons, but said "no, I really don't need it, it's not useful" or something along those lines, I would then ask myself "If my husband wanted to take lessons, would I take them for him?" If the answer was "yes", then I signed up for the lessons - I could only see how I was depriving/not caring for myself when I substituted someone else's name for my own.

2. Loving: this is not the same as caregiving. Loving is open and unasked for. I do things for people because I WANT to, not because they asked me to. In another thread today, I talked about buying a perfect stranger a newspaper. This is an act of love (albeit not strong love) - I did something nice for someone not because they asked me to, but because I wanted to. By giving to people when you WANT to, and not when they're expecting it, you can still have an outlet for those 'caregiving' needs without feeling like you're diminishing the other person or controlling them - especially if you can do it while expecting absolutely nothing in return.

Practicing this on strangers first helps, as you know you will never see them again, and consequently can have absolutely no hopes of any exchange in return from them (one of those pitfalls of ACoAs which is discussed in another thread here).

So I 'caregive' only to myself, but I give love to others, which fills the 'need to be needed' with more of a 'need to make other people's day a little brighter' (or something along those lines). It's still making the world a better place.

I don't know if these will work for you or not, but it seems that's how my transition organically happened.

[Wascally Wabbit]

I just love to read GingerM's answers. They really help me!
When I got seperated and finally divorced, I got more into myself than ever before. I spent time doing things I loved doing, like painting. It seems that any kind of art is a great therapy.
We really need something we can do that we feel good when we do it. Art does it for me. Perhaps photography, crafting or something else would

[DesertEyes]

Hey there LTD,

For me it wasn't a hole, or an empty spot. Like Ginger said, it's just a different target.

One of the big concept in recovery is that of a "character defect". A behavior that I do which is harmful. What I have learned is that a "character defect" is only _half_ the story. What I have is character _traits_, and when I use those traits incorrectly then it becomes a defect. But when I use those traits correctly it becomes a "virtue".

My caretaking trait is called the "knight in shining armor" complex. A lot of us guys seem to have that. It's really a type of _compassion_. When I use that trait to do for others what they can do for themselves it's called "enabling". Al-anon and all their wisdom have taught me how to _not_ enable.

When I use compassion to do for others what they can _not_ do for themselves it's called "kindness". Yesterday as I pulled into the parking lot I noticed one of our elderly caretakes pulling up in a beat up old car that was making all kinds of strange noises. I walked over and offered to take a look, helped him pop open the hood. The engine needs serious work and I offered to give him a ride after work if he needed it. Turned out he was able to find a relative to come get him.

Offering to help an old guy is the _same_ trait that I misused when I enabled my ex-A wife in her disease. The difference is in _how_ and _why_ I help others. When I enable I am "selling" my compassion in order to "get back" from others a bit of self-esteem, a bit of self-worth. If they need me then I must be worth something. When I am kind I am _giving_ my compassion without expecting anything in return. The feeling of self-worth that I give myself when I do that is far more powerful than anything another person could give me.

I still need to be needed. But I have filled that hole by changing _how_ I show compassion, and _why_ I help others. I have filled that hole by giving myself the self-esteem, instead of "buying" it thru enabling others.

Mike

[justicej]

I think...
The need for connection and giving/sharing is universal in our species.

Our society has just become so competative that we think in terms of war slogans like: Kill or be killed, all's fair in love and war, god bless the child who has his own, get your's before someone get's you...

The scientists say that evolution takes tens of thousands of years, that we are still hunter/gatherers biologically speaking. A time when it took a village to raise a child.
I use this approach to do the same things these good people have been saying. Love youself, give compassion without controlling, expecting or judging.

I don't always get it right, but I love my life now that I actively embrace these ideals.

[TheGirlInside]

Thanks for sharing your story, LTD...I'm facing the prospects of "Finally" filing...it's not easy, I know I want it, but then am scared at what it's going to mean, and also fighting the shaming inner voice telling me that I didn't try hard enough, and that "divorce is wrong" and have to remind myself that being in a marriage that is merely a business arrangement is also wrong.


Wanted to add: Ginger and Mike, reading your posts makes me all "dancy"!!


(WAH!! Still can't get the smilies!!)...picture a cute dancing smiley for me, will ya?

[LaTeeDa]

I just wanted to thank you all for the words of wisdom. It helps to know that these traits don't necissarily have to be negative. I just need to remain aware of them and of my motives.

L