Al-Anon vs ACA?

[socalgal]

Hi all!

Thank you all for your posts, I find pieces of really useful information in all of them. You all have become part of my "morning routine".

I am getting up the courage to go to a meeting tonight. I am no stranger to meetings, lots of AA and 12 years of sobriety. But, I admit, it hasn't been part of my routine now for several years. I am going to go to an ACA meeting. I noticed that many of you attend AL-anon. I guess my question is what is the big difference between Al-Anon and ACA, besides the obvious. Are they pretty much the same? Does anyone find one more helpful than the other? Just wondering. I guess I'm just feeling out my "fear of the unknown".

It seems there are a lot more Al-anon meetings than ACoA around here. Any feedback or comments would be greatly appreciated. I feel myself getting a little edgy about the whole thing.

Kathleen

[GingerM]

There are a lot more AlAnon meetings than ACA meetings pretty much everywhere. In some places they don't have ACA meetings at all, it's Alanon, AA or nothing.

Of course the obvious is that ACA meeting focus on adults who are no longer necessarily living with/around their parents but are still dealing with the fallout; where AlAnon is more for people who are actively dealing with their A's. But either way, the skill set is similar, just a matter of which angle you come at it from.

All of that being said, I make this post having never attended either an AlAnon meeting or an ACA meeting, so I'm just giving you what I've gleaned from other's posts. I just wanted to give you something to help combat that fear of the unknown thing.

Anyone with real life experience of AlAnon vs. ACA is certainly welcome to correct/contradict anything I've written.

[DesertEyes]

Ginger covered it quite well. I've gone to all kinds of meets, some like OA and NA just out of curiosity. AA, al-anon, ACoA and ISA out of necesity. The biggest difference is that of _identification_. When I am in an OA meet out of curiosity, or to be supportive of a friend, the people there talk about their struggles around consuming their drug of choice in a healthy and balanced manner. They talk about the triggers caused by TV ads and billboards on the freeway.

I hear them, but I can tell they don't feel what I feel.

In ACoA, which I attend because my parents alcoholism affects my life, I hear people talk of the hardships and overwhelming emotions they feel _today_ when they think of the years of therapy they needed to feel self-worth, the deep sense of loss they feel when they see a happy family at the mall, the fears of passing on the disease to their own children.

I hear them, and I know they feel _exactly_ what I feel.

I _identify_ with their strugles, and when they share their successes I learn how _I_ can enjoy the serenity they now have.

The al-anon meets I have gone to in L.A. and here in Vegas are all about the damage that is caused to us by the alcoholism or addiction of a close friend or family member. Most of the folks came out of a "toxic family" as ACoA's, and then went and married one to qualify for al-anon. How much of this "double winner" sharing goes on depends on the people that happen to be at that meeting.

That's why al-anon strongly recommnends that folks shop around at least 6 meetings in order to find the meet that has the best "mix" for your needs.

I find that both programs are wonderful and that either one works for me.

Mike

[socalgal]

Well, I went to the ACA meeting last night. Although it is a twelve step program this particular meeting felt a lot less rigid than AA. This suited me fine as there are many reasons I have no desire to attend any more AA meetings. The group was small and there was a lot of emphasis on keeping it a safe environment. No drunkalogues and no never ending horror stories about childhood abuse, which I was grateful for. There was more emphasis on the problems at hand which are the result of peoples childhoods than the actual childhoods'. In general it seemed more gentle but also more intense than the AA meetings I've been to. This is my "expert" opinion after having been to exactly one ACoA meeting! Ha,Ha. I haven't been to Al-anon yet, I may check that out this week.
Kathleen

[GlassPrisoner]

Hmmmmm.....

I'm an alcoholic in recovery. During my 5th step, I realized I have a lot of Al-Anon traits also. I was raised by alcoholic parents, so I probably qualify for ACoA also. Triple winner ?

Anyway, having done my 4th step, shouldn't anything I experienced as a result of my alcoholic parents when I was growing up pretty much be a moot issue ? Shouldn't realizing that my parents were human and made mistakes, and forgiving them and praying for them suffice ? Or are there other things I don't know yet ?

Edit: Sorry to hijack

[GingerM]

Glass, you may want to read the 13 characteristics sticky at the top of this forum. If you read those and can honestly tell yourself that none of those traits still apply to you or still have impact on your life, then you may not need anything more.

If those traits make you say "WHOAH! That is me, right now, right here, today, still" then you may want to check out ACoA meets or literature or counselling.

The issue with being an ACoA is not the "C". What happened in childhood, happened in childhood. We can accept and forgive all we want. The issue with being an ACoA is being an ADULT, still functioning with old survival skills and still having internal issues which might once have been, but no longer are, beneficial. And then learning to how create new life skills which are more suited to our lives as ADULTS.

Hope that makes some sense.

[socalgal]

Glass Prisoner,
I know what you mean. After doing the stepwork in AA I thought I had come to a certain peace with my past and had forgiven my parents. Issues are coming up now that were not apparent to me 12 years ago in early recovery. To deny that things that happened in my childhood had a wounding impact on me would be, well, denial. This isn't so much about "blaming" parents as it is about recognizing why we do what we do, what needs weren't met, what grieving was left unfinished, etc.
I feel that I learned how to stay sober in AA and now I need to heal other parts of myself. I have heard others say similar things like I learned how to stop drinking in AA. Now I need to learn how to live (in AL-anon).

I too, had/have the attitude that I have forgiven my parents already. Last night I ws reading,"Healing the Child Within." and read that saying one has already forgiven their parents for their childhoods is one of the ways that people "protect" their parents from their potential undealt with anger. It made me think about whether I was doing this. Food for thought.

Kathleen

[socalgal]

Ginger,
You always say what I wish I had the wisdom to say. Thanks!
Kathleen

[DesertEyes]

Hey there Glass, and thanks for the insightful questions

Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner

...I'm an alcoholic in recovery. During my 5th step, I realized I have a lot of Al-Anon traits also. I was raised by alcoholic parents, so I probably qualify for ACoA also. Triple winner ? ...

Yup, triple winner you are, and welcome to ACoA. I'm a "multiple winner" also.

Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner

... Anyway, having done my 4th step, shouldn't anything I experienced as a result of my alcoholic parents when I was growing up pretty much be a moot issue ? Shouldn't realizing that my parents were human and made mistakes, and forgiving them and praying for them suffice ? Or are there other things I don't know yet ?...

As Ginger said, it depends on the individual. If you find that your life today is free of any emotional issues arising from a "toxic family" then you have no need for ACoA. I think that's awesome. You are still welcome in ACoA anytime you care to drop by.

Some people, like me, find that recovery is a life-long process. As life throws %$#%$# at me I discover that I have to do additional work to improve myself. When I first sobered up I worked on my character defects and felt quite satisfied. Then I got married and discovered a whole new "suitcase" full of character defects. Then I got divorced and found yet another "suitcase". I did not realize just how much baggage I was carrying around from my childhood. I think the AA slogan "More will be revealed" can be applied here

Originally Posted by GlassPrisoner

... Edit: Sorry to hijack

Not a prob. If it's ok with the rest of the posters I can just copy your questions to a brand new thread so we can address yours and socalgal's questions without getting everything scrambled.

Mike