[Buzz Kilowatt]

I love SR and the folks here. I've received a lot of good advice and I've tried to give back some of the goodwill. Two problems, though: 1) I often repeat myself to different posters, and 2) I'm limited with respect to time.

I've got to redirect my resources . . . . time being the non-renewable one . . . and so I am going to become much less active on the forum. I will be pleased to answer any PMs if someone wants to contact me or keep in touch.

I thought it might be helpful to try to distill what I've learned about my own addiction and recovery in a single post . . . my swan song, if you will. I hope some of the info will be useful to others with their struggles. I certainly don't have the last word on this disease -- only one person's perspective.

My history: I used hydrocondone for 8-10 years, which eventually became 15 - 20 mg daily habit. I quit and relapsed a few times before I became "serious" about quitting. I tapered off to 7.5 mg. in a week or so, and then quit CT. To be honest, the 1st week sucked; the 2nd sucked a bit less, but I was well on the mend within a month. After about 2.5 months I felt "normal" again. After 3 months I was feeling great.

1. Addiction is a spiritual disease. Habitual drug abuse is only a superficial symptom. I abused drugs to avoid other aspects of living. I numbed myself emotionally and spiritually rather than confront life's challenges and issues. By doing that I "missed" some of the bad things, but more importantly, missed a lot more "good" things and the opportunity to grow.

2. At some point in the struggle, I realized that I had chosen death over life. There was the feeling that I was missing out on life, and indeed I was. This realization is what compelled me to quit. Also I was very concerned about the long-term side effects on my body of taking meds.

3. Swallowing opiates for 8-10 years was one way to try to avoid depression. But it had its price. Some people's depression is chemical but mine was not. Mine was situational / existential. It was never severe except during my teen years when I was stuck in a boarding school against my will and during my early 20's after my sister died. Treating the symptoms but not the underlying problem was convenient but useless over the long haul. I took the "easy" way by numbing the pain, but the wounds were still present. Duh.

4. I quit for a few weeks or a month at a time during that period. The withdrawals were pretty easy at first, but there was still some depression. When things got rough, or out of boredom, I started again. And then I experienced the "kindling effect", where each subsequent WD cycle was worse than the previous one. This last time - I've been sober about 7 months now - was a real bear and most unpleasant.

5. There are two strong motivators that keep me sober today: a) I don't ever want to experience WD again, and b) I really love the clarity of sobriety and the experience of reconnecting to the world. About 3 months when I was sober I went to a concert and nearly was moved to tears with the beauty of the experience, which I would have only have enjoyed in a muted way if I was buzzed.

6. Don't underestimate the value of pain in the recovery process. As I discovered, no pain, no gain. Pain is present when a child is born, then joy thereafter. The same with recovery. There are a lot of claims for alternative treatments like rapid detox under anaesthesia and Ibogaine therapy -- all intended to decrease the intensity or duration of discomfort. I'm not sure how well they work in the long term, but this is certain: they are expensive and have risks. I can't comment on Sub since I never tried it, but offhand it seems like a way to prolong the agony . . . As I mentioned, discomfort can be a very important part of the recovery process, and I think it should be embraced -- not avoided.

7. Whether one chooses CT or tapered withdrawal, etc. there is really no way to avoid pain and psychological discomfort, and one must be really ready to endure it, knowing this too shall pass. The pain is real. I enured my brain to expect these chemicals over many years, and when I stopped them, their absence was duly noted . . . But the brain has this wonderful ability to recover, even make new synaptic connections. It can and will heal, but it takes a bit of time - thank God, just a fraction of the time that I took the meds.

8. The depression I experienced in WD felt "chemical", but when you are in the hole it sometimes doesn't feel like you'll ever be able to crawl out. This is simply not true - the depression goes away, too, with time.

9. Initially I had good days and bad days. My digestive system became ultra sensitive. I couldn't each much of the stuff that I could before, and especially spicy foods, which I crave. Oh well. Some of the best days during recovery were "bad days" that were punctuated with the realization that things were getting better -- enjoying the beauty of the sunset, time with my kids, etc. and loving the difference. I could see progress and that was very reinforcing.

10. I did my homework and took some advice from David Arneson's site on methadone withdrawal as well as the "Thomas recipe." I think nutritional supplements were helpful, but how can you tell? What REALLY worked for me and made the bad days more bearable was swimming 1/2 a mile and meditating. Exercise would lift my depression for the rest of the day. I didn't do it every day but probably should have! Meditation helps to quiet and calm the mind.

11. For the stomach problems I took Immodium which worked well; for insomnia I'd infrequently take a very little Xanax (e.g. 0.0125 mg) but thankfully I don't like the stuff and was never compelled to make it a habit. It did help me to sleep on nights where I just "had to" get some rest. Thankfully, the sleep disturbances didn't last very long - less than 1 month.

12. During the process I didn't do meetings -- that's not for me, for other reasons -- but I "did" the group of SR, which was VERY helpful. I also discovered that it helped my own sobriety if I could reach out to others on their journey.

13. Now that I've recovered, I'm much more aware. My memory is better (but not perfect, as befits a 50 year-old), I'm loving life and others better too. I'm trying to take a good hard look at the emotional stuff I was trying so hard to run from, and I figure it may take the rest of my life to do that. That's the spiritual side I'm working on.

14. If you are struggling with addiction, learn all you can about your DOC and the standard (allopathic) treatments as well as the alternative ones. Psych yourself up. You are choosing life and I promise -- good things are just around the bend. Take it one day at a time and don't look back.

XOXOXO

Buzz