Over the past three years I have stopped using heroin, stopped drinking, and am finally not involved in a relationship for the first time in over fifteen years.
Removing these outlets of obsession has brought on one major panic attack where I felt completely out of touch with anything taking place around me for the entire day, and for the past two years I have suffered from 24/7 social anxiety that makes it difficult to even go to the grocery store, etc.
I have dutifully refrained from even asking my doctor for anything related to benzodiazepines, in spite of the fact that it would probably help. Instead, I have started taking buspirone and prozac, which don't really do that much for the anxiety.
Recently, I relapsed after more than a year clean and sober by taking some Ativan that was given to me by a friend. It took me a couple of weeks to come to terms with the fact that it was a relapse, and tell my sponsor, etc.
My sponsor, who I have been extremely grateful for over the last year partly due to her tolerance and flexibility, has recently become very involved in organized religion, which I am not (although I do feel a connection with a Higher Power).
Although I feel that I have an open respect for all beliefs, I don't know if that respect is really flowing both ways between my sponsor and I, and I am feeling less of the tolerance and flexibility from her that I need within the relationship.
Some issues have come up around my anxiety disorder, and I feel that my voice isn't being heard on the matter. Essentially, one of her "suggestions" for me is in direct conflict with my ability (or inability) to go out and be around people I don't know and not feel like I am going to completely freak out. And, sadly, although I have honestly agreed to do my best to follow this suggestion, I also have to say that I may only be able to meet it halfway. Her response has been to say basically that if I am "not willing" to take her "suggestion" that she can't sponsor me anymore.
I am feeling a strong mixture of sadness, anger, resentment and abandonment on top of the feelings that I wasn't dealing with prior to the relapse.
I know this is a lot to unload at once, but whatever feedback, etc. I can get is really appreciated! I also have to say that I feel very, very alone right now.
