I am so glad it wasn't you who died, and that you are here getting some help. Please consider taking the suggestions given here-You are worth so much more than that lifestlye. I am sure you know it,but let me remind you of it anyway.
The reason this hurts us so much is because in many ways it is senseless- unless we use it to make sense of it all... to change. What I choose to do- has a ripple effect on so many others. This is not meant to be said to make someone feel bad for making mistakes or just being human. Look at how your friend's death is affecting you. It hurts me and I am a total stranger.
It is just the truth. About 27 years ago to the day- our family lost someone. We still grieve! Each life has value and importance. You said:
"ever since her death. i just can't deal with being clean anymore. everythings so hard. i just feel like theres nothing left anymore."
Grief is like that- and yes everything can be hard sometimes, but not always and not forever. Feelings can lie to us. I know mine have lied to me.
When you said nothing is left...maybe that's good and now you can fill that empty spot with something better.... hope and strength. These are attainable to you! And the bonus is that afterwards you will gain experience and offer it to people like Jess.
Like Ann said:
Quote:
Yes, you could use and continue to use until you can't feel the pain anymore...or...you could go to detox and begin on a journey of recovery and sobriety and let her death mean something, let her be remembered, because one person, you, learned from her and found your way back.
Addiction can be beaten. And you can be among those who prove that every day.
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That about sums things up- please keep coming around.