[GettingFree]

From the age of 14, the thought of suicide has played a role in my life. At 16, I did attempt it and survived. Since then, I have not had another attempt but it has been a persistent torment in times of pain and stress.

I know I will not attempt it. I am a mother, and I will not visit that kind of devastation on my children. I think I can safely say, their existence is the reason I still exist today. If not for them, there are many times I would have attempted again.

So here's my question. At times it goes away for periods, but in times of stress, it comes back. I get these existential thoughts about life, and the futility and meaningless of living when there is so much pain and suffering in the world -- and when, despite recovery, I still can't seem to 'get it right' and find the peace and contentment I'd like.

The thoughts go through my head, I have the means to do it, I visualize it, I run it through my mind, and I cry. So although I'm in no danger, the mental torment itself is awful.

Has anyone any experience? Any words of advice?

thanks,
gf