[Sazzer]

Hi there! I am 11 months sober -- went to AA irregularly the first few months and then quit going. Was on here for a few weeks -- last time was in October of last year. I was in therapy the entire time up until June when I moved out of state, and I have also been doing tons of work on my own (journaling, reading, talking to friends in recovery)

I am thinking about going back to AA now that I'm in a new city/state, but I'm having a tough time getting going. I have the schedules all printed out and have even highlighted the meetings I would like to check out, but I can always find an excuse -- usually I convince myself that I need some "me" time and I will read, write, take a bath, just relax, which isn't all bad, but I suspect that it is just an excuse not to go, not to put myself in an uncomfortable situation.

Where I was living before, I found some meetings that I liked, but didn't really click with. I now think that I was just feeling "holier than thou" and wouldn't take down my walls to be able to really connect. I am trying not to judge myself for it, since I believe that all is well and all things happen when and how they're supposed to.

What I am really trying to figure out is why it is that I feel so reluctant to be a part of something that has helped so many people. Control issue? Probably. I still think I'm in charge a lot of the time. I have convinced myself that I can do this on my own since I have gotten this far. I probably can, but that isn't the point. It would be so much easier to have the support of others who have gone through the same things I have.

I also still have this idea that I'm "not as bad off" as a lot of other folks in AA. I wasn't a real partyer, I didn't end up in rehab or a hospital, nothing really bad ever happened. I was mostly drinking alone at home. I was just self-medicating my depression and avoiding my Self. I got my self-worth from alcohol. My "holier than thou" attitude prevents me from identifying with those whose drinking was different than mine.

On top of the other issues, now that I've been and quit, I feel like I'm behind in all the things you're supposed to do. All the chips, speaking at a meeting, etc. I guess I feel kind of dumb for quitting.

I don't know exactly what kind of response I'm after here, but any help will be appreciated!

Thanks!!