[Kellye C]

Yeah, it is scary. That's why they say this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful (the one thing they don't add is it is also patient). But, if you know the enemy then you can fight it. Your disease will lie (in the form of rationalization, justification, distorting the facts - it wasn't THAT bad or whatever it can) but you have to focus on the truth of how it really was.

I don't know where you are at in the way of steps, sponsors etc but the first person who worked with me had me write out my entire drinking history. I did this in story version - I didn't want an outline as I needed to write about it in depth. In this I wrote about the things that had happened as a result of drinking, the harms I had caused, the consequences of my behaviors, the way I felt physically after drinking, the way I felt so empty emotionally, the ways I let down myself, my kids, my family, my friends, my job etc. The methods I had used to try to stop drinking and the results of those methods. I didn't dissect them, I just wrote them down so I could truly look at and grasp how powerless I was over alcohol and how unmanageable my life had become. The other good thing about writing all this out is when you have a rough time where the disease is lying to you, you can go back and read what you wrote and see exactly how it was.

Next thing, write a list of the things you hope to accomplish in sobriety. Set some short term goals and some longer ones. Look at these as often as necessary to help you remember why you're doing this. Keep posting on here too!

Hang in there, this too shall pass!
Kellye