[Lilya]

Hello everyone,

Today I´m depressed. I´m talking really difficult kind of anxiety and depression with all the symptoms I know too well: Lump in the throat, tightness in the chest, feeling really sorry for myself, angry at life, wanting to take dope, etc. I´m talking hardly being able to function at work and then wanting to sleep all the time. Feeling I haven´t achieved anything, that I´m a loser etc.

I´m on medication - but this happens from time to time.

This is probably an episode that won´t las too long. It´s partly seperation angst because my niece and adoptive daughter of 8 years went on a vacation to be with her birthmother - which is of course great for her; she needs to bond with her, but it´s tough. Then I´m packing up the house for 6 weeks since it needs lots of reparation and I have rented a summerhouse near the sea to be able to finish my film script, among other things. My niece will come to see me, and some change will do me good. I will be sharing the house with some new friends. It will be fine. This I know, because I had angst like this before I went on a long trip to China last April.

I had to go home from work after lunch. I decided to follow through an action plan no matter what. It consists of: Doing light work, going out, engaging in physical exercise and forcing myself to talk to some one.

It took me 1 and half hour to get to my car with my swim suits and aroma therapy oils. I went to a big health spa with a swimming-pool I usually love and on the way I forced myself to go to the dry-cleaners with stuff needing to clean. At the spa I went through all the pleasurable activities and then drove home feeling slightly better.

I have no appetite, so I will force myself to eat something nice I got from the store and later I will sink myself totally into my depression to find out what is really missing from my life. This is a technique I learned from a therapist I saw. some years back. Afterwards I will make a goal-oriented list.

I also feel better sharing with you. I haven´t got energy to phone people.

Love and light.

Use adversity