[Lilya]

Hi Caveman,

I take Citalopram (Cipramil) for my depression, work out, swim, walk and work two evenings a week as a SOS suicide counselor. I have pets I really love and try to travel to exotic countries whenever I can. Still, I sometimes feel very much alone as I´m working on my relationships - a disaster area for me that needs hard work. At the moment, I choose to be abstinant and celibate as well.

Buddha said: “The man is not designed to be happy and needs therefore to constantly fill his hunger for happiness. This is the very root of existence.” (Badly translated from French) I try to fill my life with creativity - I´m a writer and a festival director - and that gives me a lot. But it´s not enough. The gap is too wide; the hunger for false Nirvana is too great.

I only know that if I start using again, I cannot write my books and get them published and I would soon be out as a festival director. The ratrace is too hard and the competition is fierce. I also have a daughter and I want to be there for her if and when she decide to leave the sect she´s involved with. There is little else. The daily life is hard and the constant routine can be a real killer. My days of “wine and roses” are over and sometimes I feel sad about it, even though I wouldn´t want to change it. I learned responsability during my recovery and compassion for other people, something I didn´t do while I was using. I guess my big task now is to try to enjoy little things in my daily life. Challenging, because before I had such a rollercoaster life.

I like your quote: “Live free or die.” It reminds me of something I read a while ago. My favorite quote is: “Sleep of reason produces monsters” (Goya: “Quand la raison dort la folie s´éveille.”)

Thank you for your post and all my best wishes. It´s good to know there are others on this journey. I hope to hear from you again.





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