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Hi teke,
I will be praying for you. I too lived with deep pain for many years and God healed most of it. He is still working on some of it. I walled my pain in and it required a lot of energy to keep that wall up. I internalize everything also. I really believe that my circumstances were arranged so that I became so tired that I couldn't hold that wall up any longer. It crumbled down and the painful memories came flowing out. I was also screaming for peace and for the first time I actually felt some peace. The peace goes away when God is digging up some deep issues, but it returns again when I shed another layer of pain.
I tell God the truth about who I am to the best of my knowledge and give it to him to fix. I always ask him to show me more and reveal the truth, which sets me free. It can be a pretty painful process. It sounds like you are carrying similar pain. It sounds like you are also getting tired and maybe that's a good thing.
Hugs,
MG
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