[preciouz]

Hi everyone. I haven't been on for a really long time. Sorry for that. It's been a rough few months personally. I just didn't want to write a sad post after sad post.. but i finallyi just have to just get this out of me.. thanks for reading before hand....

Along the way to my recovery from my dad's alcoholism, I hit a wall.. a really big wall. I will spare the details. I just want to say that because of how i lived nearly all of my life has prone me to be a very weak person i think. This hit me a few weeks back and really make me really depressed. All of my anxitey about everything and how it all comes back to alcohol. I hate it, how it has affected me when i have never danked an single ounce. I makes me sick to know How i have insecurities, and my easy ability to just not trust anyone.... I notice that i was going backwards more than forward.... i don't know. All i know is that i am lost all over again... i feel as if this whole time i never was recovering.... and it was just a dream, not a working reality..

my dad... he stated drinking. Barely lasted more than 5 months offically. today he came home really drunk. He is drunk right now, can hardly walk or speak. I hadn't seen this monster since january.... and now he's back. So quickly so easily. exactly how he use to be. he is blaming me fo him falling back into drinking. he is probably right....I knew this was going to happen because of me. He blames me for going to therapy, and he blames me for Social services having to talk to him because of the abuse I was inflicted with when i was small. He blames me for having the "finger placed on him" he blames me that he will get thrown into jail because i opened my big mouth. OH.. he can't believe that his own daughter would do this to him... it must be whatever she is "learning" because she does't want to be a lawyer and this is how she repays him. I can't believe that i have to still hear this bull****. I stop going to therapy because I couldn't take it anymore. God it was as if i sent a lighting blot into this house. The whole point of me going to therapy was to help myself, not to make myself worse. I wanted to go to therapy for me, not for him, and not for him to know... it's none of his business. He can't believe or get it that it's because of him. He is in total denial... typical.

I dont know... i don't know what to think or to say.... For me it didn't matter if he was sober or not.. it doesn't change the person that he is. He was never going to get better, i already knew it. I am not surprised by any of this. I went on with my life, with him sober or not. Good riddins with him is how i lived..I wnet on with my own thing.. trying to break my way free... and this happens.. it's ruined. I really feel any change i had in getting out is over... I cry myself to sleep knowing that this is never going to end... This has finally infected the rest of my life. I am trapped, I'm really trapped. Nothing makes me happy, school is going terrible... , home isn't home, I am just depressed. i am tired of this nightmare... no matter how hard i try to end it no matter how hard i try to get out, it blows up in my face. everything. Is this really ment for me to live like this?
What the hell did i do?? what the hell am i doing wrong???

May 12, 2006... the monster is back.