Hey Trying...
Sounds like you are having some issues.. ;o)
I can relate to a lot of what you described...
It got so bad that I was driven into recovery...
Over time.. I started understanding how the human conscious works... and how the things we do cause us extreme grief and anguish.
I began to rearrange my thoughts.. my beliefs... baby steps...
And slowly I started feeling better and began interacting with life more.
The journey to wellness.
some of us have to take it.
I love this site...
http://www.coping.org
And it helped me immensly to go to meetings and talk myself out on here and other recovery boards.
Self love and acceptance is what I had to shoot for.
Praying for those things for you.